Dating online is a fresh hell that we can’t seem to get enough of. Like MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, or that sketchy pork roll from your local bakery. It’s probably not good for you, but you keep going back anyway.
Seeing as it’s coming up to the end of the year, we’re feeling all warm and fuzzy about the possibilities the future will hold. One of those possibilities is to reform online dating into a somewhat decent place. Here’s some of the things we’d like to see completely banished from the platform by New Year. Thanks.
#1 Any Sort Of Winky Face
Winky faces are not attractive, cute or cheeky under any circumstance. In fact, they’re the creepiest thing you can do over text. Please, can we put the winky face to bed once and for all? Thanks in advance.
#2 “My Friends Made This For Me”
OK, we get it. You’re too good for online dating. Guess what? We’re not. So exit stage left and stop wasting our time.
#3 Blurry Photos
The concept of online dating is pretty simple: you try to impress someone with photos of yourself and a cute bio. Then you meet them in person. That’s all. Why is it that some people can’t seem to fit the first requirement at all? I want to know exactly what I’m getting into before I start a convo with you. Nobody wants to date a cluster of pixels.
#4 No Bio At All
What, you can’t spell? Having no bio doesn’t make you mysterious, it just makes you look boring. Write something in there – anything! – for the love of decent internet conversation. It’s not our job to figure it out.
#5 Group Photos
Dating online is supposed to be an easy, fun alternative to dating IRL. Spending a few minutes trying to decide if you’re the guy on the far right or the guy in the middle is far from easy. Just crop the photo, ffs. Make everyones life easier.
Why. Just… Why are couples on there? All due respect to people who want to explore – ahem – other sides of their relationship. (Literally, go for it.) But I’m absolutely not taking the time to delve into that hot mess of a situation. Bye forever.
#7 Extremely Boring Hobbies
Since when has “drinking tea” been an interesting thing that people do? Or “drinking beers with friends”? Or “being outdoors”? Like, I go outdoors at least two to five times a day, you don’t hear me bragging about it. Surely you can come up with something a little more specific?
#8 Shirtless Mirror Selfies
This might be just us, but seeing other people’s shirtless mirror photos makes us uncomfortable. We get it. You’ve got a good rig. But guess what? I certainly don’t. And in the interest of me not feeling terrible about myself, I’m gonna go ahead and swipe right. Talk to me when you eat Cheetos on the couch every Friday in your three-year-old PJs, cheers.
#9 Starting With A Chat With “Hey”
What do I say back to that? “Hey”?? Cue the most boring and pointless conversation of my entire life. No, sweetie. I will not be replying if you can’t come up with at least one interesting opener.
#10 Listing Your Height
I couldn’t care less how tall you are. But now that I know you do, it’s an immediate turn off.