“I Don’t See Us Getting Back Together…” What Does It Mean?


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I like writing articles that challenge me intellectually.

This is one of those types of articles.

Most of you are here for a reason.

You want your ex boyfriend back.

Thus, it makes perfect sense that your greatest fear is your ex boyfriend killing any chance you have of a happy reunion.

How can he go about doing this?

Easy, with one simple phrase,

“I don’t see us getting back together”

Hmm… perhaps I wasn’t specific enough for you.

Ok, here is a quick role play in which I am going to act out your greatest fear about your ex boyfriend.

For the purposes of this role play we are going to pretend that I am your ex boyfriend (YAY ME!)

The two of us have been dating for three years and then one day you come home and notice me on the couch with a very depressed look on my face.

What’s wrong?” you ask me.

Sit down… we need to talk” I say to you with the same depressed look on my face.

Over the next hour I tell you that my feelings aren’t what they once were.

Things have gotten stale…

I just need a break from “us…”

In other words, I break up with you on the spot.

Over the next few weeks you slowly but surely work your way back into my life and try to convince me that us getting back together is a good idea.

You are relentless about this. In fact, so relentless that you start to get on my nerves.

Every single day it’s the same old story…

You try to convince me that our relationship is important and that we should get back together.

Unfortunately, after about the tenth day in a row I start to get annoyed with you and that’s when I blurt out,

“Look, I don’t see us getting back together so stop trying to convince me.”

….

….

….

OUCH!

Well, today we are going to explore what an ex boyfriend means when he says that phrase to you.

The Way This Page Is Going To Work

it works

I’m going to be honest with you.

I don’t do this very often.

Usually when I write one of these mammoth guides I like to focus on big picture ideas.

For example, I am sure you are familiar with my guide on how to get your ex boyfriend back or how to ask him to be in a relationship with you. Those are very popular situations and each of those guides cover a wide variety of topics within them.

It’s not often that I write a guide around one specific phrase. However, that is the case with this guide as I am going to be dissecting what a man means when he tells you,

“I don’t see us getting back together…”

So, since this guide is deviating from the normal way I write it should be common sense to assume that the way this is going to work is going to be a bit different than normal.

In other words, I have decided to divide this page up into two sections… or parts… or.. whatever you prefer.

Actually, now that I think about it I think I am going to go with “parts.”

So, there is going to be a part one and a part two.

Now, I know what you are wondering.

“What the heck are these parts?”

Good question, in order for me to explain that I must first explain the two commonly held beliefs that women have when they hear,

“I don’t see us getting back together”

Two Beliefs About “I Don’t See Us Getting Back Together”

believe it buddy

How can I put this…

There are two train of thoughts when it comes to the phrase we are dissecting today.

Thought One- My Ex Doesn’t Want To Be With Me… Right Now

Thought Two- My Ex Doesn’t Want To Be With Me

Now, I am tempted to explain what each of these train of thoughts mean but that’s kind of the point of the whole article here so I am going to hold off on that.

Above I mentioned that I have decided to format this page so that there are two parts to it.

Do you see where these is going?

Part One = My Ex Doesn’t Want To Be With Me… Right Now

Part Two = My Ex Doesn’t Want To Be With Me

Now, since the goal of this guide is to teach you about the mind of a man who says, “I don’t want to be with you right now” I am going to give you my thoughts on what is going on in the mind of a man who says this phrase in each of the parts.

Part of the problem that we are dealing with here is the fact that everything is very situational.

For example, a man who has just gotten cheated on is probably more likely to mean “I don’t want to be with you” than a man who hasn’t.

That’s kind of why instead of giving one set answer to what it means when a man tells you that he doesn’t see the two of you getting back together I am giving you both sides of the coin.

Lets start with part one!

PART ONE: It Means That He Doesn’t Want To Be With You… Right Now

right now

Like I said above there are two parts to this bad boy.

In this “part” we are going to be focusing on your ex boyfriend meaning he doesn’t want to be with you… right now.

So, for those of you who are confused take a deep breath.

The way this works is pretty simple.

Your ex boyfriend tells you the generic,

“I don’t see us getting back together.”

But what does he really mean?

Well, with this “part” he does mean what he says but only in the current moment.

The Importance Of “Right Now”

meow

Take a look at the phrase above..

Hmm.. maybe I should be mores specific.

Ok, take a look at the phrase below,

“It means that he doesn’t want to be with you… right now.”

Notice the bolded part?

Those two little words, right now, mean A LOT.

They are the difference from your ex boyfriend actually meaning what he says and not meaning what he says.

The best way I can describe this is by taking a look at a workout.

I know that sounds weird but bear with me here.

I really enjoy going for a workout.

Why?

Because I feel like I am accomplishing something and after the workout food tastes like 10 times better.

