What To Do If You Get The Dreaded “No Response” After No Contact


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The no contact rule…

It is arguably the most popular strategy when it comes to getting an ex back.

It is also one of the most challenging strategies to get through due to a variety of reasons.

Now, I’m not one to brag about myself…

awesome

….

superman chris

Oh, who am I kidding I totally am.

I would say that Ex Boyfriend Recovery has the most information online regarding “the no contact rule.”

I talk about it extensively in my PRO System and here, here and here.

So, to continue my total dominance over the internet I figured I would give you another glimpse into my magnificent brain with it’s knowledge over the no contact rule.

(I am bragging way too much about myself, huh?)

In order to understand this article you first need to understand the context of what it is talking about.

Those of you who are up to date on my most recent thoughts regarding getting your ex back can probably skip this next section but for those of you who aren’t then you would do well to listen up.

My Thoughts On Getting An Ex Back In Today’s Day And Age

The more we live in this earth the more we experience and the more we experience the more we learn.

This is pretty much common sense, right.

So, it would make sense that the more time I dedicate to helping people get their exes back the more I learn.

I have been doing this for the last several years and I have LITERALLY seen thousands of situations and the more I have seen the more I have learned about what works and what doesn’t work.

Well, what if I told you that most successful “get your ex back” campaigns all have four categories to them.

While no two campaigns will ever be alike generally you can locate these four things within them.

I took the liberty of creating a graphic to illustrate the four things for you,

 

four parts strategy

So, we have four things.

  1. The No Contact Rule…
  2. Text Messaging…
  3. Phone Calls…
  4. In Person Re-connection…

Since this is an article that focuses on what to do if you get no response after no contact where do you think that, that falls in this graphic?

How about right where that circle is,

four parts strategy

Now, I don’t want to bother explaining this entire strategy to you, that’s what PRO is for.

Instead, I am just going to explain the portion that we are focusing on to you.

What Happens In That Circled Portion Of The Strategy?

In order to answer that question we are going to have to take you back and explain what the no contact rule is.

When I first started this article I mentioned to you that I have a ton of information on this website about the no contact rule so if you want an in-depth explanation of the no contact rule I suggest that you take a look at those links above. However, for the purposes of this article I am going to go ahead and give you a quick crash course (since that is what I do.)

I figured the best way to do this would be with some role playing so I would like you to meet Bob.

bob

Bob is the ex boyfriend of Alicia.

alicia

Now, Alicia, as you may have guessed, has decided that she wants to get Bob back so she decided to use the no contact rule.

The No Contact Rule- A period of time (ranging from 21 to 30 days) where you ignore your ex on purpose in an effort to get him back.

I figured I would put together a graphic illustrating this,

no contact stick figure

Do you understand no contact now?

Yes?

Ok, lets move on.

I want you to take a look at the graphic I put together above with the circle….

Hmm… I’ll tell you what.

I will just post it below again so you don’t have to go through the annoyance of scrolling up and then down again.

four parts strategy

What is happening in this circled area?

Well, what is supposed to happen in the grand scheme is that Alicia would complete the no contact rule and then use text messages to re-attract Bob.

That little circled area above is supposed to represent the sending of the first text message after the no contact rule.

In a perfect world Alicia would send a text message to Bob and Bob would respond to it happily.

But we don’t live in a perfect world?

What if the trajectory of Alicia’s “get your ex back” campaign gets screwed up and instead of Bob responding happily (like he was supposed to) he doesn’t respond at all…

THAT is what this entire article is about.

I am basically going to teach you what to do in this circumstance and how to improve the odds of having your ex boyfriend respond to you but we don’t just want him to respond to you now do we?

We want him to respond to you in a positive manner.

The Importance Of A Positive Response

believe

When you are texting an ex there are generally four types of responses that you can get.

Care to take a guess at what those responses are?

  1. The positive response
  2. The neutral response
  3. The negative response
  4. The no response

Now, as much as I would love to eat up another thousand words talking about the four responses I can’t do that since we are here to talk about one type of response, the positive one.

The ultimate goal of this page is to help you get a positive response from an ex who isn’t so positive.

In other words, I am going to take you from point A (where your ex boyfriend isn’t responding to your texts) to point B (where he will in a very positive manner.)

no to positive

But why is it so important to get a positive response after the no contact rule?

Well….

I really hate to tell you this but I can’t really hold anything back from you.

It’s because of the rule of three.

What Is “The Rule of Three?”

three

Ex Boyfriend Recovery is a great resource for getting an ex boyfriend back.

There is no doubt about that.

However, it is also a great resource for figuring out what works and what doesn’t work.

In other words, it’s my own personal hypothesis tester.

How does that work?

Basically when I have an idea about getting an ex back I write about it and wait to see what happens when people implement it.

From there I gather research and if I find out that enough people are implementing it and having success I let you guys know about it.

The rule of three is one of those hypothesis’.

Actually… I take that back.

I didn’t come up with this. This is something that I just started noticing.

It’s a trend…

A bad trend…

A very bad one…

Since we have a big international audience I am going to use a soccer analogy to explain this so buckle up.

