Let’s say we’re in a room full of 100 people. (Well, OK … a Zoom call of 100 people these days.) We look around, and everyone seems fairly different, right? But before knowing a thing about anyone else, we are all basically the same … just people in a Zoom room together. Now, what if we try to split the 100 people into categories? For example, we might ask the question, “Who likes to cook?” Let’s say that 25 people raise their hands. Now these 25 people are different from the other 75 who would rather be ordering from Uber Eats. Those 25 people, though, are now all the same – they like to cook. So let’s delve a bit further by asking around to see what specific dishes these people like to cook:
Erika – “I love making my grandma’s kugel recipe with apricots and raisins.” (It’s a Jewish noodle pudding.)
Betsy – “I make a really rich flourless chocolate cake.”
Jonah – “I make one thing and one thing only – eggplant parm.”
Conner – “All I know how to make is a tuna melt. But it’s a good tuna melt, if I do say so myself!”
Maxine – “I love making summer salads with chick peas and beans. I also make my own salad dressing.”
The five of us have now differentiated ourselves, first from the larger group because we each like to cook, and now from the 25-person subset because we have shared specifically what we enjoy cooking. Who would you rather go on a date with: Someone who says he likes to cook, or someone who says he makes the best eggplant parm outside of Italy? I’d venture to say the latter.
In your online dating profile, it’s very important to differentiate yourself to the point where people can see you for you and not assume you’re just like everyone else. Let’s look at these two profile excerpts:
“I love to laugh and have fun. My family and friends are so important to me, and I always try to be there for them when I can. I love to cook, run, and play with my dog.”
“When I’m not chasing my dog to the park every morning (he’s fast!), I love hosting friends for dinner. It gives me great pride to make my grandma’s kugel recipe. The best advice she ever gave to me was to always use a stick of butter. Good thing I get my exercise by running every morning … even if I can never catch my dog.”
The first profile doesn’t tell us much. It lists a few hobbies, but on the whole, it’s pretty nondescript. The second profile, however, really gives us a sense of who this person is – someone silly and family-loving who loves to cook and who has an abnormally fast dog. That’s someone people want to meet!
So look around, and if you think you might be writing the same profile as the person next to you on the screen, then it’s time to get more specific. There’s an art to setting yourself apart, and now you’re well-equipped with the skills to do it. Remember: Blending is for cooking, not dating.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating.