#dating | Dating Profile Cliche : “I Like Long Walks on the Beach”

Maybe you’ll find someone to date if you stop walking around on the beach. I don’t like long walks on the beach, but I do love short walks to the fridge. Are we compatible?

From reading online dating profiles it seems the most romantic thing one can do is walk around on the beach. Online daters love talking about ‘long walks on the beach’Maybe that’s why people are single, too busy walking around on the beach. If I go to the beach right now are there thousands of people simultaneously yelling “I love it!”? The love of your life could be walking around on the beach near you, but you are too busy dodging seaweed and running from jellyfish to see them.

What is so great about the beach? It’s rather annoying most of the time.

“Hey Justin do you want to go to a place where constantly pick sand between your toes, put on a tub of sunscreen every 2 hours, and run from sharks? Also, your eyes will really sting from all the salt water too…wanna come to this magical place where water meets dirt?”


The beach = water meets dirt. So what. It’s not that I don’t have reverence for the ocean, I do, but people seem to exaggerate experiences just to make themselves feel better. Who wants a long walk on the beach? In the summertime it’s 100 degrees outside. Great. Now we have a ‘long walk’ to the hospital for my 3rd degree burns because you (my online date) forgot to bring sunscreen; too busy thinking about what magazines you wanted to read instead of making sure my chalky ass was UV protected. I knew you would be selfish (should have mentioned that on your dating profile). Oh, but you say our long walk is in the winter time and not the summer? Fantastic. Now I’m frost bitten and have to chop off one of my legs. It’s hard to online date when I’m hopping around all day like a pogo stick…you’ll have to come to me more.

How long is this walk anyhow? Are we picking up a few seashells or doing a 10k? Put your ear to the seashell. Hear that sound? That’s the sound of me running away. I need to be home by 11. I can’t be walking for hours just because you need to fulfill ‘long walk’ criteria. I like short walks to the refrigerator. How about that… are we still compatible? You go walk around on the beach all day and I’ll stay at home eating a sandwich and watching Netflix. You can text me when you are done walking around like a crazy person.

Guys stop walking around on the beach all day like a penguin. Go to a bar and lie to a woman like a real man would.


What if Jesus online dated


Lesson: You don’t like long walks on the beach. Nobody does. That’s why we have cars. Why are you walking around on the beach where a car can get you where you need to go. The lesson? Say what you like. What you like is getting a woman over to your house so you have a short walk to the restroom after you have sex. Say that. That’s what you like.

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