So, lets say that I go for a really hard workout.

Lets say I do something insane and am in the gym for something crazy like 4 hours and I end up losing 5lbs from that one workout. After I am finished with the workout I think to myself,

“Man, I have nothing left to give.”

If you were to ask me in that moment,

“Hey Chris, would you like to go out for another workout?”

I would definitely say no especially if I felt I had nothing left to give.

However, if you were to ask me the same question a few days later when I am feeling healthy I would definitely say yes.

The two little words,

“Right Now”

Work in this way.

Just because your ex boyfriend is saying something like, “I don’t see us getting back together” to you doesn’t necessarily make it true.

Hmm… perhaps I should expand on this.

Why An Ex Saying “I Don’t See Us Getting Back Together” Doesn’t Make It True 100% Of The Time

must be true

“Two words. Three vowels. Four consonants. Seven letters. It can either cut you open to the core and leave you in ungodly pain or it can free your soul and lift a tremendous weight off you shoulders. The phrase is: It’s over.”

Maggie Richard once said this about breaking up.

I have found that it is very true.

As I am sure you are aware going through a breakup is one of the most painful things that a human being can experience.

I mean, breakups are often associated with,

  • Pain
  • Anger
  • Crying
  • Depression
  • Loss Of Appetite
  • Physical Harm
  • Withdrawl

Last time I checked everything I mentioned above is very negative.

I guess my point is that breakups have a lot of negatives associated with them and a person doesn’t just get over a breakup in a week or two. Heck, I have seen some cases where it takes a person YEARS to finally move on.

So, let me ask you.

When you take an ex boyfriend who is going through a highly emotional time during a breakup and listen to him say,

“I don’t see us getting back together”

How likely is it that you think he actually means what he is saying?

I mean, of course he doesn’t see the two of you getting back together RIGHT NOW because RIGHT NOW his life sucks.

He is going through a breakup after all.

You remember my cool example about the workout above?

Well, I look at an ex boyfriend saying that he doesn’t see the two of you getting back together like you asking him if he wants to run a mile after he has just run a marathon. Of course, the answer is going to be no in the moment.

However, like with most relationships a lot of this all boils down to timing.

If you were to re-approach the situation at a later time and push the right emotional buttons you may find that he has a different outlook.

In other words, “right now” usually means,

“Maybe Later.”

A Case Study Proving This

Here is something I haven’t done before.

Today we are going to take a real life example and show you how you can’t always take everything your ex boyfriend says “in the moment” so personally.

I want you to meet Sarah.

(That isn’t really her but I figured you would respond better to an image of her so I found this picture to hold as a place holder.)

Sarah is just like you.

Her boyfriend broke up with her citing a bunch of lame reasons (most of which aren’t true.)

Like all women in her position Sarah was faced with a choice.

She could desperately try to win him back or she could give up and move on.

What do you think she chose?

If you guessed “getting him back” then you would be right. Of course, Sarah wasn’t too clever in how she tried to get him back. She made most of the mistakes here and ended up pushing her ex further away.

That’s when something amazing happened.

The heavens parted…

Angels sang…

And God brought her his most powerful ally when it comes to breakups…

ME!

angel man

All kidding aside Sarah ended up finding Ex Boyfriend Recovery and implementing the advice found here.

Slowly but surely the advice started working.

Oh, perhaps I should mention that the two of us communicated for a while through the comments section here. In fact, I believe she even went as far as to buy my PRO system. So, we did have constant contact throughout this hard time in her life.

It might also be relevant to mention that at one point early on her ex boyfriend did mutter a version of,

“I don’t see us getting back together ever…”

What did he say exactly?

To be honest I can’t remember 100% what he said but it was probably something like,

“Look Sarah, I like you a lot but I don’t think we are right together.”

You get the picture.

So, here is the question I submit to you.

Do you think he meant it?

Well, the only sure fire way that Sarah could find out was to try my strategies and see if she could get him back.

Guess what…

SHE DID!

Screen-Shot-2015-04-27-at-6.26.42-PM

So, what we have here is a case where an ex boyfriend claims that he is never going to take you back and then his actions suggest otherwise.

Speaking of actions…

Actions Vs. Words Theory

more action

I am a big believer that actions speak louder than words.

I know…

I know…

It’s not necessarily the most earth shattering insight but it kind of explains the case study above.

For example, Sarah’s boyfriend told her at one point that he didn’t think that they would be together. However, after a few months go by he ends up getting together with her.

Does this make him a liar?

Why yes it does…

Above I explained my theory on why this phenomenon occurs (remember how I said that breakups are extremely emotional and cloud people’s judgement?) Well, I don’t want to spend too much time talking about the lying right now.

What I would like to do is focus in on the actions vs words theory.