Imagine for a moment that you were playing soccer on a team and you were your teams best player. In other words, they were relying on you to win the game. Throughout the game you only had three shots on goal and the other team had zero.

In order for you to win the game all you have to do is make one goal…

Just one.

Well, getting an ex boyfriend back is kind of like that.

This is especially true when it comes to texting an ex boyfriend.

From everything I have seen you only have three chances at a text message after the no contact rule to get a positive response from him and if you don’t get that positive response then your chances drop dramatically.

Let’s have some fun with this soccer analogy,

three soccer analogy

So, in this analogy you will notice that,

  • The Player = You
  • The Ball = The Text Message You Send
  • The Goal = Getting A Positive Response From Your Ex

Now, you have three chances to hit the shot or you will lose the soccer game (aka: getting your ex back.)

But you will notice when you turn your attention to the goal that just getting a response isn’t enough.

I mean, anyone can get a response.

In fact, I bet that if you were using an ironclad no contact rule on me I could get you to break it and respond to me.

Want to know how?

I would just send you a text like this,

car accident

Pretty gloomy and depressing, right?

Well, I am pretty sure you would respond to me even if you were doing no contact but your response wouldn’t be positive would it?

Nope, it would be negative and hateful.

Like I said, anyone can get a response.

But not everyone can get a positive response and when you add in the fact that realistically you only have three chances to get a positive response you can see why this article is super important.

Of course… you are in a bit of a predicament right now aren’t you?

The Predicament You Are In

predicament

Since this is an article about navigating a situation where you have already reached out to your ex after the no contact rule and have gotten no response you have already take one or more shots on goal and missed.

In other words, if you only had three shots to start out with now you have one or two left.

But I will get to that in a second. There is one thing that I need to talk about right now and that is for the GNATS of the world.

GNAT stands for,

Going

Nuts

At

Texting

Pretty cool acronym, huh?

I really wish I could take credit for it but I can’t. It was actually a visitor here on EBR that first said it to me and I kind of stole it.

Ya…

Anyways, let’s assume that you do a no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and then after that no contact rule is up instead of taking three shots at goal you take ten.

How very GNATTY of you.

Now, lets say that your ex boyfriend ignores all of your “shots on goal.”

Does this mean that you have no chance of success?

Should you give up forever?

Well, if you recall my earlier statement I said that your chances of success drastically decrease but I didn’t say it was impossible. In fact, I am a big believer in leaving no stone unturned and while I wouldn’t have preferred that you turned into a GNAT after no contact you can’t just give up.

So, try things my way.

Now, lets get back to the non-GNATS out there who may have already taken one or two shots at goal.

In fact, lets just say that you have only taken one shot at goal (and missed.)

Realistically you have two shots left.

In order to give yourself the best chance of success you need to make sure that these shots are solid attempts. They need to be well thought out texts with intent behind them.

That’s where my interesting theory comes into play.

The Interesting Theory

Lets stop talking about your ex for a second and zoom out a bit.

I want to talk about people in general (which by default will include your ex.)

Have you ever noticed how people are fascinated by the interesting?

Take a look at the three pictures below,

The Pink Dolphin

pink dolphin

The Pregnancy Announcement

pregnancy announcement

Real Life Jurassic Park?

clone

What do all three of this pictures have in common?

At first glance…

Nothing, right?

WRONG!

These three pictures have a lot in common.

In fact, these three pictures all went viral within the last five years.

Why?

Because they are all interesting….

HEY!

Are you paying attention or are you still scrolling up to figure out if the dinosaur is real?

(It’s not… it was an April Fools joke.)

But the dolphin is real… in case you were wondering.

People have a fascination with interesting things. I mean, you don’t see anything boring ever going viral on Facebook now do you?

Hmm…

Perhaps I should give you a real life example.

Ok, yesterday I was cruising around Facebook and noticed something interesting. It was this video where these men (who looked to be guerrillas) were making fun of a monkey. All of the men had guns which looked to be AK-47’s. Anyways, while they were making fun of the monkey one of them had the genius idea to give his gun up to the monkey.

Guess what happened next?

Yup, the monkey somehow shot the gun (at the ground) and all the men started taking off running.

See for yourself,

Now, is the video real?

Nope… it’s fake.

But you know what it is?

INTERESTING!

As long as human beings rule this world they will always be fascinated with interesting things.

This leads us to your ex boyfriend.

Above I explained how you only have a few shots on goal to get this positive response. That means that the text message that you send your ex boyfriend has to be as interesting or MORE interesting than all of the things I just talked about.

In other words, you need to become your ex boyfriends “pink dolphin.”

But how?

How can you send a text message on this level?

The In’s And Out’s Of Sending An Interesting Text Message

interesting

I will admit that crafting the most interesting text message that your ex boyfriend has ever encountered is a bit of a challenge.

Why?

Because oftentimes people respond to stories better than anything but this is a text message we are talking about here.

All you get is 160 characters.

Kind of hard to tell a good story being limited like that?

Now, I know what some of you iPhone fanatics are going to tell me (don’t worry I am one too.)

