Ever wondered what every Kanto Gym Leader’s Tinder profile would look like? Wonder no more, for we have discovered all of the details.
Although the wonderful world of Pokemon is steeped in magic that emanates from strange and mysterious creatures, it’s also pretty similar to our own in lots of ways. I mean, the fact that kids just run around battling each other with monsters and have literally thousands of dollars to fork over if they lose means that this world is probably post-scarcity, but aside from that it’s just like the real one. People (sort of) have jobs, there’s (sort of) healthcare, a (sort of) law enforcement institution exists.
And, of course, most singletons have dating apps on their phones.
Now, I’m not sure if you knew this, but Tinder has become so ubiquitous on a global scale that it has actually infiltrated the fictional world of Pokemon. You need proof? Well, as luck would have it, I recently unearthed the Tinder profiles of all eight Gym Leaders from Kanto, all of which were made ten years after the events of Red & Blue. Here’s everything I dug up in order of the Gen 1 gym lineup.
Brock is 25 years old now and has left his life as a Gym Leader behind. Instead, he devotes his time to Pokemon breeding. When he’s not working, he’s probably cooking with the same frying pan he once used as a drying pan. He only joined Tinder a couple of days ago, so he’s pretty happy with his 32 likes – although he’s also not really arsed with the whole thing because he only joined to see if Nurse Joy was on it.
At 21 years of age, Misty is still the Cerulean City Gym Leader, and has become somewhat of a celebrity in Kanto for her rip-roaring battles. She’s just checked Tinder after her morning swim and has a whopping 81 likes, although they’re mostly from fans who maintain weird parasocial relationships with her. Her signal isn’t very good in the gym anyway, so she’ll probably just delete the app before redownloading it again next week.
Lt. Surge is an idiot. A reasonably attractive man in his mid-40s, Surge’s bio reads, “I was in the army now I am the leader of Vermilion City’s gym if u want to meet up you need the HM for Cut sorry.” He also only has one photo and it’s of him with his shirt open – he looks like a catfish. As if that’s not bad enough, it’s almost 3pm and his phone is at 100% battery – who on Earth has a fully-charged phone in the middle of the afternoon? I know his Raichu keeps all of Surge’s gadgets in tip-top shape by giving them a quick jolt every so often, but mate, unless you add another few photos and sort that bio out, you’ve got 100% battery for absolutely no reason.
Erika is still the Celadon City Gym Leader and has uploaded the maximum amount of photos you’re allowed to on Tinder. The issue is, as you can probably see from her first photo – she’s barely in any of them. She’s cropped them to focus on her Pokemon, which include completely stoned ‘mons like Gloom, who is literally recorded as the “Weed Pokemon” in the Pokedex. Also, Gloom emits a pungent smell that can knock people unconscious from almost two miles away, which isn’t exactly the best pretext for a first date. Erika hasn’t charged her phone in over 24 hours and has actually forgotten Tinder exists because she’s hanging out with a Tangela, so her 75 potential matches are probably going to be left disappointed.
Koga has two photos on Tinder – this one, and one of his Weezing farting. He says it’s an eon-old ninja technique designed to convert any battlefield into a zone where you can use evasion to your advantage, but it’s literally just a poison fart. He’s got a fair few likes, mind, but he probably won’t even realize because he forgot to charge his phone last night. Again. Anyway, Koga is up at 5:45am so he can run a full marathon before the sun rises, at which point he will retreat into his humble abode, which has no lighting. Ninjas only operate under cover of darkness – want to go on a date with this guy? Ditch the candlelit dinner.
Sabrina has changed a lot over the years. Ten years ago she used her psychic powers to trap Misty and Brock in a doll house because she thought that was how people made friends. After learning that was WRONG, Sabrina started to broaden her horizons. She’s 31 now and really likes Death Cab for Grookey. She’s also a lowercase person now, although that’s not to say she’s gone completely alternative – she still keeps her phone fully charged and makes sure that both her Wi-Fi and service are as clear as possible at all times.
Blaine’s just on Tinder looking for a friend, really, although he’s not exactly helping himself. He lives in a volcano that blew up an entire island and refuses to leave. He also only has one photo, which is a close-up of him in disguise. What’s more, he has awful signal and Wi-Fi and can barely get the app to load, let alone message any matches he gets. This is actually a blessing in disguise, though, because his opening line is usually, “Wanna grab dinner some time? You better bring Burn Heal!”
Giovanni doesn’t even care about matching with people on Tinder – he just wants to feed his ego. If he were to match with anyone, it would almost definitely be himself. He’s got his job down as “mob boss,” which is deliberately vague given that nobody knows if he’s still with Team Rocket or has a new gang. He’s lied about his age – he’s actually 51, but the day he turned 50 he just subtracted ten years and now he flat out refuses to grow older, celebrating his 40th birthday once a year. He also made one of his lackeys hack Tinder so he could set his location to “???” just because he reckons he’s really enigmatic. I mean, it’s working, clearly. It’s 2:34am in the morning and he’s got 99+ likes – you hate to admit it, but Giovanni’s got game.
Next: Pokemon Blue Was The First Game To Teach Me The Cost Of Cheating
Diamond & Pearl Introduced Pokemon’s Best Battle Mechanic Of All Time
About The Author