How do you know when you’re the rebound guy? Even worse, is it possible you’re already in a rebound relationship?
First, let’s define “rebound.” It’s basically when someone is fresh out of a relationship and jumps quickly into either another relationship or a hookup situation to try and fill a void. We’ve all been there — and research shows that it does help people get over breakups. But as much as it helps the person who’s on the rebound, it sucks to be the one they’re rebounding with — aka, the rebound guy.
Perhaps you’re in a rebound relationship right now and don’t even know it. It’s time to find out! Read on for some telltale signs that you could be her rebound guy.
Warning: Before You Categorize Yourself as a Rebound Guy
Before I get into the list of signs, I should point out one thing. The same signs that you’re a “rebound guy” could also mean that you’re with a sociopathic or narcissistic woman. It’s a big statement to make, but these types of women do exist. If she’s a sociopath or narcissist, the way she treats you won’t be because of her past relationship, but because she has a personality disorder.
For example, a woman who’s a sociopath won’t have any regrets or remorse about using a man as a tool. That’s because sociopaths have no sense of guilt, and don’t place any value on what’s right or wrong. She may cheat on you, exhibit sudden outbursts of anger, or try to manipulate you into doing her bidding. At the same time, you might find her charming and seductive, since sociopaths can “fake” having emotions pretty well.
A narcissist will show similar signs as a sociopath, but the difference is that she’ll be more concerned with her image and being recognized by others. She’ll also steer conversations toward herself, to the point where you might even feel lonely around her. Finally, a narcissistic woman will most likely try to “gaslight” you — meaning, she’ll consistently deny or twist the truth in order to make you look like you’re the crazy one. When it’s done well, this can do a huge number on you.
Both narcissists and sociopaths can leave you confused, and feeling like there’s something going on with her that you can’t quite identify. If you feel this way, you might want to take a look at the signs of both disorders before assuming you’re her rebound guy.
Still don’t feel like those characteristics fit? Then let’s take a look at how you can tell if you’re in a rebound relationship.
10 Signs You’re the Rebound Guy to Her
Here are some signs that you might just be a “placeholder” in her life:
1. You Met Her Past Midnight
Is your approach to meeting women still PUA-style? Do you wait until midnight to muster up the drunk courage to approach or get to know women? Chances are, if you’re meeting women after midnight, they’re likely looking for the same thing you are — a hookup — which could help them get over a long-term relationship.
Even if you do want to become intimate with someone pretty quickly, it’s best to just get her number and follow my 3-date blueprint: Ask her out for coffee or a drink, and spend no more than $10. On the second date, do a physical outing such as hiking that’s free. Then on the third date, take her to dinner. If you can build the right amount of trust and sexual tension between the first two dates, chances are higher she will be intimate with you on the third date. That’s not too long to wait … and it’ll give you a chance to figure out what her motivations are.
2. You Found Her on a Hookup App
Ashley Madison, Down Dating, Whipler, Pure, and Adult FriendFinder aren’t apps you should be downloading if you’re looking for something real. If you met her on an app like this, keep your expectations realistic and enjoy the relationship for what it is.
3. You Don’t Know Who You’re Looking For
Another sign you could be the rebound guy is if you ended up with her almost randomly. In other words, did you have a clear strategy about the type of woman you wanted before you started dating her? Or did you choose her just because she was available?
If it’s the latter, then most likely you didn’t do your homework, which means there could be tons of issues going on with her — including an ex she’s still pining for — that you didn’t realize. So next time, be more intentional about who you choose to date.
One of the things I build with all of my clients in my Signature program is “an ideal girlfriend profile.” From a series of questions, I can visualize exactly who my clients are seeking. For instance, I’ll ask: Is she a student? Where does she work? Where does she live? How old is she? Is it important that she’s in shape? Doesn’t smoke? Has a sense of humor?
To attract a quality girlfriend, you need to focus. And you can’t just hope you’ll meet her, either. You must strategically identify the places she’d be most likely to hang out — and then go find her.
4. You Never Expressed Your Wants and Needs to Her
If you never told her you want a relationship, then she might assume you don’t want one, and then use that to justify keeping you as a rebound guy.
Have you been on three dates with this woman? And on the third date, did you express what YOU’RE looking for in your next partner? Did you express to her that you’re looking for a “relationship” or something more than just a fling? If you didn’t say this, then how is she supposed to read your mind?