“But Chris, some phones don’t have any limit to the amount of characters you can send.”

And while I have covered this extensively in my “Texting Bible” I suppose it won’t hurt to give you a quick crash course.

You have just completed the no contact rule…

That means you have gone through ignoring your boyfriend for 21 to 30 days.

Imagine how it would look if you sent a super long text message like this,

long text message

Your ex boyfriend is going to go…

“Ugh, she is so needy even after all this time. Ok, lets listen to her latest emotional outburst.”

In other words, your text message can be no more than 160 characters and that may even be pushing it.

It sucks doesn’t it?

Having all these restrictions.

Restrictions So Far:

  • Text Has To Be The Most Interesting Your Ex Boyfriend Has Ever Read
  • The Text Can Be No More Than 160 Characters

Just for fun I am going to add on another little restriction for you :p .

You can not talk about your previous relationship AT ALL.

Not only is this not going to be an interesting topic for your ex boyfriend but it will automatically tip your hand that you are wanting him back. While eventually your hand will need to be tipped this isn’t the time to do.

This is the time to fascinate him.

I think that’s it for the restrictions.

Final Restrictions:

  • Text Has To Be The Most Interesting Your Ex Boyfriend Has Ever Read
  • The Text Can Be No More Than 160 Characters
  • You Can Not Be Overly Emotional Or Talk About Your Relationship With Your Ex Boyfriend

So, how the heck are we going to do this?

How are we going to craft the perfect text message to your ex boyfriend to get him to respond in a positive manner?

Well, in order to understand that you need to understand the template of an interesting text.

Interesting Text Message Template

What I am about to teach you is going to change your life forever.

Now, those of you who know me really well know that I rarely make that kind of a claim.

In other words, I am trying to re-iterate how incredible what I am about to show you is.

I would like to introduce you to the ultimate template for an interesting text message.

template

(If you want more information on interesting text messages I recommend that you check out my book, The Texting Bible.)

I know what your thinking…

“That doesn’t look very life changing to me.”

I promise you it is but you have to give me a chance to explain it first.

Lets start with…

Determining The Interesting Type

my type

Again, if you want a more thorough breakdown of text messages I suggest you take a look at the Texting Bible.

There are many different “interesting text messages.”

For example,

You have the funny interesting type…

The creative interesting type…

The weird interesting type…

And we can’t forget the “in common” interesting type…

What I want you to do is determine the interesting type of text message that you are going to send.

Do you need some help choosing?

Ok, lets go down the list.

What Is “Funny Interesting?”

Basically anything that makes you laugh your butt off can be found in this category.

Pretend you are watching a comedian and you get hooked on his or her  jokes. While you know you are just watching a man or woman on a stage with a microphone talking there is something about it that makes you unable to turn away.

They do an impression… you get pulled in.

They tell a story… you get pulled in.

They walk funny… you get pulled in.

It’s interesting to you and you can’t quite put your finger on it.

This is what I am talking about by “funny interesting.”

Now, since we are dealing with text messages here one of the funniest things that you can do is send a funny picture. Take a look around this site. You will notice that it is filled with memes. I do this to lighten the mood and add some color to my pages.

However, I also think the memes are funny and a lot of women who visit this site do too.

In fact, I would say that it’s one of the reasons that Ex Boyfriend Recovery is preferred over all the other websites out there teaching people to get their exes back.

I guess what I am trying to say is that an example of sending a “funny interesting” text can also include sending a meme like this,

rug

Ok, enough of this.

Let’s move on to the next interesting type.

The Creative Interesting Type

This basically includes anything that is creative and interesting.

Hmm… perhaps I should give an example.

I have done research on this website to show that most of my readers are between the ages of 18 and 34. In other words, most of you are at the stage of life where you are going to have to start applying for jobs.

DUN…

DUNNN…

DUNNNNNN…

(That was meant to represent that sound that plays after something scary is said.)

Anyways, when you apply for a job you have to create a resume that essentially pitches yourself and why you are the right person for the job.

Now, a resume has a pretty plain jane template in which things are supposed to be done,

resume template

Super boring and plain, right?

Essentially what happens is an employer will get hundreds of resumes like these to sift through and oftentimes he/she won’t even read them all. In fact, all that happens is they scan the endless piles of resumes for something that looks interesting and once they find something that looks interesting they will pick it to read through fully.

But lets get creative for a minute.

Lets pretend that instead of using the boring resume template above you were to break the mold and come up with your own creative resume,

(I am going to have to give credit of this picture to Robbie Bautista.)

creative resume example

So, imagine that you are an interviewer with one hundred resumes on your desk that all look like the boring resume template and then you happen to stumble across the resume above.

It’s new, creative and interesting.

Guess who just got chosen for an interview?

This is the kind of outside the box thinking that you are going to need to employ in a text message to your ex boyfriend if you decide to choose the “creative type.”

Lets move on to the weird type.

The Weird Interesting Type

Hmm…

How can I put this?

Do you remember the pink dolphin?

That was pretty weird, right?

It was something that was out of the ordinary. I mean, dolphins aren’t supposed to be pink.

