Women consciously and subconsciously test men, especially in the early stages of dating. Are you savvy enough to know the signs she is testing you? If not, read on.
First, here’s an explanation: Women “test” men while dating because they have much more to lose once the relationship becomes serious. Remember, women typically look for long-term relationships, so they want to be sure you’re a good, stable catch. To make sure of this, they’ll throw subtle tests at you to see if you’re worth committing to.
Sounds like an old-fashioned way to look at today’s women? You might think so, but it has an evolutionary basis — and both men and women are still driven by these influences. Think about it from her point of view, both biologically and socially: If she moves forward in a relationship with you, she’s the one who carries the child. So in that case, she needs a man who won’t run away, who can help create a safe and healthy environment for his offspring to grow.
That means, if she likes you, she’s going to test you — even if she doesn’t know she’s doing it. Here are 10 signs she is testing you, so you can be ready.
Signs She Is Testing You, Tip #1. She Asks You to Split the Bill
If you’re familiar with my website even a little bit, you’ve probably heard me say this: Don’t let her pay or split the bill before you’re in a committed relationship. Ever. Even if she insists. Why? Because if you don’t, you’ll never see her naked. I promise.
The “let’s split the bill” test allows her to see if you can protect her or not. Think in terms of evolution again. A good husband and father would protect her and the family. When she offers to split the bill, she wants to see whether or not you’ll step up to pay (which is a subconscious sign you can protect her).
Even though she offered, you must always decline. This is a critical rule during the courting phase when you’re competing with other men who likely will pay. After becoming monogamous with her, you can re-establish boundaries.
That said, don’t plan first or second dates that cost you a ton of money, or you’ve already shot yourself in the foot. For this to work well, you also should follow my blueprint for first, second, and third dates, which is:
- First date: Spend a maximum of $10. Make it one drink, a cup a coffee, an ice cream cone … you get the idea. Work on establishing trust and rapport with her.
- Second date: Don’t spend any money. Choose to do something active, preferably outdoors. Focus on escalating attraction and sexual tension.
- Third date: Take her out for a nice dinner. If trust and sexual tension are already built, then there’s a good chance of becoming intimate.
Remember: Pay the bill no matter what. Don’t lose out to other guys over something as petty as $10!
Signs She is Testing You, 2. She Gets Sick
I’m not saying women fake getting sick. But, the first time either one of you gets sick in a new relationship can tell a lot about whether the relationship will continue.
A man who brings her chicken noodle soup and makes her feel safe—especially when she’s sick and vulnerable—will likely win her heart. However, the guy that could care less, or who keeps his distance to avoid getting sick himself, sends the message that he only cares about himself and that he won’t be capable of protecting her in the future.
Don’t be the second guy. That behavior ends relationships. Remember, this is one of the signs she is testing you — so be a man and take care of your girl. She should reciprocate when you get sick as well. If she doesn’t, might be time to find yourself a better babe.
3. She’s OK with You Dating Another Woman
Even if the two of you are friends with benefits, no woman wants to hear about other babes you’re dating. And if she genuinely likes you, she’s really not “okay” with you dating other people. In fact, that definitely puts you in the category of guys who aren’t serious and not commitment-worthy. So don’t make it a topic of conversation — otherwise you’ll sound all kinds of alarm bells for her.
Obviously, it’s not always that easy to avoid the issue. She may bring it up herself. If she does (and you’re not looking for anything serious with her) then manage her expectations by explaining that you enjoy spending time with her, but that you aren’t looking for anything serious. Again, there’s no reason to actually say that you’re dating other women.
If she does ask you directly, then it’s fine at that point to say you’re dating and that you’re cool if she does too. Just avoid telling her every detail of the other women you’re seeing, if you can. She doesn’t really want to know, even if she acts like she does. She’s just digging for info so she can assess the relationship she has with you.
4. She Changes or Cancels Plans on You
This test shows her how hard will you work to keep those plans. If you’re persistent, then she’ll perceive you as a guy who wouldn’t give up if she needed help down the line. This level of confidence will subconsciously make her feel safe with you.
So, don’t give up so easily if she changes or cancels your plans. Always try three times to get her to agree to a date. Don’t get me wrong: If she’s mean, seems irritated, or tells you she’s taken, then don’t bother. But if she politely declines, then wait a few days and try again. In the meantime, you can also learn ways to overcome her objections.
5. She Says Her Best Friend or Parents are in Town
With this test, she wants to see how interested you are in meeting them — and if you are, how proactive you’ll be about it. Showing interest in meeting the people who are most important to her signals that you want to be integrated into her life. She’ll feel that you’re serious about her and worth considering for a long-term relationship.
