Tinder goes wild in a game where Tony Shalhoub and Luke Kirby try to guess the animal based on imagined online dating profiles.
Heard on Joseph Gordon-Levitt And Tony Shalhoub: 10 Things I Hate About Zoom.
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JONATHAN COULTON, BYLINE: This is NPR’s ASK ME ANOTHER. I’m Jonathan Coulton. Here’s your host, Ophira Eisenberg.
OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:
Thanks, Jonathan. We’re playing games with actors Tony Shalhoub and Luke Kirby from “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.” Are you ready for another game?
LUKE KIRBY: Let’s do this.
EISENBERG: This game is called Must Love Dogs. So what we’ve done is we’ve created dating profiles for animals. Your job is to name the animal that’s looking for love.
TONY SHALHOUB: Great.
EISENBERG: OK. Here we go. I’m going to start with you, Tony. I’m a Cancer looking for a Virgo to go on long sideways crawls on the beach. I’ve got a hard shell, but if you butter me up, I’ll melt in your mouth – no flakes, no fakes.
KIRBY: Ooh, take me to Ocean City.
SHALHOUB: That’s a crab.
EISENBERG: That’s a crab. That’s a crab looking for love on…
SHALHOUB: Oh, boy.
SHALHOUB: I love that.
EISENBERG: It’s sweet, right?
COULTON: We were trying to remember this. What do they make the imitation crab out of? Is it just any kind of fish? Does anybody know?
KIRBY: I think it’s ocean loaf.
COULTON: Ocean loaf – it’s a multi-fish product.
KIRBY: Yeah – brine mold.
SHALHOUB: I think it’s just bleached chicken.
KIRBY: I used to love that stuff. I used to get a Subway…
EISENBERG: Me, too.
KIRBY: …Seafood sub.
COULTON: Oh, yeah.
KIRBY: Like, the whole thing would be gone in an instant.
COULTON: It’s pretty tasty.
KIRBY: I think I’d even, like, ask for, like, extra mayo on it.
COULTON: Yeah, long – a long tube of mayo and a slightly sweet…
SHALHOUB: You don’t really even have to chew it then.
KIRBY: That’s right.
SHALHOUB: Just slide it right down.
COULTON: Luke, here’s one for you.
COULTON: Do you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rainforest? I’m 20 to 30 feet long, and I aim to please and squeeze – winky face. I’m a snake who don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.
KIRBY: You are an anaconda.
COULTON: An anaconda – you are correct.
EISENBERG: All right, Tony. This one’s for you. Desperately seeking stagnation – I’m looking to take things slow.
EISENBERG: Let’s stay in bed and sleep up to 15 hours a day. And if you’re into feet, I’ve got weird ones – three toes per foot, baby.
SHALHOUB: Is it a sloth?
EISENBERG: It is a sloth.
SHALHOUB: Wow. I just pulled that out of the air.
EISENBERG: Supposedly, they require a very specialized diet…
EISENBERG: …A constantly warm and humid environment. And they need to spend a lot of time suspended by high branches. So they’re needy.
COULTON: It’s a lot of work.
KIRBY: They’re – it sounds like actors.
SHALHOUB: Yes, really.
COULTON: All right, this is the last one. It’s for you, Luke.
COULTON: Underwater male sub in search of dom (ph) female who will make me do the labor – looking for a long-term monogamous thing where you lay eggs in my pouch and I birth up to 2,000 of your babies. Let me ride in on myself as your aquatic knight in shining armor.
KIRBY: I got to go.
KIRBY: I had one of these as a child.
COULTON: Did you really?
KIRBY: But it was dead. I just had, like, a kind of dried-up…
COULTON: You had a dried one of these.
KIRBY: A dried-up seahorse.
SHALHOUB: What did you do to it?
COULTON: A seahorse. That is correct.
KIRBY: I ate it.
EISENBERG: (Laughter) This was amazing. You did great. Again, thank you so much. Thank you, Tony Shalhoub. Thank you, Luke Kirby. It was such a pleasure.
KIRBY: Thank you kindly. What a blast.
SHALHOUB: That was fun.
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