This is “weird interesting” in a nutshell.

It’s basically anything that you can send to your ex boyfriend that is out of the ordinary to get him to respond to you.

Let me give you an example.

(Again, this is an example so what I am about to say is completely false. Got it? Good)

Lets pretend that you heard this fact that the sky actually wasn’t blue but it was (sticking to the theme here) pink.

pink sky

And you decided to share this information with your ex boyfriend in a text.

This would be classified as a weird interesting type of text message that probably would get a response.

Now lets move on to the final interesting archetype.

Having stuff in common.

In Common Interesting Type

I am a huge fan of the HBO hit series Game of Thrones.

come at me

(That was a pretty awesome episode, huh?)

Anyways, my point is that I am a big fan of GOT and anytime someone says anything about it I get stopped in my tracks and listen.

In other words, if someone were to send me a text message about something I found interesting (game of thrones) the chances are high that I will give it a response.

Now, just sending a simple text message like,

got

Isn’t going to cut it.

You need to do more.

That leads me to my next point.

Shocking Opening

shocking meme

Have you ever heard the phrase,

Starting things off with a “BANG”

How about this one?

SHOCK and then awe

These are two phrases that I want you to get very familiar with because we are going to be using the philosophy behind them to create the “shocking” opening.

If you take a look at the graphic I created above we are at the point where you have chosen the type of text message that you want to send but need to craft a shocking opening.

But why?

Why is it so important for us to create something shocking.

I am going to need to explain this with an example.

Let me show you two text messages and after you are done reading them I want you to tell me which of them a man will respond to better,

Text A (The Boring Opening)

boring opening

Text B (The Shocking Opening)

shocking text

Which of these texts has a higher chance for a response?

Text B, right?

I mean, an ex boyfriend is going to read that and think,

“What is she talking about?”

“What is it that I need to hear about?”

“I HAVE TO FIND OUT”

This leads me to my next point, crafting a shocking opening.

Lesson ONE: Separate Text Vs. In The Text

There are two keys or lessons that I am going to have to teach you if you are going to craft a perfect shocking opening.

The first one is deciding on whether you want your shocking opening to be a part of your overall interesting text message or if you want it to be a separate text message in and of itself.

If you look at the graphic above on creating an interesting text message you would remember that there are four main parts,

  1. Deciding The Text Type
  2. Shocking Opening
  3. Substance Middle
  4. Leave Him Wanting More Close

Deciding the text type happens before you even send a text message.

However, the shocking opening, substance middle and leave him wanting more close can be either combined into one massive action packed message or three separate text messages.

Care to take a guess at what I prefer?

Separation!

Yup, I like it when these three text messages are separated from one another in three texts.

Now, this may come as a shock to you since I clearly state in my book, The Texting Bible that after the no contact rule when trying to make your first contact you should just send one singular text message but your situation is a bit different isn’t it?

You have already tried reaching out to your ex after NC and had no success whatsoever.

Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result so that’s why I am taking the constraints of how many texts you can send after no contact off for now.

This leads me to my next point.

I am definitely in favor of sending the shocking opening as one text in and of itself instead of packing it in as one massive super text.

Lesson TWO: Making Him Ask The Right Type Of Questions

Take a look at the shocking text example I gave above.

You want me to post it for you again huh?

UGH.. ok I will do it but just this once ? .

shocking text

Want to know what makes this text message so effective?

It makes an ex boyfriend ask a lot of questions at once.

“I just saw something and I think you’ll want to hear about it…”

When a man receives something like that what are the first three things that are going to pop into his head?

Though One: What did she see?

Thought Two: Is it bad?

Thought Three: I have to find out what it is.

Now, lets compare these three thoughts to the three thoughts that will pop into his head when he gets a generic opening text message like the one I posted above…

Ok, so I broke down and posted another image I already posted….

boring opening

The first three thoughts that an ex boyfriend will probably have when he reads a text message like this are,

Thought One: UGH, it’s her again…

Thought Two: What does she want?

Thought Three: Probably just trying to beg me to come back to her haha.

It doesn’t take a genius to see that this text is inferior to the shocking text message and that’s because the shocking text message makes an ex boyfriend ask the right type of questions.

It uses curiosity to it’s advantage.

Humans have always had a fascination with finding out what happens next. This curiosity to learn the truth can be used to your advantage.

Notice how the first two thoughts led to the third thought (where he needs to find out what happens next.)

Lets hit pause and study how this happened.

Thought One = What did she see

This thought will pop into your ex boyfriends mind due to this part of the text message,

shocking text

Now, thought two is really kind of clever because it is also human nature to put yourself above all others.

In fact, a few years ago a study was done on email subject lines.

Basically the study wanted to determine what the best email subject line would be.

Guess what it was?

“BAD NEWS…”

People opened up an email with this title because they thought the bad news would be about them.

So, when an ex boyfriend has this thought,

Thought Two- Is it bad?

It is due to this part of the text message,

shocking text copy

Making him think that it’s about him.

Understanding these three thoughts that an ex boyfriend will have,

Though One: What did she see?

