Let’s Find Out If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Playing Mind Games

Your confused about your ex boyfriend, huh?

I just want you to know that after a breakup this is completely normal.

No seriously…

As human beings we have this innate need to understand the opposite sex and since I am a member of the opposite sex (man) I feel I can accurately shed some light on my speices’ thoughts and actions.

Today we are going to be looking at one specific thing though.

Mind games.

Ok, I am going to throw out a hypothetical situation and I am going to use that hypothetical situation to explain how this article can help you.

Lets pretend that your ex boyfriend is playing mind games with you.

What exactly is a mind game?

Well, I will teach you that later but lets just assume that he is leading you on and making you think that he wants you back when he really doesn’t.

Ouch, right?

This can be especially painful if you actually do want him back.

So, here is how this article can help you if you find yourself in this “hypothetical situation.”

Obviously the burning question you are left wondering about is whether or not your ex boyfriend is playing a mind game with you just for the fun of it.

Well, this article will help you determine that but it’s not going to just stop there.

Nope, it is also going to teach you,

  • What a mind game is
  • Why an ex would play a mind games
  • What to do if your ex is playing mind games

In other words, I guess what I am saying is that I am attempting to write the most comprehensive article/guide on exes and mind games in the world.

Let’s get this party started!

What Is A “Mind Game?”

Have you ever looked up the definition of a mind game before?

Did you even know there was a definition?

Well, I took the liberty of looking up the definition for you.

Mind Game- a series of deliberate actions or responses planned for psychological effect on another, typically for amusement or competitive advantage.

Lets take a moment to dissect this definition.

Mind Game- a series of deliberate actions or responses planned for psychological effect on another, typically for amusement or competitive advantage.

If a mind game is a series of DELIBERATE actions or responses that tells us that if an ex boyfriend is using mind games on you he is doing so on purpose.

In other words, any time he plays a mind game with you he is meaning to do it.


Well, I am going to go really in-depth into why a little bit later but for those of you who are very impatient you can turn to the second part of the definition.

Mind Game- a series of deliberate actions or responses planned for psychological effect on another, typically for amusement or competitive advantage.

This tells us that if an ex is playing mind games with you that he is doing it for his own amusement (which you will learn later is partly true) but he could also be doing it for a competitive advantage.

What do you think that means?

What competitive advantage would he need over you?

There are two ways to look at this.

The first way is the theory that someone always wins the breakup.

Are you aware of this theory?

Well, the premise of the theory goes like this.

When a couple breaks up there is always a winner and a loser.

  • The Winner = The man or woman who is happier/has a better life in the form of a big career change, a new person they date, etc
  • The Loser = The person who is depressed, gains a lot of weight and thinks their entire life is over.

By playing mind games with you your ex boyfriend could be thinking that he can get a competitive advantage over you if he gets you to fall for him again. In other words, he will declare himself “the winner.”

I know its a weird way of thinking but men are kind of weird like that sometimes.

So, that’s one way of looking at the competitive advantage.

The other way is far more interesting.

By playing mind games with you your ex boyfriend could be subconsciously trying to find a way to get back together with you.

You remember what your mother told you about boys when you were a child, right?

If they pick on you then it must mean they like you.

The same principle applies here with mind games.

You can almost look at it like a weird way of your ex boyfriend telling you that he still likes you.

You know what…

Before I go on any further lets just move on to the next section because the next section covers this in a really in-depth manner and I am having too much fun talking about the “why” behind mind games.

Why Your Ex Boyfriend Would Play Mind Games

There is one word I want you to get very familiar with.

What’s the word?


Mind games, ex boyfriends and control go hand in hand.

Think about this for a second.

Right now you and your ex boyfriend are broken up. That means that your ex boyfriend has absolutely no control over the situation. So, what does he do to try to get control back?

He plays mind games!

So, what I have done below is compile a list of all the conceivable reasons I can think of that will cause an ex boyfriend to play mind games.

But before I get to that list there is something I need to make you aware of.

Not All Mind Games Are Created Equal

Lets take a trip into fantasy world and pretend that two very attractive men have just broken up with you.

Both of these men are playing mind games on you but the intent behind the mind games are very different.

Man A in his heart wants you back but he isn’t going to invest time into trying to get you back unless he knows you feel the same about him. So what does he do? He gives you mixed signals on purpose to test your interest (a form of a mind game.)

Man B on the other hand has more devious plans for you.

What are the devious plans?

He wants sex…

So, he decides that the best way to get it is to play a mind game with you to fake you into believing that he is interested in a long term relationship with you when the truth is that he is much more interested in a friends with benefits situation.

You see the difference behind the intent of the mind games here.

Man A wants a long term relationship with you but isn’t sure you feel the same about him so he plays mind games to figure out the answer.

Man B just wants to “do” you and doesn’t care whether or not the two of you have a long term relationship.

Above I mentioned that I am going to be listing all the reasons I can think of for why an ex may play a mind game with you. Well, in addition to that I am going to be touching on the intent of the mind game.

