It’s time to look at what you’ve put up as obstacles to dating and finding a mate and to discover if they are truly obstacles or just excuses that keep you in a place of comfort or discomfort.
Are you finally ready to try online dating?
If you are like me, you hate the expression, “dating is a numbers game”. The word ‘game’ makes it feel like a competition and implies that there is a winner and a loser.
The popularity of online dating has exacerbated this notion. The stigma surrounding online dating is now nearly extinct, even grandparents understand that’s how people meet these days, and they use dating apps themselves. But just because everyone is using dating apps, doesn’t mean you won’t feel a tinge of fear or some anxiety when exposing your true self to so many strangers. If it has been a while or it’s your first time trying dating apps, do yourself a favor and familiarize yourself with all the slang terms and acronyms. I do not encourage you to use them, but recognizing them may help you make good choices.
The struggle is real. Despite all the choices, people are struggling to attract the kind of partner that fits their lifestyle, aligns with their values and fulfills their dream of soul connection.
As a coach, I challenge my clients to reflect on every person they come across and show compassion. I encourage them to recognize that the profile they are looking at belongs to a person with feelings, hopes and dreams, similar to their own. Everyone is not for you, but whenever possible be kind and respectful.
My clients learn how to choose a mate through the lens of their values and future well being rather than their immediate desire. Can you distinguish between your passing whims, current urges and your long term goals? This skill requires a conscious shift that can be learned. Take some time to list your values and your aspirations and remind yourself what they are (often). Some clients print them out and tape them to their computer screen or bathroom mirror. When you are clear about your values, you will be able to recognize them in others when you are searching for your match. Basically, it strengthens your picker.
Before you can shift into your new way of doing things, you need to make room and discard old habits that no longer serve you. Ask yourself this easy question, what are you no longer willing to tolerate? Most of us have a laundry list of behaviors we never want to see again. Be reasonable, list things that are not compatible with your values rather then temporary human behaviors. It is easy to decide what you don’t want but harder to select the things you do want. You will have greater success and more fun on line if you are confident about who you are, why you are that way, and where you are going. Own and be okay with the real you!
“As we gain confidence in ourselves, the red flags are no longer red flags. They are deal breakers”. Mandy Hale
If you have been dating online without your desired results, you probably need to change your approach. What can you do differently?
Start with your profile- does it accurately portray who you are? Make sure your pictures are current and represent what you like to do. Re-writing your bio to reflect your values and aspirations is another great way to attract a viable match. I love when my clients say something like this: “you should absolutely send me a message if your friends think you are a positive, funny person who is usually willing to roll up your sleeves and help a friend in need”.
It’s time to look at what you’ve put up as obstacles to dating and finding a mate and to discover if they are truly obstacles or just excuses that keep you in a place of comfort or discomfort. Finding the right mate takes time, discernment, acceptance and courage. It can be scary to pursue what really matters – it will feel uncomfortable sometimes, try it anyway.
And always remember:
Be kind anyway.
Be curious anyway.
Be honest anyway.
Take the high road anyway.
Like Mother Teresa said, “It was never between you and them anyway”.
If you think you’re ready, take a bold leap and try online dating or change up your approach if it’s not working. You may want some support, I suggest you ask a trusted friend or consider hiring a coach. After all, winning teams need a great coach to lead them to victory.
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