Ever found yourself in the middle of sex with your partner, thrusting the night away, only to be jolted from bliss by a vaginal fart?
Mammals are generally expected to get pleasure from sexual intercourse. Scientists observed this from their facial expressions, noises, and reactions. However, of all mammals, only humans have the capability of being embarrassed during the act. It can be the dreaded queefing, a wet spot on the blanket the size of your palm, or getting a mild lockjaw during a blowjob. Ouch!
Coitus, as Dr. Sheldon Cooper calls it, can be a very pleasurable experience. However, as many pleasures can be had in coitus, there can also be some embarrassing incidents ranging from slightly awkward ones to those that can earn you a trip to the emergency room. Take a look and find out whether you’ve encountered some of them.
The pleasantly awkward side of sex
A lot of things can happen during a sexual encounter. Whether or not it’s your first time with the person, some things can happen that you can’t help but be a little embarrassed about. Here are some of the least awkward ones:
#1 Queefing. It sounds like a fart, but instead of the sound coming from your ass, it comes from your vagina. Queefing *or quiffing* happens when air is trapped inside due to the in-and-out thrusting motion. It occurs more frequently when doing certain sexual positions, such as a rear entry or doggie-style. The good thing is you’re probably having a pretty intense session to have that much air sucked inside.
#2 Farting. During the arousal phase of sex, the couple may involuntarily voice out the pleasure they feel. With all the oohs and aahs, it’s no wonder some air can get trapped inside your tummy and be squeezed out during an intense missionary. Don’t be too embarrassed, it happens to everyone! The problem arises when the fart has a funky smell. If that happens, just laugh it off. Funny men and hilarious women are attractive.
#3 Beer burp, or any burp for that matter. What usually follows a rowdy night of beer pong? Well, some hookups, of course. However, if sex with random people is not awkward enough, then getting burped on while doing the missionary position surely is. If your partner sports a “dad bod,” and you’re not exactly Kim Kardashian, the exertion brought about by passionate lovemaking will surely bring about a burp or two. As they say, if it doesn’t come out of your ass, it’s coming out of your mouth. Eeeww.
#4 Long hair in the most unlikely places. If you’re a guy who has never sported long hair, it can be a little bit bewildering to find yourself having to fish out long blonde hair from in between your ass or entangled under your balls. Fret not! You’re not suddenly growing long hair on your balls. It’s just part and parcel of spending a passionate night with a long-haired partner.
#5 The wet spot. No part of the bed is more like the Bermuda triangle than that pool of moisture evidencing the passionate love play you’ve just had a few moments ago. No matter how much you avoid lying on it or touching it, it just sits there, refusing to dry up. Don’t worry. Just put a nice dry blanket over it or a dry towel, and you’ll forget about it in no time.
#6 Talk dirty to me. To the right person, this statement can be a great way to spice up a sexual encounter. However, to a person unaccustomed to sex talk and its finer aspects, it can be a source of anxiety, and everyone knows anxiety and sex don’t mix well. Places dry up quicker than the Sahara, and desire is quickly replaced by discomfort.
To avoid being in this situation, talk to your partner about their level of comfort in various subjects, including talking dirty, spanking, or some other erotic play. Be safe, sane, and consensual! [Read: How to talk dirty to a girl without turning her off]
There’s a reason parents cautioned us against putting things in our mouths. As you’ll find out, things can get pretty hairy in there:
#7 Hair floss. Dentists swear by flossing to keep our teeth and gums healthy and clean. Surely, they don’t mean using hair to do so. Yikes! Some people prefer to see a forest down there, instead of a shaved or waxed landscape, but there’s no reason not to trim a little, right? [Read: 16 tips and ticks to get your girl to give you head and love it]
If your partner can’t take the hint, include it in your foreplay routine. Prepare a warm bath with soapy water, some shaving cream, a new razor specifically for sensitive areas, and you’re all set. Reward your partner with a luxurious bath afterwards, with your tongue, of course. [Read: How to make him go down on you without a push]
#8 Choking. Hair strands have a way of evading your teeth and getting caught at the back of your tongue or your throat instead. Your partner is a few moments away from orgasm, and there you are choking on a strand of hair. How frustrating! See #7 for instructions on how to avoid it. [Read: 10 popular moves from porn that guys do but women hate]
#9 Cotton strands. If your partner wears cotton underwear, then you probably know what I mean. Cotton has a way of breaking down due to regular wear and tear. One minute you’re going down on your partner, measuring his length with your tongue or lapping away at her nether lips, and you’ll find strands of cotton attached to your taste buds. How uncomfortable. Shower first to avoid this. Or wear silk.