Thought Two: Is it bad?

Thought Three: I have to find out what it is.

Are important because they are the basis for the shocking opening.

If you can get your ex boyfriend to ask these questions during your own shocking opening text then you will be well on your way.

Of course, our work isn’t over yet.

Substance Middle

The “substance middle” is really where the interesting part of the text comes in.

It’s also directly connects with “determining the interesting type.”

substance middle

How?

Because the substance of the text is going to depend on the “interesting type” of text that you chose when we started this process.

For example, if you picked the funny text then the substance that you are going to deliver is going to be funny.

If you picked creative then the substance will be creative and so on and so forth.

Now, what do you think I mean by substance?

Examples Of Good Substance

Before I get into this I want to remind you that I am a believer of NOT cramming this into one massive text that you send to your ex. Instead, every box in the graphic below gets it’s own individual text.

(With the exception of the first box.)

Oh, and every text leads into the other.

So, it kind of looks like this,

template1

What I would like to do now is give you an example of what I consider to be good “substance” but in order to do that we are going to have to go back to the last section where I was talking about a shocking opening (since every text kind of bleeds into the next one.)

So, lets just pretend that we are using this text as the shocking opening and you get a response,

saw something

What happens next?

Well, now it’s time to add some interesting substance to the mix.

Of course, in order to do that we need to figure out the type of text message you wanted to use.

Remember, I gave you a bunch of examples,

  • Funny
  • Creative
  • Weird
  • In Common

Let’s say for the sake of this example that you wanted to use a funny example.

There are two ways to play this.

You can either tell a ridiculous story OR you can add some creativity into the mix and craft a funny video for your ex to watch.

Now, it’s kind of hard for me to give you an example of a funny video so I am going to stick to the ridiculous story but if there was ever a time to think outside the box this would be it.

fat shaming

Remember, the more ridiculous you get with this story the better and no doubt about it the story I just told is absolutely ridiculous.

Now, you may be wondering how the heck I was so detailed with that story.

The truth is that I had a friends dad who actually did tell me that story…. in real life.

Of course, I left out the most horrible part.

He told me he used to chase fat people on the beach IN A TRUCK…

Can you imagine being on the beach, minding your business and all of a sudden a truck comes into view chasing you with a bunch of teenagers with pole vaults?

Now, I think the whole concept of “whale watching” is horrible but even I have a sense of humor and the thought is so ridiculous that it kind of makes me chuckle.

My point is this, the more ridiculous the story the better for the funny texts.

So, that’s substance in a nutshell but there is still one last thing I have to teach you.

And that’s the “leave him wanting more close.”

Leave Him Wanting More Close…

What can I say… I like to lead by example ? .

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_________________________

12 thoughts on “What To Do If You Get The Dreaded “No Response” After No Contact

  1. Jeb

    Hi Chris, no I have not had the chance to check out your other site mainly because I have chosen to move on from this girlfriend for various reasons. It’s a shame that the relationship ended but at the same time it’s for the better. If she does contact me though I won’t play any mind games and be upfront to her because despite all that has gone wrong I still respect her as a human being and have forgiven her and myself.

  2. Chris Seiter

    Explain how the jealousy went down for me exactly.

    This is important.

  3. Chris Seiter

    Thanks Jeb!

    There is definitely no guarantee when it comes to this.

    Have you by any chance checked out my other site, Ex Girlfriend Recovery?

  4. Chris Seiter

    Have you sent that initial first contact text yet?

    If not, that is where I would focus my energy.

  5. Chris Seiter

    Wow, this is a long comment!

    I think you definitely have a chance and I am not just saying that.

    It seems like you also have the right attitude.

  6. Chris Seiter

    Hi Jessica,

    Good english!

    The big problem I am seeing is that no attraction was really built. There was no texting anticipation or calling anticipation.

  7. Jessica

    Hi Chris,

    First of all sorry for my English, but I’m from Belgium :).
    Me and my exboyfriend were together for 10 months and we were -in my opinion, and mine and his family- perfectly together. We didn’t argue and we were like bestfriends who also had a relationship together. He is 21 now and I’m 20.
    Then of course (otherwise I wouldn’t have to contact you) he dumped me by saying he hadn’t miss me enough while he was on a vacation and he didn’t want to settle (we are both university students so settling is totally out of the picture here).
    I came to your site 2 days after the breakup, so I only sent him a text once or twice and it was indeed a bit desperate, but I immediatly stopped texting when I did the NC rule.
    So my NC rule went well, after seeing (ignoring) him on a party and looking at his snapchatstory, at the 30th day of my NC period HE texted me, he said he wanted to ‘talk’….
    I didn’t ignore him that day (because I thought the contact rule had worked and it was the 30th day).
    But yesterday, we came together to talk, and he really just wanted to TALK, he wanted to know how everything was going on in my life, how my examinations went, and he told me he really just wanted to talk because he didn’t want things to get awkward between us.
    During this talk I was very strong, now I think I was a little too strong because I acted like nothing was wrong, that we just could be friends and we laughed all the time.
    Still he kept saying he was ‘glad’ we weren’t dating anymore and that we both would find someone better…
    And today, I sent him a text: that I didn’t want to be friends after thinking about it, that I still saw him more than a friend, but that I was glad we could’ve talked and that it doesn’t have to be awkward between us.
    He answered by saying that being friends wasn’t necessary and that we just could act normal to each other when we would see each other in public.

