Name: Chat Lock.
Age: The Chat Lock feature on WhatsApp is new. Cheating, by contrast, has been going on since Venus was carrying on with Mars behind Vulcan’s back, and probably long before that.
A new WhatsApp feature? Exciting! What does it do? And what has it got to do with cheating? One at a time, please. The new feature means you can hide conversations.
How? You tap on a group or a one-to-one chat, then enter a password or a biometric, like a fingerprint, to lock it – it’s for your eyes only. The contents of that chat are also hidden in notifications.
And why? “We think this feature will be great for people who have reason to share their phones from time to time with a family member or those moments where someone else is holding your phone at the exact moment an extra-special chat arrives,” a WhatsApp blogpost explained.
Mmm, “extra-special chat”. What could that be about, I wonder? Is this more Elon interference, fooling around with his new toy? Wrong one. WhatsApp is owned by Meta – Mark Zuckerberg’s your man.
What’s he saying? So, Zuckerberg posted – on Facebook, obviously – about the new feature, with a helpful picture showing examples of “extra-special chats” you might want to lock.
And? One was labelled Fight Club.
As in the film with Brad Pitt? Exactly. You’ll remember the first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club.
And the others? Another chat in the image was labelled “secret sauce recipe”.
Oh! I think I’ve got it. So it’s like: on no account must my husband be able to read this one because it contains the puttanesca recipe that I’m going to surprise him with on his birthday … That’s the idea, yes. Unless we’re talking “secret sauce recipe”, if you know what I mean?
No, I don’t. What do you mean? Well, some people have suggested …
Which people, where? Facebook people, in reply to Zuckerberg. They’ve suggested that the new feature is designed for people who are having affairs. “Cheating has been upgraded,” said one. Another commented: “On behalf of CPA (cheating partners association) we commend the great work you are doing.”
A cuckold button, basically. That’s what they’re saying. And others have suggested it could be used more nefariously.
Such as? Well, I don’t know. To form a secret club, maybe? One that meets in the basement of a bar to hold fights. Just an idea …
Do say: “No, Vulcan, love, you can’t look at that one, it’s my secret sauce recipe.”
Don’t say: “Thanks, Mark. And now if you could add buttons for the seven deadly sins …”