The guy who still poses with his mum’s Ford Fiesta is the worst
There are a lot of things that aren’t great about being home right now. Your mum still walks in with a load of laundry in the middle of your tutorials (no matter how many times you tell her), you have a complete lack of social life, and the potential for a shag has become just about impossible.
What to do? You’re so bored and you can’t take any more family games night. So instead of sitting through another heated round of monopoly, you decide to re-download Tinder and do a bit of swiping.
I’m here to tell you: It’s not worth it. From the local drug dealer to the one who ignored you in high school, the cast of characters on hometown Tinder is frankly dire.
Here’s a rundown of all the boys you’ll find if you’re brave enough to use Tinder when you’ve moved home:
The one who peaked in school
This is the boy who left school three years ago but has the same group of friends and still uses pictures of himself in the school rugby uniform for his Tinder profile. Unlike you, moving home is his ideal situation. Shame you didn’t meet him when he was 16. Those were his glory days.
The one who’s probably a drug dealer
This boy has max two pictures on his profile – the first one is a mirror selfie in his bathroom and the second is too blurry to tell which one he is. He has the leaf and cigarette emoji in his bio. If you do decide to swipe right, he’s just going to ask you if you want to buy weed.
The one who’s waaaayyy too into his car
Oh my god, we get it. You have a car. It might not be an issue if it wasn’t your mum’s old Ford Fiesta. If he includes any solo pictures of the car and he’s not even in them, run for the hills.
The one who’s been ‘taking a year off’ for three years now
“Finding myself while I figure out the next big move” is his bio. Except, you saw his profile when you were home last summer and the summer before that and the summer before that. There’s taking a year off, and there’s just sponging off your parents. This guy is a big no. He’d probably try to move in with you.
The one who still uses snapchat
Is this guy 15? No, because 15-year-olds aren’t allowed on Tinder. Then why is “Add me on snap: james_112” still in his bio? Grow up and text people, you child.
The one who ignored you in school but thinks you’re cute now
This is the guy from school who sat next to you in class every day but couldn’t be bothered to learn your name. Now that a few years of uni have gone by and you’re kind of hot, he messages you: “Hey how come we’ve never hung out before? aha.” Because, Jake, you copied my homework for two years and called me Amy when my name’s ANNA.
The one who works in your local shop
This one gets a bit awkward. You see him, think he’s cute, you both swipe, have a nice conversation and start to regain faith in your dating life. The next day your mum needs milk at 10 in the morning so you head to the shops in your pyjamas and unwashed hair. There he is, working the till. I hate it here.
The one who thinks the sesh is a personality trait
This is, of course, a standard addition to Tinder anywhere. However, the hometown version is particularly brutal because his definition of ‘the sesh’ is either a house party with everyone from school or a trip to the local old man’s pub. Just embarrassing. Get a hobby.
The one who’s confusingly hot and put together
Wait, this is hometown Tinder? Who is this actually attractive guy who works from his parents’ house so he can save money and move into a sexy flat in London? He works in tech and has a cute dog. Too good to be true. Next.
The one[s] you’ve already shagged
Of course, this is the worst part of Tinder at home. Let’s be honest, the pickings have been slim to start with and you already worked through the good ones the first time you came home. Are you really willing to dive back into the boys who were so strongly average to begin with?
Maybe swiping at home isn’t really the solution. Oh well. Another night rewatching The Crown with my parents and being in bed by 10 pm.
Related articles recommended by this writer:
• QUIZ: Make a Tinder profile and we’ll guess what uni you go to
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• Every ridiculous boy you will meet on Hinge right now