I’m having a lesbian affair but I can’t tell my suicidal wife I don’t love her


Dear Deidre

I HAVE been having amazing sex with my nephew’s pre-school teacher but I’m worried it will push my wife over the edge.

I’m a married lesbian of 28. I met my wife at the gym. We both like body-building. She’s 26, a dental nurse and she’s gorgeous.

We’ve been married a year and get on great but she gets suicidally depressed, which lowers her libido, and we haven’t had sex for months. It’s spoiling things for me but we vowed to be there for each other, whatever life threw at us.

I’m a child-minder and I love kids. We hope for our own children one day if we can find a suitable donor. I’ve looked after my nephew from four months old and recently he started pre-school.

I met his teacher one morning when I was helping out. She’s lovely. She’s 30 and great with the kids. We seemed to click too. We got on so well and she suggested going for a drink one evening.
When we did, we really got talking. She said she was in an abusive relationship with a guy and I ended up giving her a cuddle. It was just out of sympathy to start with but once we were close I sensed the electricity between us.

She said: “This is a bit unexpected,” and we shared a long, sexy kiss.

After that, we constantly sent flirty texts. We went out for dinner, then back to her place, as her partner was away.

We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Sex with her was off the scale. I’d missed it so much.

Since then we’ve been meeting at mine every week while my wife is at work — she works some evenings. My lover has now left her partner and she wants me to do the same.

But I want to stay with my wife. She’s in a fragile state and telling her I don’t love her would devastate her.

She isn’t willing to get help for her suicidal feelings and I need to look after her but I do feel so unhappy.

DEIDRE SAYS: But do you love your wife? If you don’t, this is going to turn out even more unhappily for you both.

It’s no use staying just because you feel emotionally blackmailed. If your wife is suicidal she needs expert help. Her GP would be a good place to start.

Take some space from your lover while you focus on helping your wife to find support, then do some soul-searching to see whether this marriage is what you want.

A good relationship isn’t just about sex but about love and companionship and becoming real partners. Could your lover offer that or is this fling just about the sex you’re missing at home?

My e-leaflet Dealing With Depression will help your wife, and Love Or Lust? will help you make the right decision for yourself.


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