Dear Luv Doc,
Since COVID I have been doing a lot more masturbating – like several times a day. It helps to ease my anxiety and, as they say, “Idle hands are the devil’s playthings.” I have a job and plenty of work to do, but it’s easy to get distracted and there’s no one else around except my cat, and he couldn’t care less. I browse through Tinder every once in a while, but there is no way I want to trust my health to an absolute stranger, so the only digital dating I do is with my digits. Yesterday I masturbated four times, which seems like a lot, but really doc, how much is too much?
– Master Baiter
I’m more of a philosopher than a mathematician – which is sort of a strange thing to say since they’re basically the same thing – so I prefer to not get bogged down in numbers, especially when it comes to pleasurable activities. Yes, there was a time when I kept count of the number of beers I drank, or the number of joints I smoked, or the number of sexes I had, but never, ever once did all that bean-counting have a positive effect on my enjoyment. Rather, keeping score almost always took me out of the game. No dis to mathematicians, but numbers are just a framework we’ve devised to try and understand the universe rather than simply existing in it without judgment or preconceptions. That’s easier said than done, of course, but an orgasm is about as close as humans generally get to mindless bliss, so it’s best not to ruin those rare moments by debasing them with simple accounting.
Jesus knows how many times you masturbated yesterday, so you don’t need to worry about keeping count. Suffice it to say that there will probably be a big, embarrassing slideshow of everyone’s vinegar strokes when they finally arrive at the pearly gates. (What? Why else would the gates be pearly?) Regardless, you don’t need to sweat it. Why increase your anxiety worrying about some biblical/cosmic retribution for enjoying a little you time? You have bigger fish to fry – once you’ve thoroughly washed your hands, of course. Just know that if Jesus really does exist, he is taking an exacting, meticulous accounting of the frequency and intensity of your masturbation. Why? Well, Christianity wouldn’t be much of a religion if it wasn’t overly concerned with controlling women’s bodies. I mean, otherwise, why even? Hopefully, if you’re a staunch Christian, the idea of Jesus watching gets you off; otherwise you’re going to end up with a DAP.
Of course, given that you take the time to read this column, there’s a solid chance you don’t subscribe to ridiculous Victorian morals. In that case, just scratch that whole last paragraph. I tend to fly off on tangents on occasion. Perhaps what you’re really concerned with is your health. Touché. That’s a legitimate concern, but not when it comes to masturbation. Pretty much as long as you’re not rubbing yourself raw, you’re good to go. Health benefits of masturbation include but are not limited to: improved circulation, natural detoxification, estrogen production, increased endorphins, increased oxytocin, increased pain threshold, and (bonus!) up to a 20% increase in infection-fighting cells. In these epidemiologically uncertain times, that makes regular/frequent masturbation your patriotic duty! So, here’s my advice: Never be afraid to drop your knickers and rub one out for America. Your nation is counting on you!