The poets illustrated the act many years ago.
We don’t coast into love, nor do we pry, or slip into it – we fall. Uncontrollably and without end our hearts are in free fall when we fall in love. The poets had it right. When we fall for someone we don’t make the choice to do so. This act of having your heart belong to someone else is one that’s typically celebrated. But what if this ancient pastime is happening every time you meet a new woman?
There is such a thing as falling in love too fast. Sure it doesn’t feel like we have the ability to alter our feelings, though romantic feelings can be conditioned to a certain degree. In this post, we’ll take a look at what falling in love fast looks like and how these feelings can be tamed.
Stop Falling in Love Too Fast By MegaDating
In 2011-12 I embarked on a personal and academic experiment that led me to go on 101 dates with 52 men in just over a year. It was this voyage that led me to MegaDating. The objective of the experiment as well as MegaDating was and is to truncate the period of time it takes to meet Mr. or Miss Right.
By dating various people simultaneously you’re building an understanding of what type of person most attracts you while at the same time meeting a wealth of people that could fit that mold. So why is MegaDating pertinent to you?
You’re the type of person that falls for every woman that gives you the time of day. Should she also tell you the weather, you might implode and propose to her on the spot. There’s a good chance you’re falling in love too fast because of scarcity bias. This bias takes shape when we feel as though there’s a limited amount of resources around. In effect, we value a resource higher than we normally would. Now let’s apply this bias to your love life.
Fresh out of college you fell in love with a woman. You were together two years before she broke up with you because a new job took her across the country. Since then you haven’t dated anyone for three years.
After this barren spell you think cupid will never again shoot you in the heart… until you see her. For whatever reason, she takes an interest in you and you two start going out. You’re enamored but your friends just don’t see it. She likes heavy metal you listen to jazz, she an extrovert, you prefer reading Poe next to the fire.
To everyone but you, the relationship is puzzling. You think she’s the one because in your mind there’s no chance in hell you’ll ever meet anyone else. While you’ll never say it, it’s better to settle than be forever alone.
This doesn’t have to be your reality. Adhering to the MegaDating philosophy means going out with multiple women every week. It’ll be hard if not impossible to settle when you’ve got a new woman waiting for you around the corner. At one time in your life you were content with scraps. With MegaDating you’ll be a kid in a candy shop, inundated with choices and with plenty of juicy options to choose from.
Ruling Out The Anxious Attachment Style
Everyone has an attachment style.
We develop them in childhood. Generally speaking the type of relationship we have with our parents defines our unique style. An anxious style is developed when parents behave erratically towards their children. One day they’ll shower their children with love, while the next they’ll spurn their child in favor of work, drugs, or any other modern distraction.
Someone who has an anxious attachment style won’t behave like their parents when it comes to love. Instead of oscillating between affection and aloofness, they’ll cling to their interest. This may be why you can’t get her out of your head. It has less to do with her being awesome and more to do with how your parents treated you as a child.
Realizing this and accepting your attachment style will give you the ability to change your feelings towards her. Being cognizant of your feelings will equip you with the power to change your attachment style.
Did Your Previous Relationship Just End?
Love is a drug.
This is both a wretched cliche and also science. When we’re in love, we generate more dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin than ever before. Yet when we suffer a breakup, these hormones and neurotransmitters vanish.
We try to generate those feelings again through sex with strangers, running, drugs, and of course by trying to reconcile with our ex. You my friend may be falsy manufacturing these chemicals because fake love is better than being deprived of the chemicals you’re not addicted to.
You might be falling in love too fast with women because you were scarred in a past relationship. Out of the blue, she ghosted you for no apparent reason. Being blissed-out on love chemicals one day and bereft of them the next might have resulted in a love hold that you never fully recovered from.
Work out a healthier way to feel good about yourself. Dopamine and oxytocin can also be generated by creating and maintaining platonic relationships. Exercise, a healthy diet, and new hobbies can also fill the void in healthier ways than treating love like it’s an addictive drug.
Did You Compare/Contrast Enough Women Before Committing to Your Last 2 Partners?
If not, how do you know you’re not settling?
During my 100-date experiment, if I decided to exclusively date the first guy I wanted a relationship with I would’ve made a huge mistake. The guy was awesome until I started comparing him with other men I went out with. Yeah, he said rude things sometimes but I knew he wasn’t a bad person. Yeah, we didn’t have a lot to talk about all the time, but other things were pretty good and after all, aren’t you supposed to get serious at some point?
How long can dating go on before it’s time to take things to the next level? If you’re feeling this way, I understand. I’ve been there. But none of those reasons are good enough for love. If anything above resonated with you, chances are you’re buying into the social pressure and hype of what you think a relationship should be. I’d recommend avoiding society’s normative views on how to live your life. No one can tell you when you’ve found love. Only you know that, and it’s a feeling, not a logical deduction of information.
Fixating on one woman gives you a case of emotional tunnel vision. Wider out your perception of what’s right for you by dating around. It’s only via comparison will you know who’s best for you. Falling in love with the first person you date is like buying a certain brand of ice cream at the supermarket and never trying another. How in the world do you know Edy’s is better than Magnum, Breyers, or Ben & Jerry’s? Side note, Ben & Jerry’s is in fact the best.