#10 Funky. Our nether regions are always trapped in at least two layers of cloth—underwear and regular clothes. It can be pretty warm and toasty in the summer, and in winter, you tend to bundle up more. Either way, it can be pretty nasty down there, making you want to cross your legs and refuse entry to any nosy visitor *pun intended*.
To ease the discomfort, take a shower before doing the deed. To up the ante, eat up on fruits like pineapples and melons a few days prior. Your partner will taste and smell the difference. [Read: 15 biggest sexual turn offs for men]
The slightly painful
Having sex is mostly a pleasurable experience, even blissful. However, there are moments when you may want to question why you even bother.
#11 Chaffing. Women have an internal lubrication system entirely dependent upon their sexual desire and pleasure. However, there are moments when that system fails mid-action, and you’re left in a dry phase. This can lead to some minor chaffing that is sure to cause some major pain. To avoid this, have some lube ready. If you’re feeling a bit adventurous, experiment with some heated or chilled lubes. You’re welcome.
#12 Limbs akimbo. For couples, making love is sort of a rehearsed dance routine. The partners know where to touch, how to glide, and what to do at certain moments of the dance. On the other hand, first time partners are still learning the steps of the dance. Limbs go akimbo, and legs get entangled. Elbows poke, and knees get banged on certain places. Good thing is, the dance gets better with repetition. [Read: 13 untold sex secrets you really should know]
The horribly, horribly wrong
And then there are moments you may want to swear off sex for good. The following are more effective than any high school sex ed lesson to make you want to try abstinence. You have been duly warned.
#13 Period sex. Let’s start off with the mildest one. Most people opt not to have sex during their period. This is due to a variety of factors such as menstrual cramps, blood flowing out, blood staining the blankets, in short, BLOOD. Yikes!
However, what if you didn’t know you’re going to get your period that day, and it makes its presence known in the middle of cunnilingus. Yuck! However, yuckiness aside, some people swear by period sex. The vagina is usually more sensitive at this time of the month, making way for the possibility of earth-shattering orgasms for her. It alleviates cramps, too. [Read: The ultimate guide to the best period sex]
#14 Lock jaw. In addition to all the hairy things that may happen to you during fellatio, this probably trumps that. Imagine you’re in the middle of giving your boyfriend the best blowjob of his life, you hear a click, and suddenly, you can’t move your mouth, much less close it. This one definitely earns you a trip to the hospital.
#15 Penis captivus. Some women exercise their PC muscles for a more powerful squeezing action when their man is inside. But surely, they don’t mean to entrap it in their deathly embrace! Essentially, penis captivus is when your partner’s vagina closes in on your penis and won’t let go. This happens when a woman’s pelvic floor muscles contracts too much and involuntarily fails to expand again. Operative word: involuntarily.
It is as painful for her to be wheeled inside the emergency room, under a blanket, with you inside her, just so they can inject her with a muscle relaxant. [Read: Kegel exercises to get a powerful squeeze down there!]
#16 Penile fracture. And this, my friend, trumps all that. Imagine your partner shrieking in bliss, it is the hardest you’ve ever felt yourself to be, even harder than your morning wood, when suddenly you hear a snap and see blood gushing out. The HORROR!
Yes, apparently, the penis can break. It may be an organ with no bone, but it does have erectile cylinders inside that fill with blood during an erection. During aggressive sex, these cylinders can break, making blood leak out to the surrounding tissue, and may even come out through the urethra. This freak sex accident will earn you a trip to the operating room. [Read: 15 things women do that are sure to turn off any guy]
A lot can happen during a sexual encounter, running the gamut from the slightly awkward to the flat out horrible, and I’m not even referring to STDs. However, sex is a blissful experience when done right and safely.[Read: 50 kinky sex ideas that you have to try at least once]
Don’t forget to have fun and enjoy the moment, no matter how awkward and embarrassing sex can get. And finally, join me in wishing we never get to encounter the last group.
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