The days of the rom-com fairy tale illusions are over. In this day and age, the possibilities of meeting the love of your life via a chance encounter on the train or in a grocery store are slim to none, because love at first sight can’t exist if our eyes are glued to our phones. Online dating is the new normal, and we will accept that whether we like it or not. Furthermore, modern generations are discovering that sexuality exists on a spectrum as opposed to a fixed binary. Therefore, many people are open to sex and relationships with people of all genders.
Whether you’re a man, a woman or a non-binary individual, first impressions are everything. What you put on your dating profile can determine if you will find love at first swipe or if you will be sent to the left, in the immortal words of Beyoncé. On Bumble, men typically match with women, but only the woman can start the conversation with the man once they are matched. Men can also match with men and either party can initiate conversation. Below are some of the most interesting dating profiles we found:
“Planning ahead: need to crash someone’s Thanksgiving.” Genius. Pure genius.
“Just out here looking for my husband.” Well damn girl, where’d he go?
“If you’re the type of guy to wear a romphim then we’re probably not a match.” Do people still wear romphims, and to the point where someone is concerned if someone may or may not wear one?
“If you can quote FRIENDS then we’ll get along.” If your entire sense of humor and personality is derived from Friends, we probably won’t get along. You sound like a Chandler.
“It’s a dealbreaker if you don’t like Beyoncé.” Honestly, this should be the standard for everyone going forward. If someone doesn’t like Beyoncé, then that tells you everything you need to know about them. If pure perfection isn’t good enough for someone, then what do you think they’re going to demand of you?
Bumble also offers an additional service called BumbleBFF, which is used mostly for platonic friend matching. However, finding a good friend can be just as much of a challenge as finding the right significant other.
Recruiting new friends to help you pull a prank? I’m not sure if I should be terrified or intrigued. Either way, I want in!
All I’ve got to say is…good luck making friends in Dallas!
Of course, a dating profile round-up would not be complete without a collection of profiles from the OG in the swiping game…Tinder. Below are some cuties and some oddballs you may come across in Dallas.
At least she gave an honest description, as opposed to just listing her social media handles and thinking it will suffice.
“No girar a la derecha.” Don’t turn right? But isn’t that the goal of Tinder?
Is this supposed to be reverse psychology? Or are some men just that fucking creepy that they message women immediately asking them to sit on their face?
So you’re the real-life version of Good Luck Chuck? Me too, man. Let’s be friends.
“[M]e in the [S]napchat man filter is hotter than 90% of you guys.” At this point, I believe it.
No profile description, no social handles. Just her Venmo username, so you can send her money. You’ve got to admire this one. Homegirl got her priorities straight!
“Looking for someone to help me not feel so dead inside.” Well, I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong place.
“I’m 5’11 and masc if it matters.” Clearly, it matters more to you than it does to anyone else.
Thank you so much for creating a descriptive profile! The sad thing is, I feel like I know everything there is to know about you.
“Give me a reason to NOT use this app.” If y’all haven’t found any yet, you clearly aren’t paying too much attention to the list.
“I am kind of hoping that your standards are lower than mine.” At this point, we all are.
“Are you the Patrick, to my David?”
No, but I can be the corrector of your grammar and punctuation.
“Absolutely, no Android users allowed”
Absolutely no improper punctuation allowed.
“I’m looking to connect with like-minded folks.” Well, how the fuck am I supposed to know if we’re like-minded if your profile gives me nothing else to go off of?
Well, now I’ve got to hear this story.