To the Editor,
My name is Charles Davies. I’m a lonely 21-year-old student just looking for love, but I can’t seem to find any. Normally I go to bars, but whenever I go out now, girls take one look at me and walk away. I don’t know why! Up until a few months ago I was doing really well for myself, but lately it’s been different. Ever since I started getting political.
See, everyone is always saying that silence isn’t good enough, and I have to stop staying silent on important social issues. So I’ve started speaking up.
I’ve been repping Trump everywhere I go.
People keep telling me not to vote against my economic self-interest. So I’m not! My dad runs a bank! If Biden wins he might have to pay taxes. And affirmative action? Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to get into law school with that shit in my way?
Look, I’m not saying I love cops — they always tell me to turn the music down when I throw house parties — but it’s not like they care that my roommates are doing coke in the back room, and they always pretend to not smell the weed in my car when they pull me over, so they can’t be all bad.
People don’t seem to like these ideas of mine, though. Last time I went to a bar I got a drink thrown in my face for that last one.
I got kicked out of three bars, and had a Tinder date cancel “because of my moronic fucking mask.” I don’t see what’s wrong with a Trump 2020 mask? It’s even got extra holes at my nostrils so I can breathe!
Anyways, I updated my Tinder profile, too, I wanted to make sure girls know I’m tough on crime. Girls like tough guys, right?
I’ve been swiping a lot. As I said, bars keep kicking me out, so I’ve had no option but dating apps. The few matches I’ve gotten unmatched pretty quickly. Maybe “I’ll make you feel like Donald Trump makes America feel” isn’t a great opening line.
I thought I’d write to you and see if you have any ideas. This is an advice column, right? My dad said the newspapers work for us. And Rupert Murdoch is an old family friend.
So, here’s to hoping you guys can find someone to cook and clean for me. And raise my children. And pack my lunch. That’s what marriage is about, right?
University of Rochester Class of 2022
BA in Political “Science”
President, Gamma Omicron Pi Fraternity