If this is what you want too, and you’ve known her for a little while, why not try inviting them all out to brunch? This sidesteps her objection while also giving her the message that you’re confident and not going anywhere. Considering this is one of the signs she is testing you, it’s worth the investment.
6. She Mentions Always Wanting to Do Something
Sometimes a woman will say something like, “Oh I’ve always wanted to check out that restaurant,” or “I’ve never done that but I’ve always wanted to try.” The test is this: Will you remember and take her there? It’s actually a hint.
During the early phase of courtship, statements like this are really valuable. Why? Because they tip you off to the types of dates she’s likely to say yes to later on. On each date, you should think ahead and offer an idea for the next one. If she says she’s always wanted to do something, then definitely pick up on that cue and suggest that you guys do it together next time.
Just be sure to be specific with your ask! No vague statements like “Yeah, we should go there someday” or “That sounds like a great idea.” Take her idea and turn it into a TDL (time, date, location) for your next outing. You could say something like, “I know, I’ve always wanted to check out that place too! A friend told me they have amazing tapas. How about we go there next Saturday? I could come get you around 6pm if you’re free?”
7. She Says She’ll Meet You There
That’s great, right? Wrong. Don’t fall into the trap of having a woman meet you somewhere for a date unless she insists. Often, this is a test to see if you’ll offer to pick her up.
Always pick her up and drop her off if you can (and if it makes sense). Or, even if you’re both getting into Ubers after your date is over, make sure she gets into hers first before you even call yours. Never leave her on her own if her car hasn’t arrived yet. This demonstrates that you can keep her safe.
Signs She is Testing You, 8. She Happens to Be Going to the Same Event as You
What a coincidence! Or not. Well, let me put it this way: Whether she orchestrated it or not, she wants to see how enthusiastic you are about meeting up with her. Otherwise, she wouldn’t bother telling you.
So if you’re interested in her and want things to go further, be sure to pick up on this by making a plan to get together before or after the event. It gives you another chance to show your leadership by creating something fun for you both to enjoy, and subtly confirms your interest.
9. She Takes Her Makeup Off When She Comes Over
When this happens, you know she’s testing you. Usually, as women, we like to look our best when we’re around a guy we really like. For a while, she won’t want you to see her looking anything less than a 10. But eventually she wants to know what you’re attracted to the “real” her, and that your connection isn’t just superficial. So this is a test to see if you still like her underneath her makeup. Don’t react to it. Just be cool.
10. She Watches How You Deal with Other People
Standing up for a woman goes a long way in helping her feel good about you. Here’s a quick story that can help illustrate this one. When I was in college, I was gifted some stock from the ‘80s that had been set up for my college fund by my great-grandfather. There were some annoying issues preventing me from gaining access to the stock in order to cash it out and use it for college.
My mom didn’t know what to do. She’d tried everything to get the bank to cash it for me, but there was some weird “red tape” that prevented them from doing so. Then, she told my dad about the situation. (Side note: My parents almost never communicate, so this was big.)
Both my mother and I were blown away when my dad went into the bank, demanded to speak with someone, and wouldn’t stop until they’d cashed the check. He totally manned up and accomplished an important goal for me.
While this may be an example of my parents, it also highlights a very important concept in dating. A woman wants a man who will protect her and won’t back down when someone is trying to take advantage of her. My mom doesn’t get along with my dad, but even she was super impressed with his ability to stand up to the bankers and persist through their BS. Do this in your relationships, and she’ll feel content knowing that you can keep her safe.
Signs She Is Testing You: Wrap-Up
You might be thinking it’s unfair that women create tests for men in order to deem them “worthy” of dating. I get that. But remember, these tests are often subconscious. They’re based on evolutionary instincts that we don’t even realize we have anymore. If you ask a woman directly about any of these tests, she might deny them — but I guarantee if you act opposite to what I’m suggesting, you’ll pay the price.
Instead, learn to recognize these situations for what they are — inevitable signs she is testing you — and respond accordingly. And by the way, this doesn’t mean you have to always try to “pass” the test, either. You may not be interested in her enough to do so. But as they say, knowledge is power. Someday, you’ll be faced with the love of your life … and when she throws out one of these tests, you’ll be more than ready to leap over that hurdle.
Looking for more information about how women think when it comes to relationships? Book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype Session with me … and bring your questions! I’d be happy to answer them as well as give you expert feedback on your personal dating strategy. During our time together we’ll also determine if my 3 month Signature Program is right for you.