Stephanie Nuzzo decided she had nothing to lose, using only quotes from Netflix’s Tiger King series to chat to potential male suitors via her online dating apps of choice. The results? Hilarious, but also slightly concerning. Meow…
The concept of finding a partner while banished to the four walls of your home is a pretty ridiculous one if you ask me.
Sure, FaceTime dates offer a chance for some fun and a little flirting, but the whole ‘looming sense of doom’ thing tends to get in the way of romance more often than not. So, being the masochist that I am, I decided to stoke the flames of the garbage fire that is my reality by blowing up my love life further.
I took to every dating app I could think of and conversed with a long list of eligible bachelors, using only quotes from everyone’s current Netflix obsession, Tiger King. Considering just how damn popular this short series has grown to become, I figured that almost all these dudes would wise up to my game almost immediately.
Surprisingly, and hilariously, many of them didn’t. This, my friends, lead to an incredible number of cringe-worthy interactions that will probably land me in hell.
Here are the nine most noteworthy exchanges from my little experiment…
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This guy tried to laugh off his concern
I can’t be sure if old mate was trying to change the subject to something less bizarre, or if his thought process was more along the lines of: “Hahaha! What is wrong with this woman?”
I kind of hope it’s option two.
Tinder intervened before this conversation got off the ground
Honestly, I appreciate the concern, Tinder! Seeing the word “blow” in the second message from a potential date is rarely going to be a positive thing.
…Though, I imagine neither is getting a message referencing a snow leopard chilling in someone’s van.
Pretty sure this man reported me
There are a few points I’d like to make about this exchange. One: Who in their right mind wants to meet up with someone after they describe themselves as an executioner? Two: Excuse me, sir. What part of social distancing do you not understand? Three: Do you think it was the mention of urine that turned him off?
Wonder if this line worked on Joe Exotic’s husbands?
Honestly, I get it. Cocky doesn’t look good on anyone. Especially not a mullet-donning tiger-obsessive.
Carole Baskin wasn’t much help, either
No love for this classic quote? I’m truly disappointed, you guys.
This guy really dug the cowboy thing
We have our first winner! This guy was clearly a little disappointed when I couldn’t give him a peek at my lassoing skills, but at least he got to the bottom of this strange-as-hell conversation.
Hmm, not sure we’re into the same kink?
This guy had me figured out from the start, damn him. Points for throwing in a Carole Baskin reference, though. Points lost, however, for making me imagine the smell of someone’s body covered in sardine oil. Spew.
Do you think I offended him?
I mean, no-one’s perfect, mate. Qualities like erratic behaviour, a drug habit, gun-enthusiasm and a couple of husbands don’t necessarily need to be deal-breakers, right?
This conversation haunts me, still
Bless this poor man for trying to understand the absolute drivel I was giving him. When he started talking about the owner of the cat that contracted coronavirus, I almost fell off my chair. I am now patiently awaiting karma to kick my ass. I should probably tell you that I later caved and told him I was quoting Tiger King in an attempt to stop his head from exploding.
So, there you have it, folks! As I’m sure we all assumed, using quotes from the colourful individuals behind Tiger King did not fare well for my love life. In fact, it functioned much like me digging a deep, deep hole and throwing all chances of a quarantine romance to the bottom.
It did give me a good chuckle, though. And man, is that satisfying right about now. With that said, I wouldn’t be surprised if I heard from sardine-oil again soon. Those big cat lovers are a kooky bunch.