I’ve never participated in online dating all that much. Honestly, now may not be a bad time to start considering no one’s going anywhere for a while.
When I downloaded Tinder four years ago however, I remember noticing a trend. I noticed it on Bumble last summer, too. It was the most consistent thing I’d see when scrolling through women’s profiles in L.A.
The thing about it was, it was something I already knew. Inherently knew, even. But seeing it was another matter.
Seeing all these women broadcast the same signal made me wonder why it was so important. Why it mattered to them in bold type if a guy could offer this or not.
What she wants
For me, part of graduating from the School of Hard Knocks included a course in Women 101. It’s not a degree, but it should be. Many men would be better off if they could be educated by women like I have.
I’ve spent many years listening to women, taking some time for honest conversation with them. The things I’ve learned from my exes alone could fill a book — and probably will — one day.
This is why this particular trend stumped me. It seemed a “thing” with women while guys seemed to care less if the shoe was on their foot. Women seemed to be campaigning for it like a upcoming election. Men, well, we’re still stuck on looks as our primary source of attraction.
What women were looking for was laughter. Is still laughter and lots of it. I don’t think I ever talked to a woman during the past four years who didn’t say, “I just want a guy who makes me laugh.”
Let’s delve deeper into why they’re so vocal about this desire. What it says about their belief system, their romantic values. Why are women always looking for funny men?
Why she wants it
Women are fascinating, emotive, creative beings. They are born nurterers. They have the ability to instantly connect in ways that men can often struggle with.
They are also vulnerable, warriors, forgivers to a fault. Most women, once involved with a man, will stay with him and fight for him if there’s even a small hope of keeping their relationship alive.
Enter laugher. The drug of choice. This is the aphrodisiac that 9 out of 10 women prefer in a closed group study. They want to take a dose with the men they date and the husbands they marry. They want it in good times and bad, for better or worse, and especially for worse because life is long and even the good relationships turn sour once in a while.
The women I interviewed told me that when a woman is laughing, she feels good in her body. She gets out of her head and back into a grounded space. Here, she can draw closer to the source (aka. you, male reader) and the closer she gets, the more open she becomes. She can activate her superpower, that feminine ability to connect. She’s not as worried about you judging her because funny (read confident, not cocky) men are often sensitive to others and less likely to judge.
Laughter usually equates to self-confidence in men, too. And intillegence for that matter. A confident, intelligent man is one worth sticking around for. A funny guy is one who opens up a women, who engages her, who causes her to start filling in her relationship bingo card. He’s the guy who gives her the mental space she needs. The kind that allows her to answer the questions she knows she needs to answer.
Will you stay close to me? Will you fight to make this work? Will you keep desiring me? Will you be here when times are tough?
Will you try to understand me? Will you help me provide for children? Will you pursue me as I grow older? Will you allow for me to be myself?
These might seem specific, but in reality, they are the simple ponderings of the female heart. This is what the women in my life told me. Once the spark is there, women often begin dissecting things pretty quickly.
They want to be with someone for the long haul. They want to know you’ll stick around and not run off when things get tough. It sounds crazy, but it starts with laughter. If you can make her laugh, she can potentially rely on you to help her navigate her life.
Do you have it?
What’s worth remembering is this: men, most women are looking for a partner. It’s just that simple. Are you someone she can start to bond with?
Ask a guy what he wants in a mate and it may take him a minute to come up with some things. Women can often shoot it from the hip. They are ready to connect with you and will prove it through their list of non-negotiables.
The things she wants are kindness, character and a desire for him to lead. She’ll talk about communication and thoughtfulness. She’ll say “Intelligent men are sexy.” and “I’m a sucker for a well-cut suit.”
But somewhere in there, before she goes further, I garantee you’ll hear it. Before she describes his physicality, it’s always “I want a guy that makes me laugh.”
Laughter is always about more than being funny. To women, it shows you’re likely aware enough to take care of her when she needs it most. It’s about empathy, it’s about inclusion. It’s a way to break through to her and say, “I’m safe. Would you like to stand beside me?”
Misogyny breaks women when they don’t deserve to be broken. It’s a criminal system that needs fixing. Laughter can be a gift to uplift them in a patriarchial world.
It’s a way for them to bond with you at their own pace. To develop a language together. To understand how you’ll treat them and their future children somewhere down the line.
In relationships, your sense of humor is a reflection of how sensitive you are toward her in the world of men. Will you go beyond a joke and protect her?
Hopefully, even in comedy, your actions will outweigh your words.
Previously published on medium
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