COVID-19 may have changed just about every aspect of our lives, but one of the ways in which we maintain sanity is by maintaining some old habits. Or more likely, we further indulge in bad habits of pre-pandemic times like cycling through the same four or five social media apps before moving from the bed to the couch and restarting the process with a snack.
One of the best examples I have found for this phenomenon is trying to fill the void of human contact with Tinder, which is as silly as it sounds. Nonetheless, getting the chance to talk to new people is not something to be taken for granted these days, even if resulting dates are largely forbidden by our current circumstances. To bridge that gap, I have a few suggestions to spice things up on the internet’s favorite matchmaker.
Pick-up line training grounds
While the point of Tinder is usually to meet new people and develop relationships, there are just a few government-mandated roadblocks for the kind of traditional dating that comes after a match. In the meantime, stay-at-home orders have taken all the pressure out of online flirting. Why not swing for the fences when there’s a zero percent chance you will see someone in public after sending a high-risk, high-reward line?
Put those two semesters of 100-level Spanish to work. Combine a compliment and a “Breaking Bad” reference into one sentence. Try two truths and a lie using only emojis. Or, for the truly bold, challenge them to 8-Ball.
The only real restriction here is that you cannot rely too heavily on COVID-inspired lines. Nobody needs any further reminders of our current predicament. Otherwise, be as creative as possible since we are all bored together and completely devoid of new human connection. And obviously, don’t do anything stupid. This is not a suggestion to inject even more hypermasculinity or ignorance into the world of online dating. Most of us just need some creativity instead.
Talk mad trash about your quarantine roommates
I have been stuck at home with my younger brothers for four weeks after returning home early from a study abroad. They spend their time vacillating between what little homework their teachers can coax out of them and arguing over whose turn it is to play Animal Crossing. It is not an exaggeration to say that they are a dire threat to the sanity of everyone they meet at this point.
Many people have it worse with roommates who have yet to clean anything and spend most of their time yelling at virtual friends on Xbox Live. While directly confronting these people may seem like a good idea, the sad reality is that we are all stuck in our current living situations and desperately need to keep tensions to a minimum. So instead of bottling all that frustration up in a
journal or a thinly veiled screenplay, why not air out your grievances to new internet acquaintances?
Recruit for the upcoming revolution and overthrow of the ruling class
There is never a bad time to prepare for the upcoming coup against our capitalist overlords. Usually there is little time available to find new recruits with the business of our everyday lives, but COVID-19 has given the resistance a unique opportunity.
This particular strategy can even lead to more matches than usual with the right inflammatory language and imagery. Personally, I encourage spreading awareness of anticapitalistic propaganda in your bio and secret messages in your photos to draw the attention of young people that may be on the fence of joining the glorious cause. Be sure to include coded virtue signaling like “LOL” (let’s overthrow leadership) and “SMH” (secure manufacturing and housing).
While the government and corporate interests continue to bumble their way through pandemic response, the real changes are made by the millions of underserved people that stay at home. Remember, the pandemic will pass if we are diligent. With some excellent planning with the help of dating apps, the revolution will come to pass with the subjugation of the ruling class and the glorious rise of the proletariat. It’s truly what the makers of Tinder intended when they set out to bring people together.
Jonah Baker can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @jonahpbaker