What is the actions vs words theory you ask?

Actions Vs. Word’s Theory– Instead of getting hung up on a mans words I want you to take words out of the equation entirely. I want you to take a look at his actions only since they are the true test as to what he is really thinking.

Lets zone in on the situation above with Sarah and her ex.

What was Sarah’s exes words?

“I don’t see us getting back together”

If Sarah was smart (which she was) she would completely disregard this and instead of obsessing about it she would just focus in on his actions AFTER he said it since they are the true test.

Ok, lets do that now.

What was Sarah’s exes actions?

He took her back

So, what we have here is a situation where the actions and words don’t agree. Of course, it just so happens that them not agreeing worked out for Sarah in this case.

What’s the point of me teaching you this theory?

It’s to teach you to not react to him saying “I don’t see us getting back together” immediately.

That’s actually the worst mistake you can make because you’ll be amazed at how many men can change their mind down the road but you can’t right them off right away for that to happen.

Of course, there are always those cases where your exes action may match up with his words.

PART TWO: It Actually Means He Doesn’t Want To Be With You

do not want

If you recall I have divided this page up into two different “parts.”

These parts are meant to represent the most common train of thoughts that women have when a man tells them “I don’t see us getting back together…”

In part one I talked a lot about the fact that there is a strong chance that your ex boyfriend may not totally mean it when he tells you that you guys aren’t going to end up together. Well, in part two we are going to take the opposite approach.

I am going to list out the warning signs that you need to keep an eye out for if your ex boyfriend actually means what he says.

There is nothing worse than putting your heart and soul into something only to have it not pan out in the end.

That is exactly what I want to help you avoid in this “part.”

Look, I would be doing you a disservice if I sat here and told you that there wasn’t a possibility that your ex could mean what he says when he says the “get back together” line.

There is…

However, I am going to teach you the warning signs that you need to look out for to determine whether or not trying to get him back is a waste of time.

I guess we should start off by talking about a concept that I just talked about.

Actions Vs. Words Matching

actions

It’s kind of weird.

Usually when we talk about actions and words matching we want them to match.

For example, when you have an ex boyfriend who gives you mixed signals and says something like,

“We will be together later.”

You want his actions to match with his words because it means that eventually you will indeed be together.

Unfortunately, that is not the case in this situation.

If you have an ex boyfriend who tells you that he doesn’t see the two of you getting back together you want his actions to say the opposite.

But what if they match?

What if your ex boyfriend tells you that he doesn’t want to be with you and his actions also point towards that?

Well, in that case things aren’t looking so good for you since it probably points towards the fact that he actually means what he says.

But what are some of the “actions” he can take for him to actually mean his words?

Action #1- He Ignores You Permanently

Lets say that your ex delivers the patented “I don’t see us getting back together line” and you take a very pragmatic approach to receiving the news.

Rather than reacting in the moment like so many other women do you decided to lay back and study his actions.

Your first way of testing the waters is reaching out to him with a friendly text message,

Screen Shot 2015-05-20 at 8.46.00 AM

You wait a few minutes… no response.

You wait an hour… no response.

You wait for a full day… no response.

Hmm… it looks like he isn’t going to respond to me. That’s ok, I will try again at a later date” you think to yourself.

There’s just one problem.

When you do try again at a later date he still ignores you.

In fact, every single time you ever reach out to him he ignores you.

As a general rule no response/attention from an ex is the worst thing that can happen to you.

No, seriously…

I would rather take negative attention over no attention any day when it comes to this game.

Let’s move on to our next “action.”

Action #2- He Is Insisting That You Won’t Get Back Together… A Lot

This isn’t an action per se but if your ex boyfriend is persistent about the fact that the two of you won’t get back together it can turn into an action.

Confusing huh?

Allow me to explain.

Imagine that I was your ex boyfriend and I told you that we weren’t ever going to get back together.

Of course, you being you, you decided to completely disregard what I say and continued to try to win me back.

Now, me being me continued to tell you that you had no chance.

In fact, I must have said this to you over 10 times.

If I am saying something to you that much it becomes an action.

Why?

Because there is a pattern to it and I consciously created that pattern.

In other words, I consciously took the action of building that pattern.

Action #3- Your Ex Starts Dating Someone Else

Some of you may be shocked that I am even mentioning this since I have put together extensive guides on how to get your ex back if he has a new girlfriend.

So, why would I recommend that women try to win back their ex in that case and not in this one?

Well, this is a little bit of a different situation.

Why?

Because of the fact that your ex warned you ahead of time that he did not see the two of you getting back together in the future… ever.

So, him taking the action of finding someone else is indicative that he might actually mean what he says.

Now, I do have a bit of good news with regards to this particular situation.

There are some very rare cases where he will date a new girl just to spite you.