For example, if I believe the intent behind the mind games has ties to him wanting to be back together with you I will label that reason as “GOOD.”

But if I suspect that the intent behind the mind game is for his own selfish reasons then I will label that reason as “BAD.”

Lets get started!

Reason #1: He Wants You Back

There are some exes out there that will play mind games with you because at their heart they want you back.

Look, here is all you need to know about men.

We don’t like to spend all of our time tracking down an impossible goal.

What do I mean by that?

How many men do you see outside trying to fly around like Superman?

Not many…

Instead, my species is more interested in going after the goals that they know they can achieve which is where the mind games come in.

After a breakup most men think getting back with an ex is impossible. So, they look for a shred of hope anywhere they can find it before deciding to fully commit themselves to getting a woman back. Playing mind games with a woman is an excellent way to do this.


With a mind game you are trying to illicit a certain type of reaction.

Based on this reaction you can learn a few things.

Lets pretend that an ex boyfriend starts using mixed signals on you.

He makes you believe one thing and then when the time comes for him to step up and cement your belief he doesn’t do it.

Instead, he sits back and watches your reaction.

If you react very angrily then he will know that you really care about him and that you want your relationship with him to work out.

If you don’t react angrily then he will assume that you don’t care about your relationship with him.

All in all, if he is using a mind game because he wants you back then he is going to be studying how you react to certain things.

The Intent Verdict = GOOD

You are here because you want your ex boyfriend back, right?

Well, if he is using mind games for this reason then that is a very good sign.

Reason #2: To Feed His Ego

You remember what I said about control above, right?

Well, this reason ties directly into that.

Ok, hypothetical situation.

Your ex boyfriend starts playing mind games with you and you fall for them hook, line and sinker.

You start daydreaming about a happy life together with a white picket fence, long walks on the beach and a dozen little kids running around.

Your ex on the other hand has a more devious plan in his mind.

He decides that he wants to use you for his own emotional needs.

You see, he likes having you by his side because it gives him a sense of power and control.

He likes seeing you fawn after him because it makes him feel wanted and it makes him feel in control.

Oh, and lets not forget the fact that he likes having you around to listen to his problems because it makes him feel better and, yup, you guessed it, it makes him feel in control.

Are you seeing a trend here?

Breakups do a very weird thing to men. You see, throughout a relationship men like to feel a sense of control and when a breakup occurs they lose that control. So, in an effort to get it back they play mind games to manipulate women into meeting their emotional needs.

Oh, and if you don’t think that men do this I would like to tell you a little story.

This is the story of Rick.

Rick (not his real name) is a friend of mine who told me a story so chilling that it made me question my own species for a little bit.

So, Rick had this girlfriend and he loved her very much and for the most part their relationship was pretty nice. Of course, there was one little problem. Rick loved his girlfriend a little too much so in his mind he decided that the best way to feel safer in the relationship was to control everything she did.

Oh, and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING.

Who she saw…

Where she went…

What she did…

Now, do you think Rick’s girlfriend took kindly to being controlled?

Absolutely not.

In fact, Rick became so controlling that his girlfriend decided to break up with him.

So, here you have Rick a man who for his entire relationship with his girlfriend had full control over everything suddenly losing that control.

He was devastated.

So, like all manipulative b#$tards out there Rick devised a plan to get his girlfriend back through mind games.

He would make her believe that he had turned over a new leaf when the truth was that he hadn’t. He painted this picture for her of a perfect life together and like most women who are in a vulnerable state she fell for it.

Rick got control back.

He felt safe again.

But perhaps most frightening was the fact that he developed a god complex.

“If I can get her back after this then I can get away with anything.”

All in all, by successfully using mind games on his ex Rick had fed his ego so much that he thought he was some sort of god.

So, what’s the verdict here?

If an ex plays mind games for this reason is it a good sign or a bad sign?

The Intent Verdict = BAD

Look, there are mind games with good intent and mind games with bad intent.

No matter which way you slice it this is not a mind game with good intent.

Reason #3: To Get Sex

I am going to get personal here for a minute.

Ok, maybe not “that personal” but I am going to tell you a funny story from my past.

When I was 15 years old and pimply faced (totally was) I’ll admit that I thought about sex a lot.

I mean, I had never kissed a girl or hugged a girl (outside of my mother) for that matter. So, the idea of having sex with a member of the opposite sex seemed like a stretch.

And what have I taught you about men?

They want what they don’t have, right?

Well, I definitely didn’t have sex and as a result like all pimply faced teenaged boys I wanted it.

(Side Note: Totally wish I had met my wife in High School but perhaps it’s best I didn’t because I don’t think I would have had a chance with her then.)

Anyways, I digress…

With that “want” came a certain amount of embarrassment.

Why was I embarrassed?

Because I literally thought that I thought about sex way too much and that there was something wrong with me.

That was until I met my friend… lets just call him “Fly.”

He verbalized everything I had ever thought about sex and made no apologies about it.