Falling in Love Too Fast: Are You Always The First One to Say “I Love You”?
That’s a dead give away.
Do you ex-girlfriends all think you’re a bit quick to pull the love trigger? That after just a month of dating you’re already in free fall? Something is wrong if you’re constantly the first person to say it. More accurately if you’re saying “I love you” prematurely, you’ve got a problem on your hands.
Ask yourself why you’re saying this. Are you truly in love or are you just afraid to be alone? At times we’ve all felt enamored with our romantic partner, because they were there for us. Men I’ve coached have often come to the realization that they wanted to say I love you, not because they were in love but because they were using their female companion as an emotional crutch.
Never allow your romantic partner to fulfill all your emotional and social needs. That isn’t fair to anyone. Space your needs out. Your partner can’t be your everything no matter how much religion and society demand it.
Do You Have Something To Prove?
Who are you loving this person for?
Are you forcing yourself to trip into love because you’re aging or because all your buddies are already starting families? Have your parents pressured you into burping out the words, “I love you” just a bit too soon? Think about it this way. If you were 23 again, would you still want to commit to this woman? If not, why?
Social comparison is a recipe for years of discontent, time wasted, and ultimately divorce. Don’t let those outside the relationship impact your love life more so than the woman you’ll be sharing your bed with.
What Problem Does A Relationship Solve For You?
A relationship shouldn’t solve any problem. You should want to be in one because you genuinely admire the person whose hand your holding. There doesn’t and shouldn’t be another reason. Don’t give your heart away because you’re lonely or because everyone on Facebook is getting married.
Avoid settling for a mediocre relationship with MegaDating. If at first MegaDating seems like some far-fetched dating idea, I can understand. Dating one women every 6 months might seem like a success, dating more than one in a single week seems impossible.
To help this impossible goal become a weekly schedule event, you might need a little assistance. In my 3-month Signature Program, I’ll teach you how to mine dates so as to fill up your social funnel. I’ll teach you how to find single women, ask them out, build attraction, and of course build a meaningful romantic relationship. Check out my webinar to learn more or book a new client session with me.
How To Know When It’s Real Love (And Not Forced)
Let’s get back to that falling sensation. No one chooses to fall. Falling happens as a consequence of something else. We trip on a rock, we fall, we misjudge a gap, we fall. Love is the same way.
Having a woman check off a certain number of boxes doesn’t unlock your heart and throw you into free fall. With the right person by your side you’re aware that it’s true love because your body will literally tell you. You’ll feel invincible around her, hurt when she’s gone, and want to spend literally all your time with her.
How To Know If You’ve Found the One?
Love feels like coasting. It’ll be easy around her. The conversation will flow, laughs will be had, and each moment you spend with her will be a moment spent correctly. If you can be yourself around her, be happy, and think about her while on dates with other women, that’s when you know she’s right for you. If there are too many ups and downs early on in a relationship, then you know she isn’t the one.
Also keep in mind that there isn’t really a “the one.” There are many “the ones.” We’re compatible with hundreds if not thousands or even millions of people. A set of circumstances will lead you to choose one of “the ones” to date or marry. Perhaps fairytale love isn’t what’s making your heartbeat. That’s okay. As long as she makes you feel awesome, you’re in the clear.
Have You Met Her Family? Friends? etc. If Not, Pump The Brakes My Dude
Love should be a balance.
It’s fine if the balance of love is ever so slightly out of wack. However, the scale shouldn’t be so tipped that she already has her designated spot at your family’s dining table when you’ve never even met her parents. Don’t waste time investing in someone that isn’t investing in you.
Inquire as to why this is the case. Perhaps she isn’t afraid her parents won’t like you but rather she’s scared you might find her folks repulsive. Discuss this openly with her before making any hasty decisions, otherwise you just might be falling in love too fast.
Have You Had Your First Fight?
Fighting and disagreements are to what a relationship as to what hitter’s slumps are to baseball players. A hitter’s slump is inevitable. You could be Barry Bonds but at one point that baseball is going to look the size of a golf ball. The issue isn’t whether or not they happen -they’re inevitable- it’s about how you respond to them.
Some partners think the fact that they’ve never had a conflict is boast-worthy. Not necessarily. It could just mean that you two are socially inept and too afraid to broad contentious subjects. Does that sound healthy to you?
A fight will tell you a lot about your partner. Loving someone before a first fight is risky. A fight will make you privy of who this person is. A first fight peels back another layer of their personality. Do they get aggressive when they fight or run away? Do they hear you out, show compassion and ultimately apologize and strive to be better in the future? Welcome a fight.
Talk It Out
Falling in love too fast with women isn’t the kind of romantic pattern you want to settle for. So how do you kick it?
Even though you’ve just read various ways in which you can deal with this habit, simply reading and applying might not be enough to kick the habit. I can assure you, I’ve helped men that have fallen faster and harder than you ever have. Now these men defy gravity. You two can defy the effects of premature love. All you need to do is book a 1-on-1 Skype session with yours truly.