Even more than love, OKCupid is a battlefield. (And Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble, and whatever dating app/site will be cool next week.) Don’t believe us? Scroll through to see some of the things real women encounter while dating online—things that have them swiping left and X-ing out their browsers faster than you can say eharmony.com.
Pageboy hats: Are you Christian Bale in Newsies? Are you a Baby Gap model? Oh no…you aren’t? Then take that hat off.
Stereotypical bad tattoos: Think koi fish, skulls with flames, bad chest pieces, the live/die word thing. It makes me think they’re unoriginal and probably watch 1,000 Ways to Die all the time, talking to their bros about “bitches.”
Muscle tees: Unless you are literally working out in them they are not acceptable apparel. It’s like if a guy shows up to your date in sweatpants. Way to put NO effort into it. Plus, white Hanes tanks make me think of, like…early 2000s Avril Lavigne.
Pro-life sentiments: On OkCupid they have those lists of questions and you wouldn’t believe the number of men who select that women shouldn’t have an abortion under any circumstance. And they’re not all Southern finance dudes. Hipster, artistic dudes are pro-life, too. Creepy.
Jewelry in general: Statement necklaces on men. Especially crosses.
Bottle service photos.
“I don’t like to read.”
People who journal: They are writing about you. I have yet to meet or date a female who journals her thoughts when she is calm or happy. That journal is a fury of rage that will be passively left in your apartment, open on the counter with your two cats crawling on the page filled with your hurtful quotes from weeks ago.
Snake bites: The fact that I have to write it down kills me. Your mouth should not jingle like a pocket full of change when you speak. God forbid I had ever planned on kissing you, where would my lips go? That bottom lip is a flight that is clearly overbooked and no longer boarding.
Neck tattoos: You don’t even have to tell me you’ve been to prison because I can see it.
Photographers: No, I do not want to come over and look at 68 pictures of a tree you found. I know how to use Flickr. And don’t take that damn camera everywhere we go.
Braces: Neat, I took my sixth-grade cousin out to dinner. Why? Why past high school do you still have braces? I look like I picked up my date from an after-school club and I have to have him home by 8. Your life is half over—lose the lisp and embrace your crooked smile. Let’s also not forget braces get caught in everything. I am just not at a place in my life where I am willing to justify those scars.
Any mention of Burning Man.
Any omission of their height: It means they’re 5’5″ or something.
Someone who tries to woo you with “hi :).” And then follows up with “You’re just one of those twats who never writes back aren’t you?”
Someone who posts only one photo with sunglasses and hoodie on.
Any “make me a sandwich” jokes: Like, any at ALL.
Listing “philosophy” as an interest: You KNOW the guy’s gonna show up in a porkpie hat and/or a Dali mustache. (Two more deal breakers for you, right there.)
One of his favorite quotes is “Live each week like it’s Shark Week”: He is a former high school popular bro. Run away forever.
Mirror pics: You are not an emo teen circa 2006 nor is this Myspace. So if you have mirror pics, I am going to assume you have no friends.
Serious (i.e. not goofy) selfies: Behind every serious selfie is a narcissist waiting to be discovered.
Gym pics: Usually a mirror pic or selfie—either is a sign he’s seeking validation and/or is an attention whore.
Instagram handle: Please stop using dating apps and websites to whore out your social media and get more followers.
Thumb rings: You wanna caress my face with that thumb and my answer is No.
Pictures of you and multiple women: Why are dudes doing this?! I’m not playing the is-that-your-baby-mom-or-sister game.
Describing in great detail all the things you will not do: Dudes, chill. I’m on my couch eating Cheez-its. No one is trying to be your wife, and you not cleaning your house is gah-ross, unsolicited personal info.
Pictures of guns: Like why?
Pictures of you with kids in developing countries: A fave of white dudes. They LOVE that.
Pictures of you lying across a tranqed-out tiger: I bet that tiger is just hoping those darts wear off so he can snack on you, thumb ring first.
Asking for more pictures of me: I’ve got like six very crisp images of me looking all kinds of cute from multiple angles—what more do you want?! (Nude pictures, probs.)
Stating how many times a week you work out: Don’t care.
Telling me that you’re looking to try new things and dating out of your race is one of them. Eww.
Too many sneaker pics: Like, you could have fixed your teeth with all that money you spent on kicks.
Puka shell necklaces: But, like, you’re not from Hawaii…and you’re not a surfer…so.
Dressing like a member of Blink-182 and you’re a smooth 38 years old.