I spend a lot of time on dating apps for work. I host a hit comedy show called “Tinder Live” that tours all around the world, which means that I have right- and left-swiped in New York, Los Angeles, Austin, Seattle, Boston and beyond. Sometimes all in one week.
I have seen a startling number of men who don’t seem to realize — or worse, do realize — they are yelling at every woman who sees their profile. I see at least one a day, if not more. Because I have a stubborn part of my brain that wants to believe all people everywhere are good, I’m choosing to believe these guys have no idea how their profiles are sounding to the women they’re yelling at. So to those men, I have to say: Please stop it.
If you’re not on Tinder, or you’re a Good Guy who doesn’t yell at women he’s never met before, let me explain what the average one of these profiles looks like. It usually goes something like this: Okay, first of all, I don’t want any fatties or sluts. Let’s have a little respect for ourselves. I want a classy girl who likes to be treated right.
Cool. Also, where is that guy who wants to treat me right? Because I’m pretty sure he’s not on the Internet yelling at strangers and asking for “no fatties.”
If you’re reading this, thinking — “Why would a man say this to thousands of women he’s never even talked to before? Because that is a series of words that are super offensive, thereby not making this person seem attractive at all” — try swiping past at least one of these a night for the past four years.
The obvious answer is that men turn their dating profiles into rants because they’re angry — and somewhat rightfully so. Online dating is often lonely and bleak. And if you’re in a major city, there’s a seemingly endless landscape of profiles, all of which mostly look the same, which makes it hard to know whom you’d connect with in real life.
So with that in mind, let me just say to the men who do this: I get the anger. I do. You’re not the only one on a dating app who is pissed off!
I just blew your mind, didn’t I? It’s true — a ton of women, myself included, have felt tempted to write an all-caps Tinder bio listing all the things we’re exhausted by. But most of us don’t ultimately do that. Why? Because it is not a good look. And in case you didn’t know, women don’t want to be yelled at by men we have done nothing to. We get enough of that when we walk down the street or go on the Internet.
That said, if you still can’t see why this is a bad call, think about it this way: If you’re a straight man on a first date with a woman and the first thing she did was angrily and aggressively talk about the waste-of-time guys she’s been out with lately, you’d #NotAllMen all over her.
It’s completely okay to be frustrated by online dating; most people of all genders and all sexualities are frustrated by it. Most of us want so badly to just find someone wonderful to make out with and eat snacks with while watching Netflix, because we’re humans and we want to feel loved. And sifting through apps to find it, while trying to connect with total strangers in a way that feels honest and true — while hoping the other person is also being honest and true — is terrifying.
So maybe delete the aggressive rant on your bio. I know it’s scarier to admit that you’re tired and vulnerable, but most women and men would rather read the bio of someone who seems authentic and open than someone who seems like they already hate us before we’ve even met.