    So now I’m desperate and I don’t know what to do.
    What do you think is the best thing to do?

    Thank you!

  8. Abby

    Hi Chris,

    First off, I’m really glad I found your site. I’ve read almost every article and at this point I know I need to do the NC rule, I just want to know if you think my ex and I have a chance at getting back together.

    Here’s a background of our story: I’m 24 he’s 25, we’ve known each other for 1 year now, and had been dating for 10 months. We broke up a month ago. When we met I had just freshly moved to a new state and knew no one else except for my parents living here as well. It was kind of a love at first sight for me (can’t believe I’m saying that because I always thought that was ridiculous) but if I had to put it into words looking back on it, that’s what it felt like. We instantly clicked. We were both instantly attracted, but more importantly we had a lot in common right off the bat, and our first time together went so smoothly. We started talking a lot, got to know each other pretty well, fast. Hence, why we got in a relationship after only knowing each other 2 months. We both never thought that we moved too fast so that’s not a concern of mine. Our relationship overall was awesome. We loved being around eachother, were almost inseperable, and spent a lot of time together. Since I’m relatively new to the area I haven’t even gotten to know many people on my own since we we’re always together. I met friends through him and had a few other friends, but that’s it. We did do things separately though. I would occasionally hang out with my friends, and vice versa. We didn’t NEED to see each other everyday but it just kind of happened that way. I’m not saying our relationship was perfect though. We did fight, but ultimately that’s probably because we spent too much time together so fights were bound to happen here and there.

    Some areas that led to the breakup: On my part, there were definitely things I needed to work on. I had moved to a new state to be closer to family, and it was the perfect time since I was switching my major so I thought what better time to transfer. At this point I was a little hesitant and confused on what I ultimately wanted to major in and do for a living anymore. Right from the start I had made that known to him, and he accepted it. He’s already graduated and has been working in his career for over a year. This combination of moving to a place I know no one, and confusion in school actually got to me in a way I did not expect. Towards the end of our relationship I kind of was in a depressed state. My ex even stated when he broke up with me one of the reasons is I started to lack ambition (which I can agree with). No one else besides him and my family would recognize that I was in that lost state of mind. I am the type of person to be able to put on a complete front, so it’s not like I was moping around all depressed. He just got to see the best and in this case worst side of me, and it’s something I was going through. Definitely temporary, given my character and who I am as a person (I’ve always been sure of what I wanted in life, always have been a go getter, multitasker, driven, had goals, etc.) I let this road block in my life ultimately affect other aspects of my life. I had 2 jobs that slowed down and I wasn’t getting the hours I needed. I know I needed to look elsewhere, but instead remained content with the little hours I worked. Looking back this put a stress on my ex, because it looked like I just was lazy, when in fact I was in a complete rut/depressive state that I didn’t know how to get out of (I felt like things just spiraled out of my control and that I was stuck and confused). He had voiced a couple times that he was not happy with me not working as much as I should and “not being driven”… The thing is despite during all of this mess in my life, our relationship was still very strong. Just to clarify it’s not like a was a huge negative blob to be around, I still was urging us to do stuff like workout, play sports, get outside, go out, do fun things we both enjoy. Well anyways to top that all off, a huge dilemma came our way unexpectedly. About 1 & 1/2 months before we broke up, I had found out I got pregnant. (We had talked to each other about one day getting married, having kids and a life together but we were not yet at the point in our lives). After a long and hard debate we came to the agreement of getting an abortion which was exactly 1 month before we broke up. We knew it wasn’t the right point in our lives, but also knew we would forever have to live with the decision we made. So the last month we were together mainly is what I believe to be what did us in. We were dealing with the healing process in 2 different ways. While I wanted to be close and comforted, he seemed to be aloof and a little bit distant. It wasn’t so drastic though, and didn’t even really notice until after we broke up looking back on things. A month after the abortion I had my last check up at the dr’s and that day was really hard on me emotionally. I didn’t voice it to him but instead was on edge and we ended up getting in a little fight over something not important.