For example, if I was your ex and was hurt really bad by the breakup and I went out and found the first girl that would date me I would be doing it to spite you. It just so happens that we call this a rebound relationship.

Rebounds are not what I am talking about here.

I am talking about when your ex boyfriend legitimately moves on.

In other words, enough time has passed for him to be over the breakup and be serious about someone new.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that if your ex is in a rebound relationship we aren’t going to count that as an official relationship.

Get it?

View full post on Ex Boyfriend Recovery


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16 thoughts on ““I Don’t See Us Getting Back Together…” What Does It Mean?

  1. Maggie

    Hi,

    So every situation is different. I’m just really broken-hearted, confused, hurt, and not sure where to go from here. This is long. Not even sure any of this applies because I don’t know if we were ever actually dating. I met him last summer – we were both living and working away from our respective homes. We hung out for a good month toward the end of our summer and really connected. I was honest with him about where I was at – that I had been hurt by the last guy and that I just wasn’t in a good spot to be with someone. I told him I liked him and wanted to keep getting to know him, but I just needed some time before jumping into anything with anyone. He took it really well and was very sweet to me. He told me he thought I was an awesome person and he wanted the chance to date me someday. We both moved home (different states) in the fall and both had intentions to go back for the winter and I promised him the chance to get to know me better when we returned. We kept in touch pretty regularly via Facebook and only had one little miscommunication (which I now question), which I thought we resolved. I began to question if that was going to be the best place for me and had a good opportunity lined up at home, so I told him I was thinking about staying. He seemed to begin to change his mind too, which I didn’t know how to take…I thought it was sweet and I was flattered because it seemed like his decision to go was based on me, but even though I truly wanted to keep getting to know him, I didn’t want him to make that decision based on me. He kept asking me what I thought he should do and I told him I didn’t know…that he should do whatever was going to make him the happiest. He suggested if he didn’t go back that I should come visit. I said that would be fun.

    Neither of us ended up going back and he began looking at moving to another state permanently. He had asked my opinion about it prior and knew it was somewhere I have always considered living. He kept talking about how it would be a fresh start for me, which he realized I needed as much as I realized it. I entertained the idea on my own and figured it to be a possibility if we were going to make something work long-term. It’s somewhere I’ve always kept tabs on – but I had never visited – and I knew it would be somewhere good for me in all aspects of my life and I thought maybe this was just the push I needed to make the leap.

    He ended up taking a job there (never having visited) and moved at the beginning of the year. By then we had exchanged numbers and he kept saying he wanted to call and talk but he never actually picked up the phone and kept using Facebook as our means of communicating. He missed my birthday at the end of the year, which is what it is, but he never did acknowledge it and I never brought it up. He was actually really rude and ignored me at Christmas – he didn’t even respond to my Merry Christmas message! – but later apologized after I didn’t respond right away. I told him how I felt about it and he acknowledged that it was selfish. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, but maybe I forgave him too quickly.

    I sent him a really sweet message for his first day of work and we finally spoke on the phone that week. Things were going well and we began talking on the phone at least once a week for at least an hour – and neither of us have ever been big phone talkers – and communication just picked up in general. We both were opening up more. I shared some pretty big dreams with him (even though he already knew some) that I haven’t shared with anyone really and he knew that was a pretty big deal to me. He seemed to be liking his job and was open about having some anxiety with having moved there and always said talking to me put him at ease (he has since acknowledged that he was lonely at times and now I feel like he was using me). He suggested we find a time for me to come visit, so we started doing just that. I told him I just didn’t want to rush things and he said he wasn’t trying to. I was nervous because it was actually really similar to the last situation I had been in – it was long distance too and another girl entered the picture – and I had a lot of nerves to calm, but I trusted he was different and went for it. He offered to pay for my flight but I didn’t want him to. He said we could take things slow and I acknowledged and thanked him for being patient to that point. He did push a little when I was there, but didn’t seem frustrated.

