For the past decade I have served as an online dating coach for men and women of all ages and backgrounds. And while I do currently work one on one with hundreds of women each year, my first 4 years were spent working exclusively with men.
The vast amount of time I have spent coaching men has provided me with a unique insight into the male online dater that few others walking this earth have. And now I’d like to help you benefit from all my years of experience.
If you don’t fully understanding how the men you are targeting online think, your odds of finding a quality relationship will be severely limited. So let’s get started on 10 of the most important facts I’ve learned coaching men.
1. The photos are far and away the most important determinant of your success
This is a time tested fact that never changes. It doesn’t matter if you wrote the most incredible online dating profile on the planet, if your photo gallery is not put together properly, men won’t respond. Guys are extremely visual, plain and simple. This fact cannot be ignored.
2. Quality men won’t respond to poorly written profiles
Even though the photo gallery reigns supreme, quality men seeking long term relationships still need to be impressed by what you write in your profile. Boring and uninspired profiles will be ignored, along with profiles that unintentionally send the wrong signals about you.
This is because the best guys out there have a lot of options and limited time. If they are choosing between several women, and they are physically attracted to all of them, the ones with the best written profiles will get priority.
The written portion of your profile and the visual portion must work together as a team in order to achieve the best results and generate maximum interest. If either one is lagging, the whole endeavor will suffer.
3. Most of the best guys out there don’t even know you exist
Here’s the thing about the highest quality men. Just like all you quality women out there, they live very busy and active lives, leaving very little time to perform searches of their own.
So while you may be waiting for a great guy to email you and sweep you off your feet, he often has the same exact mindset, hoping that a great women will finally message him so that he could stop online dating once and live happily ever after once and for all.
As an online dating coach I encourage all my students to never be afraid to reach out first with a cute and fun email. It may save you months, or even years of being on a dating site. Trust me on this one!
4. Almost all men wish high quality women would initiate with them more
Continuing off of the previous tip, you’d be surprised at how many men just completely throw in the towel when it comes to starting conversations with women online. Even the best ones.
This is because so many men spend hours messaging women every week when they first sign up for online dating, only to find themselves with low response rates and little return on their investment. Eventually, they just stop trying.
Sending emails is time consuming, exhausting, and frustrating for a large percentage of the male population, so don’t ever be afraid to reach out first. I can assure you, they will be happy you did when an incredible woman shows up in their inbox.
5. Negative energy will keep you in the delete pile
This fact cannot be stressed enough. Negative energy, such as creating lists of what you don’t want in a man, or stating something as simple as, “I’m not really into online dating, but thought I’d give this a try,” will be more than enough to turn a great guy away.
I stress this all the time, positive energy attracts positive attention. Repeat after me: Positive energy attracts positive attention! Negative energy will only cause a guy to assume that you are a negative person or have baggage, which aren’t exactly the best ways to make friends!
6. Most men want a serious relationship, but would love to have a fling along the way
When men sign up for my profile writing service, they are asked a multitude of questions, including, “Are you looking for a fling, a busier dating life, a relationship, or marriage?”
Of the thousands of forms that have been returned over the years, nearly every man responds to this question with something along the lines of, “I am looking for a serious relationship, but am open to a fling or 2 along the way.”
The lesson here is that even the most respectable men out there are usually willing to diverge from their end game of finding a relationship if their attraction to another woman is strong enough.
7. The contents of your profile will determine how you are approached
When a man views your profile, he is instantly going to put you in one of three categories. Not interested, fling, or relationship potential. It’s up to you to make sure you wind up in the right category.
If you want to avoid being put into the not interested or fling category, avoid too much sexuality, and focus on creating the persona of a woman who is intelligent, diverse, positive-minded, open, and fun to be around. This holds true for both the pictures you post and the words you write.
8. Quality men love accomplished, successful, and well-rounded women
As an online dating coach, I often hear the question, “Are men turned off by successful career women?” Well yes, if you are dealing with an insecure man who is mentally trapped in a prior decade.
But for the accomplished and worthwhile guys out there, this is an incredibly attractive quality. Great guys love women that achieve goals and have something to contribute to this world. The only exception to this is if you are a workaholic or place your career above finding relationships. Like most things in life, balance is key.
9. Many men have unrealistic expectations of age
This is one of the sadder truths about online dating, but many men are a bit unrealistic with their age preferences.
The good news is, you can use this information as a guideline as to whether or not a man is worth pursuing. If you see a 55 year old man on Match.Com who is looking for a woman ages 47 to 55, this reveals that he is serious about finding a relationship. On the other hand, if a 55 year old starts his age preference at 33 and older, you will probably want to steer clear.
10. Profiles that are fun, playful, and energetic receive the most messages
This fact probably doesn’t require much explanation and speaks for itself, but the more you represent yourself in a manner that avoids cliches and allows your personality to pop off the page with fun energy, the more men are going to be jumping at the chance to date you. The best online dating profiles make this a priority.