I met a guy a year ago and throughout the year we went on 6 dates. He made me feel really special and great but I wasn’t ready to commit and something inside me stopped me. First, I thought I was not attracted to him and we weren’t compatible so I called it off in July. He even waited 2 months for me to make a decision. But now I have started therapy and am understanding myself more. I have realized that I want to give us a chance and give it my all. I messaged him and initially he said he would be keen if it progressed but then he backed out when I mentioned I am not looking for just sex. I think there was miscommunication over text because he thinks I am damaged. I texted him following day letting him know that I will wait and he is worth the wait but he never replied. I fucked up so bad and I really want to give it all in because I saw a future with him and here I am now. What should I do?
In Love U, there’s an exercise called “Create Your Relationship Timeline,” in which I ask women to outline their previous patterns. Did you sleep with him on the first date? Did he become your boyfriend after two weeks? Did you stay with him for four years without a ring? From this process, patterns often emerge that are revealing.
You are entitled to feelings of confusion and ambivalence about a man.
There are – simply put – healthier ways to embark on a smooth, successful relationship than others. Let me ask you how this one sounds, Leah:
- 6 dates over the course of a year.
- You decided to stop the proceedings.
- You determined that you were missing not one but BOTH of the main things needed for a relationship: chemistry and compatibility.
- You left him hanging for two months without a decision (and he PUT UP with it!)
- Then, when you decided to reconsider, you handled it by text but botched the messaging.
- Somehow, this has given your guy the impression that you’re “damaged.”
I wouldn’t level such accusations but we can agree that, at the very least, you’re a little bit “confused,” which has resulted in a rocky courtship process he has finally withdrawn from.
What do you do now?
With him? Nothing. That ship has sailed.
You are entitled to feelings of confusion and ambivalence about a man. You are entitled to engage in therapy and practice personal growth. You are allowed to change your mind and reconsider your stance.
But that doesn’t mean a good man with self-esteem and options is entitled to sit and wait for you to figure your shit out, nor is he entitled to give you a second hearing.
As for what you do next? Learn from this experience and apply it going forward.
Quality, relationship-oriented guys don’t grow on trees, so the next time one expresses interest in you and makes you feel really special, try making him feel special, too.
You may discover it works a lot better than treating him like a safety school.
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