Get to the bottom of things by telling her what you want — whether it’s to be exclusive now, or in the future — and see how she reacts. If you don’t get the feeling that both of you are aligned, then it might be best to move on.
5. You Didn’t Ask the Right Questions
Not only should you express your own needs and wants at the beginning of a relationship, but you need to find out hers, as well. Did you do this? If you didn’t ask the right questions when you guys got together, then you could be with someone who’s just using you as a stepping stone to get over her ex.
Here are a few questions you should have asked on the third date, to help reveal her personality and see whether or not you could work as a couple.
- Do you believe in love? Do you believe in marriage? She wouldn’t have wanted to answer this question, or would’ve been very cagey about it, if you were a rebound guy. While this question might take a little guts, you’ll find out where she’s coming from pretty quickly.
- What are the top 3 things you spend most of your time on? Keep in mind this isn’t a question about her favorite things to do, but what she actually does. This is a backdoor way to find out what she really values most. Had you asked this, you may have discovered that you have little in common and stopped dating her, instead of staying to the point of asking, “Am I a rebound to her?”
- What 3 things could you not live without? The answers to this question speak volumes about whether the two of you are compatible. Like the previous one, this could have given you more reason to end things before she had the chance to make you a rebound guy.
6. She Hasn’t Asked You to Meet Her Friends
When someone is serious about you in a relationship, they want to integrate you into their life. But if they don’t see you as being around long-term, they won’t bother. So let’s say you’ve been on 6 or 7 dates with this woman.
By then, it makes sense for her to ask you to meet her friends. Not only is it a chance to spend more time with you, but if she cares about you, she’d probably also want to get her friends’ opinion of you as well. However, if you’re a rebound guy, she may not want you to develop relationships with her inner circle.
7. Her Communication is Erratic
If she doesn’t communicate regularly, or doesn’t seem that excited to talk to you, then you may not be that important to her. Maybe when you call, it takes her days to get back to you. Or, she’ll promise to call at a certain time and then “forget.”
You might get the feeling that the relationship is a one-way street, and that she’s only willing to make an effort when it’s convenient to her. That might be because she really doesn’t want to have a real relationship with you. Instead, she’d rather connect with you only when she’s feeling sad about her ex.
8. She Leaves for a Trip Without Saying Goodbye
If you’ve been dating for four months and she decides to do a three-week European vacation and doesn’t say goodbye, I hate to say it, but you’re probably the rebound guy.
Think about it: Before you leave on a trip, you usually run through all the important people in your head you need to notify. You text a few people, promise to send pictures, and maybe even send your itinerary to a close family member. So if you think you’re in a relationship with a woman but didn’t make her vacation goodbye list, then you might be a rebound.
9. She Doesn’t Care When You’re Sick
Generally, women tend to be nurturing towards people they care about. So if she knows you’re sick and doesn’t take the time to text, call, or otherwise check on you, that’s strange. If you don’t activate the loving side of her, it might be because she doesn’t think of you as “boyfriend material“. So, if you only feel cared for sometimes and not others, she could be using you for her own needs … including soothing hurt feelings about her ex.
10. She Doesn’t Remember Your Interests
Does she keep asking you the same questions about your likes and dislikes that you already answered? Does she consistently order a bottle of white wine when you told her you like red? Maybe she even forgot you had a dog.
Whatever it is, you can tell she isn’t trying to get to know you. If that’s the case, then you could be low on her priority list. She might be just going through the motions and not really listening when you’re together, because she’s not emotionally invested.
Signs You’re the Rebound Guy: Wrap-Up
Don’t worry if some of these signs sound familiar, or even spot on. Being the rebound guy (or girl) is very common, and we all go through it. The best thing to do is what you’re already doing — making yourself aware of the situation. Once you do that, you can change your dating strategy so that you attract women who are more compatible to you.
Do you need help fine-tuning your dating strategy so you find the type of partner you want? Hiring a coach can provide you the insight you need to make better decisions when it comes to dating and relating. Avoiding “rebound guy” status starts with you.
Book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype Session with me to learn how to up-level your confidence, identify the exact woman who’s ideal for you, and design a realistic plan to attract her into your life. We’ll also determine if my 3-month Signature program can help you meet your goals.