    The breakup: That led me to say I think we need a break. He finally agreed, and this was the day before I was going out of town for 5 days. I left thinking the 5 days apart would be a good start, but after I left I soon regretted the decision we made, and realized I made it out of my emotions running high. During that 5 day break while I was gone, we still texted here and there (definitely not as much as usual) but I didn’t think this break would last that long. When I got back normally I would expect him to get ahold of me since he knew what day I was returning, but he didn’t. I was the one who said can we meet up and talk, and he asked if we could the next day because he was swamped at work. We talked the next day and I asked him what he was thinking so far and he replied it’s only been 5 days. I get that is not a long time, but I had already come to realize that I think we made a mistake, and I told him that. I sugguested the break in the first place, just to get some time to clear our heads so we could come back refreshed and better than ever. My intention was never to have it last for a long period, and I was under the impression we would still be considered “together” but just taking some time on our own. Well instead of him just saying maybe we should take a little bit longer of some time on this break he said he wants his space. All I asked for was a general timeframe, and some guidelines which I would consider very reasonable to give. He couldn’t give me any answers, so originally I didn’t think it was a great idea going on a break if neither of us knew what rules we were going by (just texting & no seeing each other, or no contact at all, how long, what he wanted to get from this break, etc) I ended up not being able to bring myself to agree to something that I felt was a bad idea and I ended up leaving on that note. A couple days later I asked to talk again. This time I said I will agree to a break, just please to give me a bit of an idea of what that entails. Now he said that he doesn’t want to try a break, and kept continuing to say “he wants his space right now”. This was heartbreaking to me because I feel like this came out of no where, because he originally agreed with me suggesting to go on a break, to him saying he wants a break, to him saying he needs his space and he doesn’t want to be together. I also felt blind sighted because he was actually sounding angry and nasty the way he broke up with me, which came out of no where and is not like him, I haven’t seen him act that way really. I left and at this point we were broken up.

    After the breakup: I couldn’t believe this was happening, I feel like things took a complete 180. I honestly could barely wrap my mind around us really being done. I felt like there were so many things unanswered and I was so confused what really went down. He could barely give me any information as to why he wanted his space right now. At this point I went through all the emotions. Shock, anger, hurt, sadness. Everything. I was being irrational with what I was saying via text the next few days. He said he doesn’t want to completely shut me out of his life, and that it’s not that he doesn’t love me. The last question I texted was “You’re okay with giving up on us?” And he said “I just want my space right now”. Well I gave him some space, but I did write him a letter, just so he knew I was willing to give him space, and wanted to tell him what I was feeling without him feeling obligated to get back to me. A little over a week went by and I broke the silence by calling him asking if I could come over. He said it was funny I called because he was just about to call me that day. Well we talked about things for a little bit, and he asked me if I wanted to hangout the next day. I said ok because I thought this was things getting better between us. The next day I came over, and things were strangely normal. He was acting like we were basically together, even though we both knew we weren’t. He made dinner for us, we watched tv and hung out. He was kind of playfully being touchy feely (which is how he normally was, but I wasn’t expecting that after we just broke up). He said something about the dishes and I said that he lost that benefit since I’m not his gf anymore. (referring to me doing them, since I regularly did them) He asked for a back massage and I said friends don’t give friends massages. He spoon fed me the spaghetti sauce to try twice (I didn’t really have an option to avoid that since the spoon was already in my face). He even imitated something I said stressing it in an innocent voice (which was his normal way of indirectly telling me what I said was cute) and went and leaned in to kiss me, but caught himself right before. I was making it clear that we were broken up and he wasn’t going to basically “have his cake and eat it too” sort of thing. (but I was doing it in a way that came across as not mean and in a relaxed way, not stern). Well before things ended on a good note, I asked more about where we stand and that made him become frustrated. He just couldn’t talk about anything between us. A couple days later I asked him if he wanted to go this baseball game, he ignored me a bit and eventually he told me again “he wants his space right now”. Another week went by, no contact, until I ran into him downtown while I was with my family. We said hi and my family came over to hug him and talk real quick. We talked a bit longer, he said he “wasn’t ignoring me” (even though he did) and he asked me what I was doing the next day and if I wanted to hang out. I said I was going to a football game. We hugged each other and said bye. The next day he texted me about the game I was at, and later when I got home I asked if he wanted to hangout and he said yes. We hung out and this time was a little less bf/gf -esque, but things we’re good. I ended up asking why was it that he ignored me, and he said that every time we hangout I always want to talk about us instead of just hanging out and he said that wasn’t his idea of fun, just talking about us. I agreed because I don’t like to keep bringing where we stand up, but told him the reason I am asking so many questions is because everything was left unanswered. I told him I can’t help but keep questioning because I feel like any time I see him could be the last time, and it would eat away at my mind if I had all these questions but never got any answers. The next day(today) he texted me just asking about work and what not, and we had a short conversation.

    And now I’m here: Writing this because ultimately everything at this point is so confusing. I had come to the conclusion that I can’t keep bringing us and where we stand up when we hang out. But I also still don’t know where we stand. He keeps saying he “wants his space right now” (Keyword: Right Now, which he keeps repeating) and we’ve gone a little over a week 3 times, no contact. Not a consistent 30 days with no contact though. I am about to start that because I need to know if our relationship really stands a chance, and I feel like that would be the only way since I can’t get any answers out of him.

    My personal thoughts: I think this is his confusing way dealing with the abortion honestly. I think he brought up other reasons why he broke up with me, to convince himself, and I think those reasons were all scapegoats. I also do think I was pressuring him into giving me answers, when he honestly doesn’t have any, and I think that also could’ve been a factor in driving him to break up with me.

    Please let me know your thoughts on this whole situation, and if I have a chance at getting my ex back.

