When my ex broke up with me, he left me with a few parting clichés:
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“I have no interest in dating anyone right now. I need to focus on myself.”
He then told me that he had no intention of trying to date anyone until the end of the year. Maybe even next year. He wanted to spend time trying to make friends.
Cut to a few weeks later.
Since I have been single, I have downloaded and deleted a total of 3 times. The first 2 times, I had the app for about 10 minutes. I swiped left on every person and promptly deleted. This time I used it for about 2 days, acquired 4 matches, 2 of which responded once and never again.
I realized it was probably not a great use of my time and deleted.
Is it 2021?! Because I could’ve sworn you told me that you had no intention of trying to date until then?!
Anyway, as I was vigorously swiping left a few days ago pre-deletion, my ex popped up.
My first reaction was to send a snarky text message to him. But I didn’t even open my Messages app. What good would it do to message him? He would either: not respond or give some bullshit excuse that he was on there to “make friends.” <Insert eyeroll>
Could he be on there just to make friends? I mean it’s certainly possible. But based on his profile and the level of effort he put into it, I’m going to say that this felt like a project he’d invested a decent chunk of time on.
The text within the profile was basic. The photos — that’s what got me thinking. The pictures probably took him a solid hour or more to assemble. He did a full-on, ring light photo shoot in his 4 favorite outfits. Each outfit with a different pose using his bare, white walls as the backdrop. He even wore sunglasses in one of them!
I know what you’re thinking…
Why is this bothering you? You’re on there, too!
I’m not upset that he’s out there trying to date. What is hurtful to me is the insistence that he wanted to work on himself. He was the one who said that dating wasn’t part of that equation for a while. It hurts because this feels like something he’d been thinking about for a while.
It feels like another betrayal from someone who was supposed to be my friend. Someone that I thought was a loyal partner for almost two years. Someone who offered no explanation to me when he ended our relationship. Not even a “Thanks for the memories!” text. Then I find him on Bumble fairly immediately after, with a profile that he clearly invested time on.
I couldn’t help but think: How long has he been on here?
Could this have been going on behind my back? I don’t want to think that it was, but damn that was quick! The way he broke up with me was very cold and he wasn’t honest about his intentions. Intentions that he offered up by the way-I didn’t ask him about his timeline for dating.
Everyone has a right to be happy and find love. I don’t want to stand in the way of that pursuit for anyone. I also acknowledge that I think our break up was for the best. But folks — let’s work on honesty. We owe the people that we love (or allegedly love) honesty.
When you break up with a long-term partner, tell them the truth. Don’t be a jerk about it, of course, but don’t say things for the sake of saying them. I would hope you would have the courage to convey your true feelings about your change of heart. When you don’t tell someone the truth, they are left to put the pieces together themselves, for better or worse.
I hoped that I could be friends with my ex down the line. And maybe there is still hope for that scenario one day. I just wish he would have told me that he wanted to go out and meet other women sooner versus later.
Because that’s more of a “it’s YOU, not ME” situation.