Let’s just say I will never be the same…
Recently, I decided to try a little experiment. I started saying yes on dating apps and online dating sites to anyone that seemed remotely interesting or interested in order to see what would happen if I agreed to meet lots of different people.
I couldn’t help but wonder — Am I being too choosy? What if I’ve been missing out on great potential connections by placing too much emphasis on sexual chemistry and attraction?
So I made an already busy week much busier by meeting up with gents (wish I had gotten to meet some ladies as well, but whatevs, that’ll happen eventually) to see if I could add a few new and unexpected connections/lovers/play-partners in my life.
Here’s what happened over the course of my week spent saying nothing but “Yes.”
Date #1: The Military Guy
It all started with Military Guy, with whom I’d been chatting for a couple of days on Plenty Of Fish (AKA POF). I knew there was no chance of us doing more than hanging out, but I still invited him to hang out on his last night in my town.
He was smart and we had great conversations. We tried a new restaurant that had just opened a few days prior (it was delicious!), we walked around the waterfront a little, and then we went to the local board game café for milkshakes and some games (we played Kulami), which was fun.
All in all, it was a great evening. I had fun, enjoyed a nice evening out, had some interesting discussions, and managed to spend a Saturday night doing something social. Even though there was nothing else to expect from this meeting, I’m glad I went.
Related: 6 Common Pieces Of Relationship Advice That Are 100% B.S.
Date #2: The Economist
My next date was with The Economist. I’d answered his intriguing ad on Fetlife earlier the week before, and we planned for a coffee date on Monday.
Although he was a bit on the younger side than my usual dating interests (he was even younger than my brother!), his smarts and geekiness convinced me that we’d at least get along in a friendly way — which is exactly what happened.
The hour sped by and I had a really good time. We come from different sides of academia — him in Economics (duh) and me in the Humanities, and I find that it makes for really interesting conversation when you can look at problems from completely different perspectives and dissect them together. I love learning new points of view and approaches, so that was fun.
As someone who’s been told she doesn’t “look kinky” (whatever the hell that means), I find myself fascinated by the hidden sides of people and what they hide behind their masks.
The Economist looked cute and inoffensive, so I’m really quite curious to see what his toppy, Dommy-side looks like.
We’re already planning a simple scene soon to start … locks and chains. Yum!
Date #3: The Dog Lover
Then on Tuesday, there was the Dog Lover. I called him Dog Lover because one of his pictures has him cuddling with a dog. We exchanged a few brief messages on POF and I agreed to meet him, not really knowing if we’d have much in common. Sometimes you just gotta give it a chance.
Well, it turned out I should have stayed home.
My feeling was correct, we didn’t have much in common and the date was, to say the least, boring. He kept looking away from me as if disgusted by my actual weight (which I don’t hide in my photos at all) and even though I tried to keep him engaged in conversation, it was like pulling teeth.
He was cute but not particularly interesting, without any passion I could see. He ended the date with, “Let’s stay in touch”— and I was like, “No.”
Oh well. I’ll consider this one training for my future as a therapist who will sometimes have to pull teeth, I guess.
After that, I went to a munch, arranged another date with someone from the kink community (or at least, got his number) and then got beautifully and royally beaten and f*cked by C. (He calls me “Princess” for a reason!)
Date #4: Sunglasses At Night
Another POF find, Sunglasses At Night was a nicer chat than Dog Lover, but still, no chemistry. He asked me questions and got me talking (which I love), but in the end, it was a no-go.
Sometimes I wonder if I should bother dating outside of the kink community at all.
I mean, there are potentially kinky people out there who just need to be guided to the community (thinking of a friend whom I introduced and he now has a wonderful relationship with a woman in the community), but the drudgery of meeting them and figuring out whether they’re interested or going to slap me with some Bible drivel when I tell them what I like doesn’t really feel productive. (Not that this is what happened with Sunglasses At Night. He was a gentleman and listened and asked questions.)
So, I don’t know. I know there are wonderful vanilla people out there, but the question remains — do I want to date them?
First, I realized I’m really not meant to handle so much social activity in so little time. I ended the week of adventure feeling exhausted and wanting only to lie on my couch and cuddle my cat while watching Outlander.
Although I did have one successful date out of four (I know that’s not really a big sample size, but bear with me), I’m not sure I’d do something like this again.
I believe I truly lowered my standards by not chatting more extensively with potential dates and making sure we got along BEFORE accepting to meet them. That would have saved me the awkwardness of Dog Lover and probably would have told me not to bother meeting Sunglasses At Night either.
In the end, although it was an interesting experiment, I think I need to be even more choosy about who I meet.
Meeting people within the kink community is best for me because at least I know those people have similar interests and are committed to improving their kink lives. Still, I won’t say no to meeting someone I get along with who might be vanilla.
I also learned about the limits of my introversion.
I really can’t go out talking to people every day. I’ve been out pretty much every day for over a week and I am exhausted, mostly emotionally. Even though not every outing was a date, I still need time to replenish and re-energize. So I need to be more careful about spreading out my social events and leaving myself enough time to recover.
All in all, it was an interesting week, but I wouldn’t do it again.
With dates coming up with C., seeing E. more often lately, and possibly finding a new play partner in The Economist, I doubt I’ll have much time for dating anyway. Also, I’m going back to school in September (yay!) so I will have even less time available for seeing people.
The 5 major lessons I learned in my week of saying “yes” are these:
1. Be more, not less, choosy in who you accept to meet. Talk with them a little more before agreeing to meet than you otherwise would normally do.
2. Only meet those people you truly believe you may have sexual chemistry with.
3. When in doubt, don’t bother.
4. It’s okay to meet when you are only looking for new friends, as long as that expectation is made clear beforehand.
5. If you have a particular interest (such a kink, polyamory, and so on), the related community is a smart place to start in order to find more compatible lovers.