If I was an 8 on the “I want to have sex” scale then he was definitely a 10.

This was interesting to me because it was a weird way of the universe telling me that I wasn’t the only man in the world who wanted sex.

Turns out that as I have gotten older and met more and more members of my species this universal truth hasn’t changed.

In fact, some men want sex so bad that they will be willing to do anything to get it. That’s where the mind games come into play.

I am just telling you this right now so you hear it from me.


They will tell you what you want to hear…

Buy you want you want to have…

Go above and beyond for you…

Just for that one feeling of being inside you.

So, if you are sitting there wondering if your ex would use a mind game to get sex from you. Well, all I will say is this. He is absolutely capable of it.

The Intent Verdict = BAD

Come on…

How is this even a question?

Common Mind Games An Ex Boyfriend Will Play On You

Now that you have a deeper understanding of why an ex boyfriend would play mind games with you lets turn our attention to the type of mind games he might play.

I think it goes without saying that there are thousands of mind games that an ex could potentially play on you if he wanted. So, in an effort to make this comprehensive yet readable I am just going to list out the most common type of mind games I am seeing out there.

Sound good?

Ok, lets get started.

Mind Game #1: Conversation Ghosting

Have you heard of this phenomenon of “ghosting” before?

Apparently it is making the rounds across social media and becoming very popular with every passing day.

Ghosting basically describes a breakup phenomenon.

Typically when you break up with someone you take them to a nice park bench, sit down and calmly explain to them that you don’t want the relationship to continue.

Ghosting is a lot meaner than that.

It’s essentially a permanent NC rule that starts while you are in the relationship with someone. It serves as the ultimate way of breaking up with someone.

Let me give you an example.

Rebecca and Dave are a really cute couple but after a few years together Dave isn’t really feeling it anymore. Internally he comes to a decision that he is going to break up with Rebecca but he is a little scared to have the breakup talk with her. So, he decides to do ghosting instead. In other words, he just stops responding to her text messages, phone calls or pleas to meet up and talk about things in person. The idea behind ghosting is that the person who is being ghosted will get the hint and realize that things are over.

So, that’s ghosting.

BUT that is not what I am going to be talking about with regards to mind games.

When it comes to ghosting and mind games with an ex there is a specific tactic that I am seeing more and more ex boyfriends use on their ex girlfriends.

I like to call this tactic “conversation ghosting.”

What Is Conversation Ghosting?

Imagine that you and your ex boyfriend at having an amazing texting conversation.

Just pretend that the texts go on and on like this for a good hour.

Anyways, when the conversation ends your ex doesn’t respond to your messages or doesn’t make any attempt to reach out on his own for the next week or so.

“What the heck is going on? Did I do something wrong?” you think to yourself.

Your ex has successfully ghosted himself out of having conversations with you.

So, what is going on here?

What is going through his mind?

Well, if he is using conversation ghosting as a mind game then he is watching you very carefully to see how you react. He is trying to guage how much you are into him.

That’s fine… we can work with that.

What I would like to do now is teach you what to do if your ex is using this mind game on you.

What To Do If Your Ex Uses Conversation Ghosting On You

If you have determined that your ex has used conversation ghosting on you then you have one task.

The Task = Getting Your Ex To Respond To You

Off the top of my head there are a million ways to accomplish this task but I certainly don’t have the time or patience to list a million ways out for you so I am going to give you my best way. Lets think about the context here for a moment.

You and your ex have had amazing conversations through text messages very recently and then all of a sudden he drops off the face of the earth.

If he is indeed playing a mind game then we know that at this moment he is sitting on the sidelines waiting to see how you react.

So, we are going to give him a reaction.

And this reaction is going to make him forget all his silly little mind games and respond to you right away.

I would like to introduce you to a little something I like to call, the “I have a confession…” text.

The way this text works is rather simple.

You send this text message to your ex and then the idea of you having a confession to make to them is to enticing for them to sit on the sidelines and keep playing the ghosting mind game.

Ah, but here is where things get interesting.

What do you do if he responds?

What should the confession be?

Well, you don’t want it to be anything that damages the progress you are making with him. Instead, you want your confession to be positive.


How about something like this.

Do you see how something scary like a confession can turn into a positive thing if you tie it in the right way?

Once you get your ex to respond to this text then you then you are free to continue the conversation because you broke his mind game!

Lets look at another popular mind game I am seeing men use on women.

Mind Game #2: Never Texting First… EVER

This is a fun little game that men like to play.

But before I get into that I need to talk a little bit about the “unwritten rules of texting.”

You see, when it comes to texting in general there are a few unwritten rules at play. Arguably at the top of that list is the idea that whoever texts the other person first loses ground. In other words, the party that expresses the most interest in the other person up front loses “the game.”

It’s weird when you think about it, isn’t it?

I mean, when it comes to relationships the game should be about communication but instead it’s all about who likes who the most up front and whoever likes the other person the most tends to be the chaser (which is ironically what you want men to do to you.)

