You think you have a hard time staying on top of the news this week? Be glad you’re not the rightwing conspiracy-mongering underpants gnomes Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman! You may remember them from previous scams like their attempts to smear Robert Mueller and Pete Buttigieg with fake sexual assault claims, which were slightly weakened when the “accusers” either said they had been kidnapped by Wohl and Burkman and forced to allege the crimes, or just never showed up.
Wohl and Burkman have been so busy spreading bullshit this week that they appear to have forgotten to finish their previous scam. Last week, Burkman tweeted a very credible offer to pay a bounty of $50,000 cash to anyone who identified the whistleblower whose complaint led to Donald Trump’s impeachment, calling the whistleblower a “seditious leaker” for scrupulously complying with the law. Tuesday, the two held a press conference — as always, in Jack Burkman’s driveway, with interruptions from the frantic yapping of Burkman’s very lucky dachshund, Jack Jr. Nothing of substance happened at the presser, but it closed with a promise to reveal the name of the whistleblower within 24 hours. To the surprise of no one, Wednesday came and went without any such revelation, although Wohl did at least post a gripe on instagram about the kids these days watching movies with subtitles.
As you’d expect from smart investigators who couldn’t follow through on yet another sensational claim, the dynamic dipshits promptly changed the subject. Jack Burkman tweeted out a very serious MEDIA ALERT, announcing an entirely NEW scandal. Namely they claim they’ve found a 24-year-old Marine who’s been having a long-term affair with Sen. Elizabeth Warren.
We swear we are not making this up. Though they most certainly are.
Here’s Burkman’s breathless announcement:
Yes, a decorated former Marine and bodybuilder. We’re not certain whether that actually means he’s a former bodybuilder, but if a decidedly unmuscular schlub comes down Burkman’s front steps to the lectern next to the garage, they’re covered. We’ll definitely keep an eye on whatever wackaloon circus they stage, but we’re entirely ready for Wohl and Burkman to announce their studly informant is unable to appear because he’s in hiding from Elizabeth Warren’s hit squads. She borrowed them from Hillary Clinton.
The entirely credible MEDIA ALERT was at least good for some fun on Twitter, which is really all Wohl and Burkman have going for them anymore. More than one observer said that if Elizabeth Warren has been boinking a hot side piece on the regular since May, she probably ought to publicize that.
You know, if Warren has even been in Massachusetts more than twice since May. We shouldn’t be so skeptical, we know, since it’s a LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP with a hot Marine sex worker and all.
“Rick and Morty” writer Siobhan Thompson pointed out that a really savvy Washington operator might be able to find a very practical use for Wohl’s unstoppable trash factory:
We’ll definitely keep you updated. We figure there’s at least a 50-50 chance Burkman will remember to zip up his fly this time.
We’re also looking forward for Elizabeth Warren’s plan to help young ex-Marine bodybuilders find their way out of sex work. Or perhaps to provide a hot young side piece to all women over 65, to be paid for through her Eat The Rich tax.[WaPo / Newsweek / Right Wing Watch]
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