    We had a fun time together…it wasn’t perfect, but we had fun. He had asked me at one point toward the end of my stay if I thought he did good by moving there (as in would I be happy there) and I nodded and said more importantly, “are you happy here?”. I’m wise enough to know that he needs to be happy on his own before I move for him. He talked about how I would like his mom and alluded to us having a future together more than once. The trip wasn’t without a hiccup, though. There were some uncomfortable moments and just a lot of nerves, in general, but I knew that stuff would dissipate with time and trust and comfort and communication. For the sake of clarity, I asked what we were as we were snuggling one last time before we had to leave for the airport. He asked me if I wanted to date him and I said yes, if he wanted that. He suggested we make a plan that week to see each other again and I agreed and said I’d start working on it with my boss to figure out some time off. And suddenly he began to pull away. He said he needed some time to process everything and he looked me in the eye and said he wasn’t looking to date anyone else, but he just needed a day or two to think. The guy who kept saying he wanted to date me was suddenly on the fence. My heart sank. The whole car ride to the airport was awkward silence and I was trying not to cry or show that I was hurting, but I am really bad at that and I felt like it was all falling apart before it even had a chance to get off the ground. He told me he just needed a day or two to think and that it was a lot to take in. We exchanged a few brief texts and I texted him when I got home the next morning. I was pretty cold to his texts back because they just didn’t feel sincere at that point and I got scared and I was really tired and emotional. He said we’d talk that night. We did. It was super later when he called and I had actually already been sleeping, but he said he decided he just wanted to be friends. We’re different people. He didn’t think I was ready to be in a long-term, committed relationship. I cried. I called back. I tried sending some friendly texts in the next few days and he responded politely. And then I poured everything out in a message. He responded. We clearly had a ton of misunderstandings and things that I didn’t realize were building up against us after reading his message. Assumptions were made based on hesitations and lack of understanding (I had questions about him too, but didn’t let my presumptive thoughts to guide my decisions before I asked the necessary questions). I responded with honesty and openness. His response was brief. I made every mistake in the book after a break-up (if this even was) to that point and them some after that, but I couldn’t not be open about things to get the truth out there. He replied once and said we could talk the next day and then we never did. I found out later that his ex-girlfriend came to visit him that weekend. She did call while I was there but I didn’t think anything of it because I trusted him with it. He made a few minutes to talk to me one day after I sent another long message the following week (he doesn’t know I know she was there, but like I said, every mistake) and said he knows what he wants and we should both just move on with our lives. I am pretty sure they got back together and they are either still together or he broke it off recently with her and he is with this new girl, whose pictures he is always liking on Facebook (presumably to make me jealous) and whose birthday party he made it publicly known he is going to. He never “liked” anything of mine, but did want to tag me in photos (and I would have let him after I was home if we were actually together, but now I wonder if it would have been to make his ex jealous or if he would have hid them from her). He was very secretive about his ex (actually has since hid a lot of old photos that I had previously seen and made it so I can’t see anything on his timeline – yes, I checked) and never liked any of her public stuff, but now he is suddenly not so secretive with this other girl.

    Anyway, I haven’t been in contact with him for 4 months…just came across your page recently. I did make a comment about how rare quality people are with a photo I posted with my dad for his retirement 2 months ago…so maybe that wasn’t the best idea…it really was more about my dad because he’s a great guy and he was going through a lot and the place he worked wasn’t treating him right, but yes, it was partly directed at this guy I once thought was such a great guy. I debated texting him for his birthday to show him that I have a good heart and I don’t need Facebook to remind me, but decided he didn’t deserve it after never being able to acknowledge that my birthday even happened. He blocked me from seeing every birthday post too. Is a guy like that just mad at himself at how he treated me and too stubborn and too full of pride or did his mask completely fall off? He does have some insecurities and his confidence does seem to be more affected by being “shot down” by girls than most guys I know. I tried to make it known to him that he wasn’t getting “shot down” initially just because I needed time and just because I didn’t want to rush things. And that I was interested in getting to know him. He was really special to me and told me it’s pretty rare to meet someone like me, that I made his year, and that I was worth waiting for. He told me I brought out the best in him…and I saw some of that. So why do I now only get to see the worst of him?

    I’d like to get to a point where he will meet me somewhere in person. If nothing else, to talk through everything and get closure. Do guys even have it in them to talk through everything…every question that was ever asked, every doubt clarified, every answer that was never given, everything that was never said (on both sides)? I’ve thought about texting him, but I don’t want to look like I need him because I chose him. I needed him to stand by me, but I sure didn’t need to get back into another relationship, especially one with someone who lacks the humility and compassion that I really thought he had. I’ve struggled with drying up the tears, but I am pursuing one of my dreams (one that he knows about) and it makes me happy because it’s in my heart but sad because it reminds me of him. There have been so many things I have wanted to tell him about and talk to him about but he hasn’t been there and I’m not sure he deserves to know the good stuff I have been doing. I kinda went on a date just happenstance…just grabbed dinner after a fun day hanging out at the lake with a guy who I thought was cute, got along well with, and had a great sense of humor, but showed some of his same bad qualities. He ignored my well wishes one day so I snubbed him and I was on a trip of a lifetime so I didn’t want to think about that crap. I gave him a polite response a few days later and haven’t heard from him since and that’s ok. There was no investment in him or time to build any sort of strong feelings. But I don’t know what to do. No contact for 4 months. He’s clearly interested in moving on. Even if the ex was his way of rebounding, this new girl seems a lot like me…like he has found my replacement. Props if you read this whole thing.

