Recently, a female friend called me up to ask me for some guy advice. She said she met a guy online and they’d gone on a really great date. She really wanted to see him again but he was being a little wishy-washy and inconsistent with his texting. She asked me if she should be the one to take the initiative and ask him to go on another date. She kept over-analyzing his behaviour and was constantly trying to search for the answer, “Is he into me? What should I do?”
What happened to my friend, like what happens to a lot of people, you go on so many dates with people you’re “meh” about, that when you finally do find someone you are actually into you grab on hard, and you grab on fast.
My advice was a few things.
First off, you’ve only just go on one date and can’t possibly no how you actually feel about this person. So chalk it up to a really good first date. But that’s it.
Secondly, I told her she should go on a date with another guy, even two or three other guys. Go on a date with the whole damn city if you can! Seriously! It’s just one date! You don’t owe this person anything. You need to keep all your options open!
You ask any dating expert, they will say that you should never put all your romantic eggs in one person’s basket and you should continue talking to other people for as long as possible. It’s like interviewing for jobs, you go to multiple interviews because you know that the probability of finding a job that you love, and an employer that values what you have to offer, is going to increase with every new interview you attend.
Thirdly, and most importantly, you need to flip the switch and understand that because you don’t know how you feel about him yet, he needs to show you that he likes you and is worthy of your time and attention. Rather than putting yourself in this submissive, at his beck-and-call position, you need to regain power in yourself which immediately stems from your self-worth and what you know you deserve in return from a romantic suitor.
The point is: our success in dating immediately stems from our own self-worth and/or our ability to uphold and enforce our self-worth with romantic prospects.
People who have low self-worth are more likely to predispose themselves to toxic relationships, abusive relationships, and relationships with the wrong people because they’re willing to put up with shitty behaviour because of their not-so-positive self-image. Then there are smart people who have a high self-worth, but have a hard time enforcing that self-worth and trusting it, which still makes them “try” with people they know deep down they should be running away from.
When we sabotage and compromise our own self-respect to grasp at love, the other person, without even intending to, ends up taking advantage of us and setting those boundaries for us. This creates an unwanted power dynamic that forever makes us feel inferior or less-than in whatever relationship may transpire.
Who knows, maybe that person will simply keep you around because you’re convenient. Think about the amount of people you “tried it out” with because you knew they were into you and there wasn’t anything better around in that moment?
You don’t want to be that person. That person gets shit on.
It’s about being a little bit ruthless and pragmatic, which can be extremely difficult for some people. Particularly for those who are highly emotional and have a tendency to gravitate toward emotional, irrational behaviour, or for those who aren’t satisfied with their life and think a romantic partner will make them feel more whole. But by doing so, you remove all the bullshit that surrounds dating entirely. You don’t waste time with anyone who doesn’t jump to make you a priority.
You know we have certain things about ourselves that we love, and think make us special, and often think, “If only this person knew this about me! They would totally want to be with me!” The thing is: the right person will have a clear, unobstructed view to that part of you that you think is special and unique. You won’t have to explain yourself. You won’t have to try so hard to show them who you are. They will see you in all your glory.
If they don’t. Then okay. Goodbye. You don’t respond like a hurt asshole, and say, “OH! I’m going to show you what you’re missing!” and then take off into some juvenile revenge plot to make them jealous or try and make them reconsider or regret their lack of interest. No. You walk away with quiet confidence, knowing that they just won’t get to see how amazing you really are…they don’t deserve to. Truth is they’re just not supposed to see how amazing you are because they’re not for you.
When you meet the right person, it will be this situation: “I think your fucking awesome!” “No! I think you’re the coolest person I’ve ever met! Like seriously, the coolest person!” “You saying that just made you even more awesome than you already are! We must hang out immediately!” “Ummmm, can we out like NOW?? Cause immediately is not soon enough!”
I’m not joking. That is the benchmark.
You want to be undeniable to someone. And you want someone to be undeniable to you. END OF STORY. So if someone doesn’t make you feel like you’re undeniable, then you have to have the strength and courage to be the one to walk away, having full faith in the fact that someone else won’t hesitate to let you know just how undeniable you really are.
Dating is this in its most basic sense: talk to as many people and meet as many people as possible and don’t stop until you find someone who is just as crazy about you as you’re crazy about them. You will know exactly what this is when you find it because you feel it. You won’t find yourself grabbing, searching and clawing for it. It will be simple, organic and make you feel at peace. Don’t make excuses and be ruthless about this. Understand that when you deviate off this path, you get into trouble.
Dating becomes very simple and straightforward when we really like who are we, know our worth, enforce it and aren’t searching for romantic love to complete us. Only then can we open ourselves up to the type of people and type of love that will finally treat us the way we deserve.