I’m dating someone and it seems fairly serious. We met on Tinder, have been talking since October, and started dating for real a little over a month ago. We’ve started doing a lot of things that feel very couple-y to me. We have a standing date to watch a show together every week, I sleep over at her place at least once a week, we see each other almost every day, and we text constantly every day.
I tried to ask her the other day if we could define this a little bit and it didn’t go well. She told me she doesn’t want to feel trapped and wants to be able to go on dates with other people and not have to tell them about me. She’s still on Tinder and going out with people, which I didn’t know until that conversation. I really crave exclusivity. My marriage ended after an affair and it’s really important to me to feel secure and safe and like I’m a priority. But sometimes I also end up feeling like I’m just being a possessive jerk by asking her for exclusivity.
She says she’s willing to be exclusive but she needs awhile, but won’t say what that means. My friends think she’s leading me on and just using me until she finds someone else. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in this position when trying to define a relationship before. She says she cares about me and likes me a lot but won’t commit, and that honestly makes me feel like trash, just easily discarded. Do I stick this out and give it time or do I eject now?
If you’re feeling like trash, eject.
That was the word that did it for me. Trash.
At first I thought, “Well, it’s only been a month. Let’s give this a little time to stick.” After all, there can be a lot of stops and starts at the beginning of a relationship. It might take people some time to be in it together, for the same reasons.
But then I remembered you’ve been communicating with this woman since October. You’re at the point where you’re in each other’s lives every day. She seems to be all in, but then … she’s not. That’s confusing for you.
One thing I noticed about your letter is that you don’t say much about why this relationship is so great. You spend a lot of time with her, and she’s given you a routine (a show to watch, texts to send, sleepovers, etc.), but how is your time together? Some letter writers forget to tell us the good stuff about their significant others – they get straight to the problem and forget to explain why they’re in the relationship to begin with.
That’s probably what happened here, but I do hope you think about how this woman makes you feel and why you’re fighting for her. The routine is nice, but you need evaluate the companionship. That might make it easier to stay – or go.