  2. jacquie

    I have read everything you wrote and listened to your poadcast. I am in a pretty messed up situation or rather I am just out of a messed up situation. I met this guy and we started a LDR, he moved to Amsterdam for work (he is 28) and I had to stay in Paris for college (I am 20). everything worked out great, we were happy and communicating everyday. I was pretty open about my past but he was shaddy. (fast forward) I visited him to spend a week together, everything went well until I started having questions about our Relationship like “what are we?”; “where do you see us?”, “when was your last Relationship?” to all those questions he replied that he could not say he loved me but he cared deeply, he said something about rekindling our love when I am 45 (which was weird to me). he also said that his ex gf and him broke up six months prior. i was not satisfied with the answers so I snooped and found out they were still in contact and they stayed together for years but the distance (she is a columbian) broke them apart. he called her the love of his life. after I come home I told him about her and gave him a choice : either me or her but he can’t have it both. after a few weeks he dumps me because of me going on a foreign exchage program in Atlanta, that LDR with the ex has disappointed him…but I felt that there is more to the story, so after a 40 NC, I sent him a message which he replied to, fought a lot, flirted and then he went back to the silent mode, I then told him I needed some kind of closure and asked him to pick out of multiple choices how he felt and what he should say (which to me is the truth) : why didn’t he fight for us? i there any chance for us to get back together or this option is closed? or he could even say: thanks for everything, or we had great intimate nights but that was it really.
    He chose “thanks for everything” which is fine to me.
    now I want to know if there’s hope for us in the future? what do you think of that soap opera mess? can you light me about his behavior? i am confused (like I said we never argued, always had fun, talked about the future, everyhing felt super natural and easy).
    if us is not possible, how can i go through this feeling of being used? how to trust and love again?

  3. Anonymous

    Chris, I have been reading your pages for a while now and they are really helpful it is actually helping me get through each day. The confusing part is that so many different of these categories/topics relate to my situation and I don’t know what to think is right.
    Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 5 years, we did break up one other time (he broke up with me because he said he felt it was better for me since he was always so busy), and we texted everyday after the break up for 6 months until we got back together. Since then 2 and a half years later we were doing just fine….or so I thought. A week ago we sat down and he broke up with me saying it wasn’t my fault but he wished I was different. We cried together and he said he wasn’t there to breakup with me, but later that day he said it was over through text. The next day he texted me saying he was sorry and then changed his excuse to he didn’t have any feelings for me anymore that he couldn’t keep pretending everything was alright between us and that he couldn’t see us lasting a long term relationship (even though we always use to talk about or future together, and we never fought at all). We still text almost everyday because we both agreed we didn’t want each other out of our lives. I was already better to where I could see him, but he said he wasn’t ready and doesn’t know if we will be able to hang out in the future as friends….yet he still texts me everyday. I even asked him if he wanted me to stop texting him but he said no. Does he still have feelings for me, or does he just feel bad for me?
    Also I believe he has already moved on and is talking to another girl after not even a week, but why does he still text me? (Even though the conversations are boring sometimes and I feel I have to start up conversations but he will sometimes text me first) please help me understand what you think of this situation
    I hope he still has feelings for me because how can he get over us so fast and moved on? Is it a rebound relationship or has he just officially moved on that fast? I really want him back but he keeps making it seem like it will never happen in the future Please help!

  4. Chris Seiter

    Where are you failing?

    Lets see if we can help you.

  5. Feeling shocked

    Is saying something like “I can’t give you 100%, only 10% of the time” and that “if the stars align in the future maybe we could try again” the same thing? This was his reasoning (if its even a reason) for breaking up…is this just a cop out or was he never interested in the first place?

    It was a short long distance thing, that moved really quickly. He made every effort to see me when he was able to about once a month for 4 months only to say the above. What makes someone worth the effort one day and then not the next?

    I’ve been doing the no contact bit for 16 days…

  6. Chris Seiter

    What was the fight over?

    I like to know what I am dealing with here.

  7. gina

    Hi chris, I can’t break myself into NC. We both know we both need time, but I just can’t find it in myself to not contact him. Thing is, I have two jobs, many friends whom I’m in contact with regularly, and yet, I still want to contact this man. I don’t know why. I guess I’m pretty attached and I just can’t let myself let go. What do I do?

