As a career woman in 2018, you should be able to kick ass from 9 to 5, then come home and get you some, right? But finding a balance between your sex life and work life can be as difficult for some women as locating a clitoris can be for some men. (Yo! If that’s your guy, send him this.) Ruling the office world can really take it out of you, and if you’re not careful, you’ll wind up too exhausted to have anything put in ya (if you catch our drift).
Thankfully, Londin Angel Winters and her partner Justin Patrick Pierce, who coauthored The Awakened Woman’s Guide to Everlasting Love, promise that you can have it all—a high-powered job and wildly hot sex.
How do they know? From personal experience, says Winters. As an Emmy-winning producer for NBC News, she found, “It’s not true that you have to choose between career and love, but it is true that you need to understand that what you’re bringing to each moment affects the moment.”
Since we here at Brides are very much interested in encouraging both lady bosses and “super-hot passion,” we called up Winters and Pierce and asked them to spill their secrets! How can you go hard at work and between the sheets without burning out?
Here are their four tips for maintaining a sex life and work life balance.
1. Identify Your Alpha and Omega Dynamics
We’re not talking sorority letters here. Pierce tells us couples are always relating in one of three modes: alpha and alpha (like business partners), omega and omega (like best friends), or alpha and omega. “But only with polarity is there that sexual attraction,” he says.
Basically, there should be an interplay of the dominant partner and the submissive partner (not necessarily in the literal BDSM sense) to create sexual chemistry. Winters and Pierce place a lot of weight on women letting their dominant (or alpha) personality take a break and allowing the man to take over that role in the bedroom. Now, we get that this initially sounds a little…ick. But, it doesn’t have to be a 100 percent swap, and it certainly doesn’t mean that women should lie back and take it without having any say in their pleasure.
According to Winters and Pierce, you can simultaneously love being in charge and love being in the charge of someone else, without giving up any feminist ground; it’s just about regulating those roles to where they belong. The attributes that make women successful in the workplace—”decisiveness, powerful leadership, strong vision, ability to direct others,” says Winters—don’t always work during sex.
What makes sex fun for Winters “is relaxing from being the one deciding everything and letting myself be surprised and swept off my feet,” she says.
2. Stop Competing for Power
“There’s a reason 50 Shades of Grey was so popular,” says Winters. “[Many] modern women love somebody who can trump their alpha. They’ve been telling everybody what to do all day, then they get home and somebody’s more in charge than they are?” That can be pretty dang hot.
If you’re worrying about your man forgetting you’re more than capable of taking care of yourself, stop. That’s probably what attracted him to you in the first place!
“Justin finds me really sexy in my alpha,” says Winters. “The modern man isn’t threatened by her power because he’s not trying to compete with it.”
Instead, you are enabling a peaceful transfer of power in a specific situation (to the degree that makes you feel comfortable).
3. Receive, Receive, Receive
While getting ahead at work may require focusing your energy and making things happen on your own, achieving a fully-body orgasm “is the opposite,” says Winters. “It’s allowing yourself to literally soften, like you don’t have a bone in your body. You’re going to have to embrace vulnerability and learn how to surrender.” Letting someone else take the lead and just opening up might be the key to better sex, especially if the bedroom is the only place where you can do so.
“She might be the breadwinner, she might be better at managing people, she might be more innately alpha in many ways,” says Pierce, but sometimes it’s great just to be able to put that on pause and allow yourself to relax.
4. Find Pleasure on Your Own Too
Too much alpha-ing physically wears you down, creating a damaging tightness and tension in the body. While your man plays a part relieving that stress, “for a woman to have the intimacy she wants, she should always have access to her own pleasure,” says Pierce. “If you can’t find pleasure on your own outside of the bedroom, you can’t expect a man to show up and locate it between the sheets.”
Winters learned (and spends a lot of her time teaching other women) how to “reclaim pleasure” by tapping into the characteristics of herself that she ignores during the day. “The qualities that make you an amazing lover would get you fired at work,” she jokes. “But you want to bring that overly-emotional expression to the bedroom.”
To connect with her own soft side after the day job, Winters spends 30 minutes “unwinding her alpha” by taking a shower or meditating before interacting with Pierce at all.
And their final bit of advice for pleasure-curating? Treat the bedroom like a sacred space. “When you can’t get your mind off the rat race, you start losing your ability to feel pleasure,” says Winters. “It’s like when you go on vacation and can’t appreciate the beautiful setting you’re sitting in because you’re checking email. “
And as Pierce points out, “Nowadays people just work in their beds lying next to their partner. That’s the fastest way to put you back in work mode, and then you can’t help but relate to your partner from that place.”
For their part, Winters and Pierce don’t allow electronics in the bedroom and have a designated room in their home to talk about work matters.
[Editor’s note: As with any relationship advice, be sure to evaluate you and your partner’s personal circumstances before accepting something as fact. Winters and Pierce have worked with mostly heterosexual couples, and said that many of their female clients have been workplace superstars who reported this (at times counterintuitive) methodology benefited them. That being said, if that’s not your situation, don’t sweat it. Though Winters and Pierce reason that all relationships can benefit from more self-awareness, remember to take just the tips (hehe) that work for you! ]