Dear Thelma: My curiosity about dating app has rocked my marriage, Lifestyle News | #tinder | #pof

I’ve been in a loving and committed relationship with my wife for the last eight years. We do stay apart most of our married life due to work commitments. However, I have remained loyal and faithful to my wife.

Some time back, my friend told me about Tinder and Instagram. Out of curiosity, I joined these two platforms and started randomly following a few girls. There were short conversations such as how are you, exciting profile, and where are you from. Otherwise, there was no conversation suggesting sex, love or intimacy.

After a few days, I did not feel right and deleted my Tinder account. However, Instagram could not be deleted, and I did not follow up on anyone. However, my wife discovered this on my phone, and all hell broke loose.

I admit my mistake that I should not have done this in the first place. It was purely out of curiosity. I have no idea how to convince my wife on this even after many assurances. She feels the trust is broken.

I don’t want to lose my wife over such a silly curiosity and need your advice.

Mike

Tinder is a dating or hook-up app and Instagram is a regular social media platform, but you used both in order to explore your sexual interests.

This comes under emotional cheating, where a person shares feelings or behaves in a manner that should be reserved exclusively for their partner.

You say it was just a mistake. But you went through all the trouble of signing up, searching, and then talking to potential matches for some days. It’s way beyond a one-click, two-second look at someone’s bio.

Ask yourself, how come you didn’t consider what your partner would feel when she found out? Also think, “If my wife was on Tinder, chatting up random sexy men, would I be breezy about it?”

I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself about your motives. When signing up, did you present yourself as “X, a married man with a wife of eight years”? Or did you present yourself as single?

It is possible that you have had enough of working away, and want to be closer to your family. Or, it is truly as you thought, and this foray into Internet hook-up culture was thoughtless and silly.

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Whatever your motives, for your wife, it’s a serious blow. From her point of view, you were out there, seeing what else was available.

While I can’t tell what your wife is thinking, the most common reaction when we find out that a partner is looking around is that we’re not good enough. Also, that the partner is about to leave. It’s painful and scary.

Couples who spend a lot of time apart often fear that the relationship was never real; that all the time the other person has been cheating, and that we just didn’t see it.

The fact that she found out by accident, suggests that she might also be wondering what else you have concealed from her.

For people who have been cheated on before, or whose families were torn apart by infidelity, this situation can open up old wounds as well.

I hope that having read this, you can see that your hope that it will all just go away is naive. Your actions have stirred up a lot of painful feelings, and you will need to talk it out. That won’t happen in one chat.

Start by thinking exactly what your motives were. Then consider what you know of your wife, and try to figure out what her concerns may be. Then, talk.

Be honest with each other, and be gentle. Talk without fighting and accusations. You’ve been together for eight years, so work out how you’re going to get past this.

As you don’t mention other issues, I’m working on the premise that you both want to stay married and be happy together.

Therefore, work on reconnecting by considering what made you fall in love. All the stuff you used to do together when you first dated, do more of that over the next few weeks and months. Work actively on rekindling the deeper feelings.

If both of you work in good faith towards building a better marriage together, this will work out. But you’re in for a bit of hard work.


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