Anyways, now that you have an idea of one of the “unwritten rules of texting” lets turn our attention to how it comes into play during a break up.

I think the best way to illustrate what I am about to teach you is to tell you a little story about how I (a man) reacted after a breakup.

During my first ever break up with a member of the opposite species I handled things a bit… immaturely.

The immediate thing that comes to mind is the idea that I was not going to talk to her at all until she texted me first.



I wanted to make her feel as bad as I was feeling.

So, for the next week or so I was determined not to text her first and sure enough by the end of that week she ended up texting me.

My point in telling you this story is to explain that after a breakup it is highly likely that your ex boyfriend could be thinking to himself,

“I am going to make her text me first.”

Now, having the discipline to actually not text your ex first is challenging for most of the men out there.

Not Texting First Even When You Reach Out First

Hypothetical situation.

Lets pretend that you and your ex went through a breakup about a week ago and your boyfriend is determined to not be the one to text you first.

Now, lets say that you disregard my advice on the no contact rule found in my Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO System. Instead you decide to reach out to him first and to your surprise you have a decent conversation with him.

So, this trend continues for the next month or so and you continually notice that you are the one that always has to text him first.

In this hypothetical situation your ex has made a conscious decision to talk to you but only under the pretense that you text him first.

You will find that this is actually quite common with exes.


My theory revolves around my own experience (because I actually did do this to my ex.)

When I said to myself,

“I am going to make her text first”

What I was really thinking on a deeper level was I know this is going to annoy her and I want revenge for the way I am feeling right now.

In other words, the purpose of this mind game is to get back at you for the way your ex feels right now.

But what are you supposed to do if your ex is playing this mind game on you?

How do you right the ship?

What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Will NEVER Text You First

Ok, before I start teaching you anything I do have a little bit of a disclaimer to throw out there.

In order for what I am about to say to fully work you need to accept the fact that your ex is probably not going to text you first for a little while but that doesn’t mean you can’t make progress with regards to getting him back.

Are you aware of the idea of a 50/50 split?

In short, it’s this idea that when you and your ex text you will send 50% of the text messages and he will send 50% of the text messages. Well, this idea of a 50/50 split applies to who texts who first as well.

In other words, in a perfect world you will start conversations 50% of the time and he will start conversations 50% of the time.

Now, here is my question to you.

Do we live in a perfect world?


Thus, having the ability to achieve a 50/50 split when it comes to conversation starters is often very challenging.

Does that mean it can’t be done?

I didn’t say that.

In fact, it is very possible to take an ex who thinks to himself,

“I am not texting her first.”

And eventually get him to throw his internal rules out the window.

But how do we go about doing that?

How can we achieve at least a 50/50 split when it comes to starting conversations?

Like anything there are a few factors at play here.

I am going to take a moment to go over those now.

Factor #1- YOUR Ability To Do No Contact

The no contact rule is probably the most popular strategy for getting an ex back and there is a reason why.

It lets time go by without any contact with your ex… a lot of time.

I already explained that your exes motivation for making a pact with himself that he won’t text you first revolves around revenge for the way he is feeling. Well, he isn’t going to get his revenge if you don’t actually contact him at all.

The no contact rule, especially after a breakup, is perfect for expediting the process of him throwing his pact out the window.

Factor #2- The Quality Of Your Conversations

Person A and Person B dated Person C.

After their breakups with Person C, Person A and B never received a text from Person C to start a conversation. Instead, it was left up to them to start the conversations.

When Person A started a conversation with Person C the conversation they had was amazing and left Person C with a really good aftertaste.

When Person B started a conversation with Person C the conversation they had was horrible. It fell flat in every imaginable way and left Person C with a bad aftertaste.

Now let me ask you something.

If Person C was going to start a conversation first which person do you think they would be more likely to start it with?

A or B?

Person A of course!

Whether you like it or not the quality of conversations that you have with your ex often has a direct correlation to having them text you first.

Mind Game #3: He Talks About Other Women

This fun little mind game is one that an ex boyfriend can play either through text messages, on the phone or in person.

What’s the mind game?

Talking about other women in front of you.

Or more specifically, talking about what he would like to do to other women while he is in your presence.


Perhaps I should give this one a hypothetical situation to illustrate my point.

Ok, lets say that you and your ex boyfriend have just started talking again and things seem to be going pretty well for the two of you. You think to yourself,

“Wow, I think a reconciliation is possible.”

In other words, you really feel you have a great chance of pulling this off. That is until he starts talking about other women.

It just so happens that the two of you are out for a cup of coffee when a very beautiful woman walks by your table and you catch him staring at her as she walks by. Picture this,

What he says next after he sees the woman is a shock even to you.

“Mmm… you don’t want to know what I’d do to her if we were alone in a room together.”

So, is this a mind game or is this just an ex boyfriend feeling super comfortable enough to share the inner workings of his brain with you?

Well, I can’t speak for your ex but I can speak for myself and I can tell you that any time I have ever done something remotely close to this it has been a weird form of a mind game.


