#onlinedating | Make a Mind Shift for Dating Success | #bumble | #tinder | #pof

If you’re single and looking for love but aren’t finding it, you may need to make a mind shift. Dating Expert Kelly Hoffman stopped by to explain:

The best way to never get into painful unrewarding dating and relationships starts with this one mind-shift!

Basic behavioral theory is we avoid things that cause us pain and move towards things that have a payoff. Believe it or not, even the most dysfunctional behaviors are rooted in this truth.

However, after years of working with men and women of all ages on their relationships and helping singles improve their dating skills, there is one HUGE mindset that people who are in happy, enviable relationships have that people in less than ideal and even painful relationships are lacking.

People who date safely and Never get into dead-end relationships with people who are takers or in any other way shape or form, not a good fit, these people have what I call a dating “Radar” mindset, while those who end up getting taken advantage of, overwhelmed by online dating, or in relationships that go nowhere with a partner who is less committed than they are, those people all have what I call a pain “Thermometer” mindset.

The difference?

Radar is a tool that has amazing accuracy in spotting problems that when properly interpreted gives huge lead time and shows obstacles and incoming problems. This lead time gives the “pilot” of any craft time to make adjustments and avoid harmful situations that could lead to pain or any number of negative outcomes.

Thermometers measure the amount of something that is being experienced.

In dating, you have to keep the drama and the “energy vampires” at a distance or you will get overwhelmed and burnt out, afraid to date because you don’t want to experience the “heat/pain” anymore.

So how do you get a RADAR MINDSET and ditch your THERMOMETER MINDSET?

FIRST: Learn to read the radar.

So many people I work with are misidentifying what’s going on in their dating lives. They have people they are dating that are treating them poorly and they are making excuses for the behavior, allowing it to happen in a thousand little ways. Others are booting people out of their dating life because they are misreading signals. It’s amazing how many beliefs we have that don’t add up. For example, I have had clients who want a man who is “handy” and when we dig into the why, it’s not because they have projects (though they do and would love the help), “handy” for them = reliable, because the men they knew early on were reliable were also handy, but they didn’t realize that someone could be handy and unreliable, perhaps even only unreliable in relationships.

SECOND: Ditch the thermometer.

Using a thermometer makes you like that old frog in a pot story. Once you are in the heat, you hardly notice when it gets turned up, so you can get boiled alive one degree, one “excuse” at a time. To ditch the thermometer you have to do two things.

1.Stop making excuses/telling stories/offering possibilities “why” someone did what they did. ALWAYS ask directly and non-confrontationally.

2.Stop being afraid you will “mess it up” or “miss out”. This is people’s biggest fear and I can honestly say the only thing you will miss out on is a BAD experience with someone who brings you pain.

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