ALEX MICHAEL recaps Big Brother: One housemate gets coronavirus | #tinder | #pof

 Shout-out to Big Brother, for proving the only thing more messed up than reality is reality TV.

On Sunday, the house was ravaged by a legitimate coronavirus scare that was quickly made illegitimate due to Seven’s ‘make it fake’ ethos.

The game was fake locked down and put on ‘pause’ for the first time in fake series history, triggering The Chad to admit he had the disease, ‘like for real an’ that’.

On Sunday, the Big Brother house was ravaged by a legitimate coronavirus scare that was quickly made illegitimate due to Seven’s ‘make it fake’ ethos. Illegitimate for everyone but The Chad (far left), that is, who was convinced he had COVID

 Keep Calm And… OMG, SOMEONE HAS COVID!

‘Someone was in contact with someone who was in contact with someone who had COVID’: Alright Sonia? Funny seeing you outside of the eviction segment, what’s wrong?

Cut to Sonia Kruger, who looked very concerned to be getting any airtime outside of the nightly elimination segment.

‘During the course of filming, one of the cameramen – who stand behind a sheet and never go within 20 metres of the housemates – was in contact with someone, who was in contact with someone, who has the COVID,’ she announced, barely able to keep a straight face.

‘Or maybe it’s just a sore throat. Can’t remember. Anyway, we’re going to gee it up massive and shutdown the game for 36-hours.’

Cut to the cameramen, abandoning their responsibilities faster than a deadbeat dad on child support day.

‘Right, we’re off! They said, before packing up and heading home via Woolies, to check for bog roll.

BEFORE: Cut to the cameramen, abandoning their responsibilities faster than a deadbeat dad on child support day. AFTER: ‘Right, we’re off! They said, before packing up and heading home via Woolies, to check for bog roll

Of course the housemates immediately realised that they might not be getting any airtime and marched to the diary room, demanding to speak to their agents.  

Big Brother: ‘Housemates. Somebody has COVID!!!’

Housemates: ‘Oh my GOOOD.’ 

The Chad started sobbing and burst into tears.

Get me agent! Of course the housemates immediately realised that they might not be getting any airtime and marched to the diary room, where they found out: ‘Somebody has COVID!’

The Chad: ‘I bloody knew it. I’ve been living a lie. I knew I should have brought my own shampoo and conditioner into the house. My career is ruined!’

Housemates face-palmed in unison and turned to his love interest, Sophie, to try and decipher what Zoolander (Zoo-lamer?) was on about.

Housemates: ‘Sophie, translate please?’

Sophie: ‘Yeah, so, he doesn’t get it.’

The Chad (far left) ‘I bloody knew it. I’ve been living a lie. I knew I should have brought my own shampoo and conditioner into the house. My career is ruined!’

Housemates: ‘Care to elaborate?’

Sophie: ‘Based on the evidence at hand, my best guess is he either thinks COVID is dandruff, or head lice.

Please explain: The housemates turned to his love interest Sophie to translate:  ‘Based on the evidence at hand, my best guess is he either thinks COVID is dandruff, or head lice’

Tinderella: If The Shoe (Coughing) Fits

TBH: Big Brother told the housemates the truth during the break: ‘Look, we’re legally obliged to tell you that the ‘coronavirus’ contact is just the Director Of Photography’s brother’s Tinder date,’ he said.

 During the ad break, Big Brother took the housemates aside and levelled with them.

‘Look, we’re legally obliged to tell you that the ‘coronavirus’ contact is just the Director Of Photography’s brother’s Tinder date,’ he said.

‘Basically, we’re getting killed by MasterChef and The Voice, so we’re pushing this corona angle hard for ratings.’  

Big Brother (cont.): ‘Basically, we’re getting killed by MasterChef and The Voice, so we’re pushing this corona angle hard for ratings. They didn’t even bang!

Housemates: ‘But the DOP and Tinderella, did they bang!?’

Big Brother (laughs): ‘Guys, this date stalled before the entree. She said “I feel sick and need to go home,” to which he replied, “yeah right! Heard that one before!”

Relief quickly turned to laughter – except for The Chad, who still didn’t get it.

‘Mind the flaky scalp, Soph, I’m dyin!’ Relief quickly turned to laughter – except for The Chad, who still didn’t get it

TC Phone Home 

Phone home: Graciously Big Brother allowed the housemates a phone call home. First up was army cadet Sarah, who got a call from her very talkative boyfriend, Nathan

Graciously Big Brother allowed the housemates a phone call home. Please note that any housemates who cried during this are banned from the recap.

Army cadet slash Bunnings employee Sarah was first up, thrilled to be getting a call from her boyfriend, Nathan.

Sarah: ‘Oh my god, Nathan! How are you? 

Nathan: ‘Yer all good. In lockdown.

— Wow, Nathan is talkative! 

Sarah: ‘Same lol. How’s Coles?’

Sarah: ‘Oh my god, Nathan! How are you? Nathan: ‘Yer all good. In lockdown.’ Told you, very talkative!

Nathan: ‘Shelves are empty an’ that. Been working 8PM until 4AM.’

Sarah: ‘Omg Nath! A full workday? I’m so proud!’

The main event phone call was of course reserved for The Chad, who got a call from his brother Matt (but let’s call him The Chod because it’s funnier).

Main event: The main event phone call was of course reserved for The Chad, who got a call from his brother. After two hours, The Chad finally understood coronavirus

After two hours going back and forth between the Head & Shoulders and NSW Health websites, The Chod finally managed to explain what coronavirus was.

The Chad: ‘So that means I can’t go to LA? But me international modelling career?’

The Chod: (read: What modelling career) ‘Yeah mate, looks like you’re going to have to go on the tools full time.’

Chad’s bro: ‘Yeah mate, LA is closed. Modelling is over. Looks like you’re going to have to go on the tools full time.

Australia laughed in unison, knowing full well that the closest The Chad’s ever come to international recognition is starring in a viral video.

‘Look mum!’ said a Big Brother viewer in the 16-39 demo. ‘The “Stupid Fake Tan Tradie Thinks He’s A Model” viral video guy is losing his s**t on national TV!’ 

‘That’s it!’ replied mum (35-54), who was sick of hearing her son bang on about Big Brother. ‘You’re un-banned from Fortnite. PLEASE just go back to your room.’

LOL: Australia laughed in unison, knowing full well that the closest The Chad’s ever come to international recognition is starring in the viral video ‘Stupid Fake Tan Tradie Thinks He’s A Model’

The Game Is Back On 

Negative! Thirty minutes into the episode, we find out that the DOP was negative for COVID (and negative for a second date)

Thirty minutes into the episode, we find out that the DOP was negative for COVID (and negative for a second date).

How convenient. Right in time for the eviction challenge.

It was musical chairs, I don’t care, and The Chad won.

Right on time: How convenient. Right in time for the eviction challenge. It was musical chairs, I don’t care, and The Chad won

He nominated Xavier, Casey and for some reason his ally, Sarah.

Mostly-mute hipster Xavier got the boot, because everyone was upset that he was too cool to react to the COVID announcement.

Bye, Xavier, don’t forget your Walkman and Radiohead casettes!

Mostly-mute hipster Xavier got the boot, partly because everyone was sick of him sitting in the corner with his Walkman and Radiohead cassettes…

Spot the odd one out: …But mostly because he was the only housemate not to give a crap about the COVID revelation


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