Because I know how jealousy works.

Lets do something unheard of and take a look at things from your exes perspective.

The universal truth about all men is the fact that we love to feel wanted by members of the opposite sex. This innate need to feel wanted can make us do some pretty strange things like talk about other women in an effort to make other women jealous and react in a way that will make us feel wanted.

And therein lies the “why” of this mind game.

It’s a ploy to make you jealous and ultimately make you react in a way that will a man feel wanted.

Now, what do you do if this happens to you?

What To Do If Your Ex Starts Talking About Other Women To Make You Jealous

What’s your first reaction when an ex starts talking about “pounding another woman?”

It’s to get in a fight with him isn’t it?

What’s your second reaction?

To get revenge on him probably.

Neither one of these is a good idea.

If you get in a fight with him over his behavior you will essentially be letting him know that what he is doing is bothering you and ultimately feed his ego.

As for the revenge…

Wouldn’t it be great that after his comment about “doing another woman” while the two of you are together if you could get revenge on him by giving him a taste of his own medicine?

“Oh ya? Another girl, huh? Well, you see that guy over there? Yup, I would totally love to be on top of him.”

This is not a good idea for a number of reasons but at the top of that list is the fact that it is going to create a situation where your ex is going to think it’s ok to continually have these chats about other women with you.

Why would he feel that way?

Easy, because in his mind if you are saying it back to him he isn’t going to be hurt he is going to think that you have moved on and don’t mind his dirty thoughts about other women.

The last thing you want is to hear about his conquests every single day.

So, what do you do?

You are going to play a few mind games of your own.

What I would like you to do is to take a look at my article on seduction. We are going to give him a few mixed signals and make him believe that you are still into him and then you are just going to fall off the map for a bit.

You get him all excited about the idea of potentially “hooking up” and you leave him stranded.

Rinse and repeat.

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15 thoughts on “Let’s Find Out If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Playing Mind Games

  1. Chris Seiter

    Whats your email. I will send you the file right now since I have fallen behind on a lot of stuff and won’t be able to publish it for another week.

  2. Chris Seiter

    Might have been too soon for that BUT the fact that the conversation continued is positive.

  3. Chris Seiter

    It means he has a nasty habit that he needs to quit…

    Umm… in all seriousness I think it means he is trying to be cool.

  4. Hallie

    My ex and I dated for four years, through high school and our first two years of college. We ended up going to different schools which was hard for both of us. We broke up about a year ago. He broke up with me out of the blue and never explained the reason. We didn’t talk much over the summer but when I went back to school he started texting me seeing how everything in my life was going. This made us start communicating much more through out the semester. When we were home for Thanksgiving break we got together twice to catch up. He ended up telling me that he misses me and thinks about me everyday and that he thinks he made the wrong decision but he can’t go back on his word because basically his friends influenced the break up and he had taken a public stance. He told me that he was partying really hard to the point of blacking out because it was the only way he wouldn’t think about me. He also said it still feels like we’re dating but he knows we’re not. We went back to school and I started to not hear from him as much but we were still communicating quite a bit. We came home from winter break and I heard from a friend he said he needed to stop talking to me. We ended up having a brief reconciliation over winter break. He told me his feelings for me hadn’t changed and he didn’t know what to do but if we were in the same city there would be no doubt that we would definitely still together. He kept apologizing saying he’s sorry he hurt me and it was all his fault. He said he didn’t know what the future held but maybe one day we’ll get back together. After winter break when he went back to school and with his friends I would barely hear from him. I tried to still talk to him but I heard some bad things he was saying about me so I called him out via text. I think he knew he was in the wrong and he never responded. We didn’t speak to each other for five months and end that time frame he deleted me from Facebook but then tried to get snoop around a little talking to my family, not about me but in general. After not speaking I texted him in May for his birthday. It took him about a week to respond because I heard he was upset that I had blocked him from Facebook after he deleted me. We’ve been communicating off and on all summer but have not seen each other. We’re both home so I was hoping to catch up with him. We were talking and he was talking about how his health is poor so I made a joke about getting together before he dies. He suggested we go get ice cream but never set up a date to actually go. A week later after not hearing from him I asked what his week looked like to get ice cream. He hasn’t answered at all and it’s been about a week. I’m so confused because getting ice cream was his idea! My friends thinks he’s trying to keep me around for when he’s ready to settle down or something.

    Could you give me some insight or your thoughts on my situation?

  5. michelle

    I have a question..i was with my long distance bf for two years..and i broke it off during a time of emotional turmoil..my father passing away. We actually havent spoken for 7 months and he recently contacted me just to ask about my Summer. I didnt contact him because i felt he may be seeing somebody..and i felt foolish for the break up..as well as being stubborn. Anyway recentlyI made a mistake i feel by telling him i missed him..because i want him back! He has disappeared again and i do not know what to do next..did i scare him or? I dont know why he contacted me if he doesnt miss me?