  8. Linda

    Hey Chris!
    I’m going to make this short. He and I broke up 3 times. The first two don’t really count since we got back together in 24hrs. However, a consistent issue we’ve had is constant fighting + my insecurities. I knew they were issues but he was always so patient so I never realize how much it was affecting him until now. I won’t give useless details as to what happened to make this as summarized as possible. I did every mistake possible. In a moderate amount. But I still made them. We broke up while we were in a fight. I tried to talk to him about getting back together and he said he had to think about it. We cried, we talked about our memories and I told him about how desperately I wanted to be with him. He told me I couldn’t just decide when I wanted to “try” & that he couldn’t just drop everything the moment I realize what I’m doing wrong. Of course he’s right. But I tried to show him that I was serious. I wrote him a letter and that didnt work either. After 1 month I asked him 1 more time, do you want me to move on? He nodded. And so I took my stuff and went home. I know I probably annoyed him to the point I lowered my chances. During our relationship he bought concert tickets for us. Due to our break up he decided to give them to me. After that last conversation I asked about the tickets and he would reply coldly, or not engage in the conversation. When he finally got the tickets, I went to get them at his house. He didn’t invite me in, he stepped outside and was being unbelievably cold. Long story short, he offered to drive me home because the buses weren’t passing and the whole car ride felt uncomfortable for him. Since then, I have been doing NC. I went on a trip and etc, it has been exactly 1 month since we have seen or spoken. I am feeling a little hopeless. Almost like he hates me. I don’t know if I should give up. I really dont want to but I am scared. I have been going to therapy ever since the break up to try and deal with my insecurities. I know I have gotten a lot better and I want him to see that. What should I do?

  9. Kaylee

    The cliché…the one that got away…
    Chris please help… I have had my share of terrible relationships. Never even getting a chance to go anywhere. I’m not sure what keeps going wrong. By friends tell me I’m too nice to the guys. They even make comments that: ” I wish my girlfriend/ wife would do that.” I mean come on, even my friends think I’m a catch! The guys were always “not ready” for a serious relationship. But I FINALLY found the guy for me. We got along great. Always laughing, smiling, joking, talking, etc. He had me come out to meet his friends, they said they loved me. He was engaged to a girl of 5yrs but she ended up ending things with him. So I think he could be hurt from that stills it was about 2yrs ago. Out of the blue he just said he had been thinking about us & thought we had strong chemistry but nothing else to offer. I’m crushed. It’s been over 6 weeks since it happened. I did the no contact & reached out by telling him about a martial arts class that I have been getting into b/c I know he is in the arts as well & figured it would be a good way to peak his interest. Alas.. Nothing. I waited a week then said something witty/funny about shooting off fireworks b/c I know he loves to do that. Again, nothing… I’m not sure what else to say to him. I really felt a connection with him. But he kept insisting during the breakup that he just had some gut-feeling. But he probably had a gut-feeling he was gonna marry that girl that he was engaged to, that’s why I think it’s such crap; an excuse. I’m not sure what to do. Should I try a 3rd time to reach out. We’re still FB friends & it doesn’t appear as though he’s wth anyone else. Please help, I really feel like he IS the ONE that got away. He had such a light & energy about him that just drew me in & I always thought he was falling for me as well. I’ve listened to your podcast & read your work. I’m trying to do all the steps & I’m failing horribly. Thank you for any help.

  10. Chris Seiter

    I think he is reeling from the loss of his father to be honest.

    I would go NC though.

  11. Hopeless

    Hi Chris.
    I’m in a bit of a situation. My boyfriends dad died a few months back. At first he wanted me around all the time, but it got to a point where I would want to see him and he was working 60 hours a week and dealing with all his dads stuff. He told me he couldn’t be a good boyfriend and that we should ‘just be friends for now’. It was difficult to accept, but we stopped seeing each other, still texting occasionally. I asked him a few times what was going on with us, which I shouldn’t have done. He kept saying things like, ‘I don’t have those feelings right now’, ‘it’s not that I don’t want it to work, I just don’t think it can’ etc. I thought we were going to be okay when I asked to meet up and he offered to take me for lunch, but I saw him at work and got upset. He was immediately defensive, telling his friends he didn’t want to see me. I went away for a week, he said to tell him I was there safe, we text a few times but I bought it up again. I told him we could rebuild something when we were both in better places. He said ‘maybe one day, but not right now.’ And I said I know not right now. The conversation ended up getting more in-depth, he eventually came out with all this stuff, and told me ‘my mind is made up, for now it won’t change.’ ‘For now’. He said I didn’t respect his feelings or anything he said, and told me to ‘move on from us’ and that he couldn’t see it repairing now. He also told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now. In a few hours, he’d gone from ‘not right now’ to ‘move on from us’. I found out that he’d started seeing someone from work about 4 days after this conversation. I haven’t asked him anything about this other girl. I’m at a complete loss. This was 3 weeks ago, I haven’t gone completely NC yet, he still talks to me but very cold, I always initiate. Any advice would be appreciated. Is it a hopeless situation?

  12. C

    Hi Chris, please please help me.

