If you’re anything like me lately, you’ll find you have become a little ‘meh’ when it comes to dating apps. They’ve lost their spark and the same lowly creatures (myself included) will keep popping up on your app.
Just the other day I matched with a bloke who told me we went on a date about two years ago. Oh for shame, I couldn’t even remember.
That’s it, just buy me some cats and let’s be done with it!
You will come across the same ol’ faces and think, “Geez, they’re still looking? Why haven’t they partnered up yet? Hang on a sec, why haven’t I??”
And so it goes, the continual swipe left, swipe right way of life.
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Now having been around the traps a few times, I can tell you that most people on the dating apps ie. anyone single right now, can be put into certain categories. Here are just some of the ones I have collated from my own experience …
THE 5FT 10IN GUY
He’s not. He knows he can’t get away with being 6ft but he also knows many of you won’t swipe right if he admits he’s 5ft 8. Shame on all of us!
THE 45 YEAR OLD
Again, he’s not. Just last week I went on a date with a guy who said he was Scottish, worked in finance, was 6ft and appeared to have no kids or former marriage. The only thing correct about his profile when I turned up to the date was that he was Scottish. He was rather short, admitted after a very strong whisky that he was 52 years old and that he had two kids. I don’t have a problem with shorties, heck I’m only 5ft 3in but the lying? Abort mission.
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You will recognise him by the giant dead fish he is holding up, or the poor doped-out, chained up lion he is patting, or the obnoxious gym selfie.
Just like a caveman who hunts a wilder beast and brings it back to the cave to impress his lady friend, this guy is trying to show he is as masculine as they come.
THE ‘I’M JUST OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP PASSIVE AND ANGRY’ GUY
This one is easy to spot, and their profiles will be quickly screenshot and sent to your favourite WhatsApp group with the caption ‘LOL WTF?!’.
They will write things like, “If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” or “Studied at the school of hard knocks” or “Prove to me that all women aren’t …” or “You probably won’t message me back because I’m a nice guy.”
Take a week off hon and work on yourself first before you jump right back into dating.
JUST SOLO SELFIES
I’m not going to lie. I was once this person. Before a lovely friend took one look over it and said, “Umm … you might want to make it look like you have a life and friends. Valid point. The more extreme version of this category involves the person looking slightly like a serial killer, with extreme close-up photos, no smiling and the impression that they have the personality of a dead fish.
ALL GROUP PHOTOS
This profile is basically like a game of Where’s Wally. Which one is he? You will honestly be hoping he is the hot one. He won’t be.
THE PUPPY OR ‘MY NIECE’ GUY
He is super clucky and his green light is flashing! He will dangle anything that remotely gets your ovaries rumbling in the hope that you will swipe right immediately. Anyone holding a baby (niece/nephew) in their photos is basically saying ‘Look! This could be us!’ He will also quote something like “Looking for the Pam to my Jim” (for anyone who has watched The Office). I mean, swipe right if you’re keen.
THE GUY WITH THE SAME GIRL IN EVERY SHOT
This is the couple looking to get frisky with a third person. Cheeky rascals.
I could write a thousand more categories, but let’s be honest, half the fun is discovering them for yourself. Now warm up those swiping fingers and enjoy the online world of dating in all it’s horrific glory.
Jana Hocking is a radio producer and collector of kind-of-boyfriends. Continue the conversation @Janahocking