  6. AJ

    Hi Chris,

    Is the podcast coming, i’ve been coming on the site every day but haven’t spotted it yet. If you can let me know when it is up or if it’s up already that would be great. I really need some advice for my situation.

    Thank you

  7. Melissa

    Hey Chris! So let me just start out by saying your advice is great and this website is amazing! Truly has helped me! So anyways my ex and I broke up, obviously why I’m on this site, but for the second time. He broke up with me both times. First time I was devastated and believe it or not your NC rule really works and he ended up begging for me back. Well I gave him a second chance since I clearly still had a lot of feelings for him and everything was great! Better than before even! But then he started acting the same and I saw it coming. He said it was not good timing and he thinks we should take a “break.” Well ya know at first I was kind of upset but not as much because I saw it coming and I decided to keep myself busy and I was fine. Perfectly fine and happy actually! I thought I had moved on. Well now I don’t know. He said that he misses me and even has asked me to “hangout” a few times. He told me he was going through a rough time and he got fired. So this leads me to think he just wants me there for moral support which I’m okay with I guess we ended quite civil and I don’t have any hard feelings against him. I don’t really have any good reason to go out with him again though especially when I had already given him a second chance. But he’s flirting and playing mind games and I don’t know what to do. The more I think about the more I second guess myself. I don’t think he knows what he wants and neither do I. Do I miss him? Maybe. I miss how we used to talk and go places together. Also miss the physical part. A lot. His mind games are messing with my head and I’m so lost.

  8. Cris

    Hi Chris,

    I know my ex is not seeing anyone besides me, and hasn’t for the last four years we broke up.
    He used to talk to me and agree to see me a lot less (like seeing eachother every two-three months) but everytime I was determined to make it or break it because of him not calling or seeming to not care about us, something happened and I needed him (like, having my phone stolen and he helped me find a better model; having my mp3 soaking wet in a storm and he offered to take a look at it – it solved by itself in rice, but I could still call my ex “my hero”).

    Recently, like since Christmas (when he came to pick me up from home since it was a blizzard and he knew I wanted to wash my hair before leaving home), each tiem after we schedule a date (monthly or every two months), the days until the actual date he’s really eager to talk to me like a real boyfriend. He picks up the phone faster and is willing to just be there up to the point I’ve nothing to talk about. I’m embaressed for not having a lot of themes to talk about, but I don’t want to complain to him too much about my health issues (I have MS and a blog educating people in my country about autoimmune diseases), or about my PhD frustrations, and you can imagine these are the things that take up a lot of my free time.

    Anyway, he’s responded MOSTLY positive to a lot of invitations to movies and outing. [He still gets cold feet when it comes to spending a night over to my place, and he just leaves me, both of us crying – but it’s okay for me to stay over his place].

    How should I play my chance to invite him to a vacation? It’s really cheap and I can afford it for both of us. I know he’d like the location and hotel.

    And my hopes are really up, since this weekend (I didn’t talk to him in the last two weeks, since I was abroad) he came with me to a movie he said (loudly screamed) he hates and would never watch (but enjoyed afterall), and afterwards hugged me all night without me asking and whimping for it (hadn’t done that since broke up & hook up again), I got to jokeishly imply that kids with him sound nice, without him going all “NO!”, and he said that we’re too young to get married (our parents were in their 30s and 40s when they got married and had us).

    But when we broke up, we were supposed to go on vacation and I kinda stud him up big time (his mother probably hates me to the point of dancing on my grave).

    I can use my best friend (she encourages me to do so) as an intro to why I know about this location, as she wants to get on vacation with her ex – don’t ask, and she has like no more vacation days from her work to come with me also.

    So I really need advice.
    I have 3 weeks to lure him in, so I can try to slowly make him fall in a “trap”. But I know any wrong move would out me from his mind. I know direct talk would make him shut down and ignore me.

    Is it wise to try to ask him to go with me in replacement of my bff?
    How should I put it so he doesn’t feel offended, or (worse) feels the same pain as when I hurt him years ago?

  9. Brittany

    Hi Chris,

    I know you have thousands of people needing your help and advice so I know I’m no different from the others. So here goes, my ex and I “broke up” about a year ago. And I put that in quotes because he never “officially” broke up with me. He just stopped talking to me and moved on with his life. To this day I still don’t know what happened or why the broke up even occurred. He got a girlfriend pretty quickly and yes they are still together. I have an old Facebook page I logged on to last night and found he had sent me a message “can we talk please, ……, I guess your too good to talk to me” the comma separate different messages he sent within a hour. I blocked him on my main Facebook profile. So I don’t check the other one often. He sent those messages a month ago. I did reply “yeah, what about” and I’m just waiting on a response. So another thing that happened was my best friend added him on Facebook and he accepted her request. They started talking and she asked how he was, he was saying he was better than ever and he was happy. He also made a remark if you still talk to Brittany, ask her if she wants our pictures before he deleted them. So my friend and I figured that this all happened a week and half later when he sent me those messages on Facebook. So I’m not sure what to think? And that conversation happened about three weeks ago.
    I found your website last August and back then I read so many articles to get hm back and now I’m not sure if I do want him back. My heart still hurts. I want him and I miss him but I feel so betrayed! He has reverted to using drugs again with this new girl. In the beginning he wanted me so bad and throughout our relationship he always tried. We fought a lot though. I tried to change him. I wanted the best for him. I wanted him to make something of himself and for us to be happy. I’m pretty sure he resents me. We loved each other very much! I was insecure in the relationship. Which makes me mad! I don’t know where to go from here. I do want to move on and stop hurting. And another part of me wants him to love me again. Any advice? I know this comment is all over the place. I’m sorry!