    I almost forgot to mention a very important side note: I had gone on a date with someone else during our last week of no contact. Somehow it got brought up because we were talking about area codes and I was going to say “I met someone from your hometown” because it made me think of the distinctive area code that my ex has and the guy I went on a date had.. but stopped myself because that would 100 percent look like I was just trying to bring up the fact that I went on a date. He kept on asking me over and over what I was going to say and it got to the point where he was getting mad. So I ended up telling him I went on a date because I wouldn’t ever lie to him about that. I honestly didn’t want to go on this date, but felt like I should because I shouldn’t just sit at home and wallow. After I told him he would not stop asking me questions… “What’s his last name, where’d he go to school, where’d we go, what’d we do, how many times have we gone out, what’s his job, am I planning on seeing him again, did he enthuse me?” So it just showed that he got jealous knowing that. But I made sure to establish that I wasn’t out looking for someone to go out on a date, and told him I felt like I should get out and that I wasn’t going to shut myself off from the world because I’m so upset with what happened between us. He still knows that I very much want to work things out between us, so I don’t think this will confuse him making him think I am over him completely.

    I also forgot to mention another thing. Over the course of a month of us being broken up, I have started the new semester of classes up, and got a new job. So I am going to school and working full time. I also have joined a volleyball league which was one of my old passions, and have attempted in meeting new people. I would hate it if that was the ultimate reason for him breaking up with me would be because of those concerns he had of me “not working enough hours, lacking ambition, or being lazy” because that is so unlike me and I knew it was temporary. Honestly, it took this breakup to make me realize what I’m doing and it helped me snap out of my rut. Sometimes losing someone puts your life into perspective better than anything else can, and I believe having our relationship and him on the line made me look at the big picture.

  9. Maylene

    Currently I’m on day 27 of the no contact zone. I was thinking I’m really nervous to actually try to test him. Several months ago we were talking again after a year or so breakup with no contact. I got invited out on a date. And in the end his girlfriend who I thought was an ex was actually his girlfriend. I don’t know if she still threw herself on him shes like the clingy type with no personality and uses her body to get what she wants and a person who copies whatever her boyfriend likes or he really failed to tell me that before inviting me out.
    So she did the lowest thing she could possibly do and of course I snapped and got discredited and became the common enemy. I was shocked and avoided him for 3 months. This was before I stumbled onto your site. And then in June I threw out a response and got one back. And it was back and fourth for a bit. So a couple of months ago I stumbled on your website and tried the no contact rule I failed at day 16 when I really thought he needed me and I saw the 21 day post.. After a month or so going back and fourth I didn’t like the response I was getting so I did no contact again. So I’m really nervous to actually initiate contact again.
    We kind of have a long history of being pen pals when he went traveled in the past. We always meet again somehow but I think all of this is a mess now and I should really leave it alone.
    I was thinking it probably is best to move on. Because he talks but no action through his letters. And we hadn’t seen each other in person for awhile except for a few accidental run-ins. But it is different when we are in person together like his eyes sparkle and he’ll notice me as soon as I walk into a room even with a crowd of people.

    I’m just tired of things not changing.

  10. Jeb

    While I do think that the above tactics mentioned could increase the chances of recovering an ex-boyfriend greatly, I have to remind people that there is no guarantee.

    I am a male myself and my girlfriend broke up with me recently, although I do still love and am in love with her I respected her decision and told her that I’m not going to contact her again until she does (and that’s even if she does at all to which then I would already moved on with my life continuing to be awesome Jeb). While the natural part of me is upset that she is gone, I have accepted that it was the best for both of us because she wanted her space to find herself again and I needed my space to grow and learn to become a best man that I can be. I do miss her dearly, but the truth is that if it was meant to be – then it was meant to be – and this wasn’t the case.

    Here’s something to consider though ladies – this is entirely based on type of person and not the whole male gender at all – if you break up with your boyfriend ; they could interpret as this – ‘If she really loved you then she would have fought harder to keep the relationship going’, i.e. once a breakup happens there’s no going back. I was ready to work through any obstacle in my previous relationship and eventually marry my ex because I loved her that much – but she didn’t feel the same to work it through. And because of that, I can’t take her back. And if even I miraculously did, it’s going to be a very, very steep climb because I will always question if she would dump me over the smallest disagreement and won’t want to myself through that again.

  11. Annie

    Hi Chris,
    I successfully completed no contact for the second time, so successfully that on day 30 he sent me a text, I waited to reply and in thirty minutes had received four replies. The next night, he text me again, we built up sending texts, not loads but enough to keep us talking and then, he got really jealous one night over one of my guy friends. He hasn’t been the same since, he doesn’t reply to texts, when he does he’s not interested, and I’ve been working really hard at keeping them interesting. I don’t know how to get him to text me first again, I was thinking I may go no contact for a week? I just don’t know, last night I got a response after getting kind of passive aggressive but I don’t think that’ll fix anything. Should I go no contact for a week or should I just keep trying? I don’t want to become a gnat.
    Thanks!

  12. Carlo Dichiara

    If you really are interested in joining a polygamist relationship, look into sisterwives.us, they are great for poly dating.

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