    My bf of nearly 3 years broke up with me a month ago. He and I go to the same university and are from the same hometown. This past semester I had been dealing with some depression and it caused me to be insecure and jealous. When summer came, I saw him once after spring semester ended before he was to leave for two months on a trip and summerseasion and we had a small fight and he said when he got back from his trip and from summer session we would work everything out and be okay. On his trip my depression got worse and I kept bugging him. We had two little scuffles but I didn’t think it was a big deal. One night he was telling me how much he missed me and loved me and all the things he got me from his trip and the next day we get into a scuffle and he breaks up with me… Over the phone. He wouldn’t even look me in the face over Skype of FaceTime and break up with me, and I begged him to just FaceTime me to just talk to me please. I became desperate, my depression made me so unhappy and I wasn’t being myself when he broke up with me, I chugged a bottle of wine and blacked out and realized the next day I tried to FaceTime him and call him again and again and again like an idiot. He told me he needed space and maybe somewhere down the road we could talk. Then ten days later (I tried NC but failed because of my guilt) I sent him a long apology letter and told him I want him to be happy and I understood why he broke up with me and respect it and even though I miss him and I didn’t want to be broken up I’m not going to beg for him back and I want him to do what makes him happy. This time he responded and said he cared, the break up was hard on him, but he doesn’t see us getting back together. I didn’t respond. I unfollowed him on Instagram and blocked him on snapchat, but he still follows me on Instagram and is my friend on Facebook. To make things even worse his entire family still interacts with me on Facebook… Like they don’t know he broke up with me maybe? It’s so difficult. It’s been about a month since I’ve spoken with him, and he’s back home now. Should I still try to contact him when NC is over or have I ruined our relationship with my depression and clinginess? I have been getting therapy and have been seeing people and talking with friends and trying to be happy. I feel much better. Should I even try at all or do you think he means what he says? Please respond…

  13. C

    Hi Chris, please please help me.

    My bf of nearly 3 years broke up with me a month ago. He and I go to the same university and are from the same hometown. This past semester I had been dealing with some depression and it caused me to be insecure and jealous. When summer came, I saw him once after spring semester ended before he was to leave for two months on a trip and summerseasion and we had a small fight and he said when he got back from his trip and from summer session we would work everything out and be okay. On his trip my depression got worse and I kept bugging him. We had two little scuffles but I didn’t think it was a big deal. One night he was telling me how much he missed me and loved me and all the things he got me from his trip and the next day we get into a scuffle and he breaks up with me… Over the phone. He wouldn’t even look me in the face over Skype of facetime and break up with me, and I begged him to just facetime me. I became desperate, my depression made me so unhappy, I chugged a bottle of wine and blacked out and realized the next day I tried to facetime him and call him again and again and again like an idiot. He told me he needed space and maybe somewhere down the road we could talk. Then ten days later (I tried NC but failed) I sent him a long apology letter and told him I want him to be happy and I understood why he broke up with me and respect it and even though I miss him I want him to do what makes him happy. This time he respondedd and said he cared, the break up was hard on him, but he doesn’t see us getting back together. I didn’t respond. I unfollowed him on Instagram and blocked him on snapchat, but he still follows me on Instagram and is my friend on Facebook. To make things even worse his entire family still interacts with me on Facebook… It’s so difficult. It’s been about a month since I’ve spoken with him, and he’s back home now. Should I still try to contact him when NC is over or have I tuined our relationship with my depression? I have been getting therapy and have been seeing people and talking with friends and trying to be happy. I feel much better. Should I even try at all or do you think he means ehat he says? Please respond…

  14. C

    Hi Chris, please please help me.

    My bf of bearly 3 years broke up with me a month ago. He and I go to the same University and are from the same hometown. This past semester I had been dealing with some depression and it caused me to be insecure and jealous. When Summer came, I saw him once after spring semester ended and we had a small fight and he said when he got back from his trip and from summer session we would work everything out and be okay. On his trip my depression got worse and I kept bugging him. We had two little scuffles but I didn’t think it was a big deal. One night he was telling me how much he missed me and loved me and all the things he got me from his trip and the next day we get into a scuffle and he breaks uo with me… Over the phone. I became desperate, my depression made me so unhappy, I chugged a bottle of wine and blacked out and realized the next day I tried to facetime him and call him again and again and again like an idiot. He told me he needed space and maybe somewhere down the road we could talk. Then ten days later (I tried NC but failed) I sent him a long apology letter and told him I want him to be happy and I understood why he broke up with me and respect it and even though I miss him I want him to do what makes him happy. This time he responded and said he cared, the break up was hard on him, but he doesn’t see us getting back together. I didn’t respond. I unfollowed him on Instagram and blocked him on snapchat, but he still follows me on Instagram and is my friend on Facebook. It’s been about a month since I’ve spoken with him, and he’s back home now. Should I still try to contact him when NC is over? Should I even try at all?

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