  10. Chloe

    Hi Chris,
    My ex and I broke up almost three months ago. I did NC for 30 days. We re-established contact and saw each other the other day. It was going very well and seemed like reconciliation was a real possibility. We did end up sleeping together, but he made it very clear that he did not want to lead me on and I knew it was just sex. I didn’t expect any more from that. We then had a very mature talk about everything the next day and he said he does not see us getting back together for at least another two years. And even then he does not want me to wait around because he can’t guarantee it. He said we get along so well, there’s just a lot of negativity that’s blocking us, but he still wants us to be close friends. What do you think I should do? Is this a lost cause?

    Thanks for your time,

  11. kim

    dear chris, my problem is very confusing. it will prob be long and im going to say sorry before hand. but im 44yrs old and have been with 3 men. the first was for 24yrs, the second 3months and the third a year and a half. the third guy we were just plain friends for 6 months. met him on the same site as the second guy and i was on break but since he read my profile and asked me if i was still on break etc, i replyed back to him and we were just friends. we talked about everything. i was even trying to help him get back with his ex wife but he told me loved her but wasnt in love with her anymore. but i knew he was full of it when he called me one day and was telling me what had happened and i knew then he was still in love with her even though he said he wasnt. but he never did any thing that i told him he should try to do to see if she would want him back. well around the six months things changed between us, lets just say he did something that most wouldnt forgive but i did because i thought he was truly sorry. then we ended up being together for the next year, yes we had our ups and downs but honestly it wasnt me it was him that would say stupid or do stupid things. i would say i might sneek over here one night and surprise you. he said, i dont think you would want to do that because you might not like what you see. i was like what, he said well my ex might be here. i was like ok, whatever. i will say he was the one that called me all the time and texted. i will admit that i am what you call a text from hell because they are always long. but that is me. one time i asked him if he loved me because i didnt know, and he said, i cant even look at you and tell you. that is when he turned completely around with his face turned the other way and said no im not in love with you. then looks back at me. i dont have any idea why he couldnt look at me and tell me but he couldnt, but he was the one that always looked into my eyes for everything and i mean everything. then later into the relationship he told me he was addicted to me, he said he tried to fight it but no matter what he did it won…. i said you know that an addiction isnt a good thing. but i really dont know what he meant by that either, was he really addicted to me or was that a way for him to say that he did love me. have no clue… then he has even said he loved me. so he had my mind all confused. dont know if he was doing it on purpose or what. i will say that he was there for me alot. in all ways. i really thought of him as my best friend. and yes i do love him, but didnt know i was in love with him until later, but it was when i told him for some reason i felt safe with him and trusted him. and after that is when he did what he did. but anyhow he would also do the push and pull also. he would come to my apartmen but i just started going to his house on the weekends because he worked till midnight and it was just easier for me to go there and get to stay till mon afternoon. but the weekend before i broke up with him he said he would like me to leave on sun because he had things to do monday. i tried to explain why i wanted to stay but i couldnt get a word in edge wise and he was being a butt…. but when friday came i went ahead and went over and we had an argument and i was going to leave and he started to cry but this wasnt the first time that he has cried. but i stayed and held him but when i ask do you care if i go a head and stay and i will leave when i get up, because it was like 9:30 pm. then he said dont you think it would be best if you just went ahead and went home. in my head i was like wtf but i didnt say anything and got my stuff together and left but texted him and said it was pretty sad that he didnt even come after me and he said he watched me leave from the window. i was like really, what ever….. so tue he texts me and tells me he would like me to come over and spend the week, i was like what in the heck do you mean. i just told him i didnt know what i was doing because he had me so confused because he didnt want me there monday but wanted me to come tue night. but he asked again but i wasnt able to go over until wed night. i my self couldnt understand why he would want me there all week when he didnt want me there that monday. but each day was different. i was going to leave friday before he got home from work because of something but he begged me to stay so we could talk. so i did, but no talking was really done. then he asked me to stay till tuesday so i did but i should have went home because of what happened that morning. im not going to get into detail but it was very bad and what he said he would do to me was scary so i told him i was done and started getting my stuff together to leave. he started crying and said he was sorry and please forgive him, he said he dont know why he says the things he says and just kept saying he was sorry. i told him i have already forgiven him for so much but this i couldnt because i saw his face when he said it and left. but i needed to get some truth so i went to talk to his ex. she said she wouldnt say anything to him but she did text him and told him not so nice words. but that wasnt my intentions at all. i just needed the truth about something and she had the truth. well i get a text from him asked me if i talked to his ex but of course i said no. but he was begging me to call him. i told him to get off the phone and get back to work before he got fired. he said he had to leave work because he lost his two best friends the same day and he couldnt handle it. we still talked after that for about a week. but i was also talking to his ex. things went bad because his ex did something not to smart and i knew when he read the text i was going to hear it. and i was right. he was down right mean to me and i mean very mean. he said things that i could not say to my worst enemy. i told him to leave me alone and i hung up on him. then around 2:30am he texted me and said call me if you truly care. so being the person that i am and because i did love him i did call him. he told me he was sorry for saying all the stuff he said and after everything he is greatful that his ex and i are still caring to even talk to him. we talked for like 3 hours everything was going ok. then he said he wanted to figure out what made him the person that he had become, and i said something about he needed to ask god for forgiveness for saying his name in vein over and over and over. then i could tell a change in the tone in his voice. maybe i shouldnt have said that but with the things he was saying you would understand why i did. but he told me that he would call me later to let me know about his ex and if she was doing ok. and we would get together on sat and talk. well the next day i waited and waited to hear from him about how she was but nothing so i tried to text and call him and nothing. then at noon the next day i get a text saying she is going to be ok, there still in love and going to try to make it work and he would no longer have contact with me, goodbye kim. yes it hurt, especially when he said we would meet and talk that sat. yes i tried contacting him. unfortunatlly to many times. a part of me wants to believe that he truly loved me but the other part actually believes he is a narcissistic psychopath when i look back and see the things he did and what i forgave him for. the bad part is that i have no closure. it has been eight months now and he hasnt tried to contact me at all. i do know when we were just friends he told me that when he was with her he could buy anything he wanted and also he said once that when he got back with her that i would be his mistress and i said i would never do that. if he did get back with her i would be no more then a friend, but that was before i knew i was in love with him. the thing is there is so much more but this is long enough but i just need to know even though i know you have no clue what was or is going through his head but did he just use me the entire time? because i truly dont have any clue. but maybe there is a part of me that dont want to believe that someone could use someone like that because then i will have to believe he is what i said he is and as bad as my heart hurts now i dont know if i could handle if he truly was just using me the entire time. so when it comes to relationships i will admit im stupid. if you think about it how many 44 year old women do you know that has only been with 3 men. not many…. and how do i get over him and move on. i want control back over my life and i want to be able to trust again. and after what i had went through with telling him everythng and i mean everything because i truly thought of him as being my best friend. just need help…. anything that you could help me with i would greatly appriciate it. thank you, kim.

  12. Mya

    Hi Chris, it’s me again.

    Thank you for answering my previous question. I was hoping you could answer this one too.

    Do you think the fact that my ex went on vacation with his family during the NC would affect his thinking? He went on it for a week. I was wondering if I should do NC for a week longer? I figured a vacation would be a good distraction and he wouldn’t really have much time to miss me or think about the breakup. What do you think?

  13. Nicole

    Hi Chris, thanks for all the great advice! I was readin the show notes from your podcast episode “I Hooked up with My Ex…Now What?” and it would be great if you could clarify something for me. Can you please explain in a little more detail “acting like you’re kind of into hooking up and backing out at the last minute?” How affectionate should you be until you back out. Would kissing at all be going too far?

  14. Sarah

    Hi Chris,

    After seeing my ex last week and him ending up kissing me, my ex and I have been talking almost every day – with the occassional day long NC implemented by me to keep him on his toes. I found out that last night he went out to dinner dessert and a movie with his ex gf (they were together for 4 years on and off before he broke up with her, and we got together aabout 7months later and were tgether for about a year with a month long breakup inbetween). Hes the guy who had cancer if you dont recall my story.

    I messaged him to say my friend saw him and his ex together last night and I guess I was wanting to know if they were back together, as I didnt want to be strung along if he was seeing his ex. He saw the message and didnt reply.

    Its been a month since we broke up again and i never implemented the NC as things seemed to somewhat carry on as normal for us, flirty texts, being there for eachother both ways, and just talking most days.

    Since finding out he saw his ex last night (to which it appears to me was a date) – I dont know where this leaves me?

    I love him, and it broke my heart all over again knowing he was out on a date with his ex last night (where in fact we had talked about meeting up and he ended up postponing on me – obviously now i find out to go out with her!).

    I have read the blogs on “what to do if your ex gets a new gf” – but does it all still apply if your ex gets back with their ex?
    they had been appart for over a year and a half now.

    What should I do – implement the NC rule? What are my chances here?
    Im really hurt by whats happened as I thought after our meet up last week and our conversations lately that things had been going really well…i dont get it..

    Breaks me heart to think Ive lost him all over again to a woman he told me himself never made him feel good about himself, and never made him feel the way I made him feel…

    Where do I go from here?

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