Flirting is the only skill that men are expected to master without any help. Why is that?
If we want to play a sport, learn DIY or excel in public speaking, we are fully expected to read a book about it or hire a coach.
- Yet, we are expected to just know how to:
- smoothly approach a woman;
- flirt without creeping her out;
- move things forward without appearing too desperate;
- take her on dates she’d enjoy;
- navigate that uncertain period between the first date and becoming a couple, including the first time you sleep together, how to act when you’re still ‘casually dating’, what type of messages to send her…
…and that’s a SIMPLIFIED list.
A lot of men are embarrassed to admit they need help with any of these things, and that’s partly because of the stigma that society has put on male dating advice.
Back in 2013, my romantic life transformed after reading a famous dating advice book. That book led me to the YouTube channel of the world’s #1 male dating coaching company at the time.
These resources taught me that everything I’d been doing to find a new girlfriend was wrong.
Soon after taking this new advice, I went from sad, desperate and lonely to landing multiple dates per week.
The more content I consumed, the better I’d get at approaching women, the more they’d want to spend time with me.
I was happier than ever. The women were thrilled to meet a guy who understands what they want. Everybody wins.
Yet, for whatever reason, the societal narrative still insists that learning to pick up women is CREEPY.
How are men supposed to learn?
Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash
You’d be a lucky boy if your parents taught you anything useful about attracting women. It’s certainly not being taught in schools and most guys’ friends are just as clueless as they are. Sure, some men are ‘naturals’ who can effortlessly attract women, but these dudes can rarely teach their friends how to do it.
Meanwhile, most mainstream media peddles the message that if an average guy can ‘just be himself’ and treat a woman nicely, she’ll surely fall in love with him.
So, why are men expected to know what actually works?
A lot of intelligent guys are turning to alternative media for help with the opposite sex, just like I did.
Or at least they were…
In November 2019, ‘cancel culture’ rocked the men’s dating industry in a big way, making it even tougher for men to find legitimate help.
The witch hunt began after a BBC documentary highlighted some dodgy practices being preached by a handful of male dating coaches.
Within hours, YouTube had deleted several popular male dating advice channels and changed its terms of service so other coaches were forced to remove their content. That included the market leading company whose videos changed my life.
Facebook, Reddit and Udemy are among the platforms to have made similar culls in recent years.
Essentially, the bulk of mainstream social media companies have agreed that men shouldn’t be seeking dating advice on their platform. Not the stuff that works, anyway.
This narrative will surely dissuade more men from looking for the decent advice that remains.
Yes, there are some shady characters in the male dating industry, just as there are in many other niches. Does that mean the coaches with good motives should be erased from the internet too? Does that mean we should try to stop or shame men who search for dating advice?
This ‘dating advice is bad/just be yourself’ narrative will only lead to more men remaining unsatisfied with their dating lives, and more women becoming frustrated with men’s efforts to woo them.
Men need good dating advice more than ever
Photo by Dollar Gill on Unsplash
The craziest thing about this narrative is: it’s never been more obvious that most men need help impressing the opposite sex.
It’s only going to get tougher for men in future too, because the online dating and social media boom has given women more romantic options. Back in the day, average Joe only needed to be the best catch out of all the guys approaching his crush in real life. Now, he has to be better than all the dudes in her phone too.
Using Tinder or Instagram, the most eligible bachelors can now reach out and have their pick of every attractive woman in their city. A lot of them are doing that, and it has made women pickier than ever…
In this study, women rated 80% of male OKCupid users as below average for attractiveness. This one concluded that the top 78% of attractive female Tinder users are only swiping right on the top 20% of attractive men. So, if you’re a man who is less than an 8/10 in looks, you’re now screwed (online anyway).
Sex and intimate relationships are basic biological needs, which most men are finding harder than ever to fulfil.
So, why is it still considered weird, creepy or flat-out wrong for them to try and fix that?
Most men seeking dating advice have good hearts
There’s a perception that men seeking advice from dating coaches are manipulative and misogynistic individuals, aiming to sleep with hundreds of women and never call them back.
Indeed, many dating coaches market themselves as being able to do this, because ‘shock tactic’ marketing works.
Yet, when I stumbled upon this industry, I would have happily accepted one woman to replace the girl that broke my heart.
The industry taught me to stop acting so desperate for love, how to not creep women out and how to be the fun guy they love to be around.
My experiences were so transformative that I began documenting the lessons I learned for other guys to read. Now, I’m a full-time freelance writer specializing in dating advice for men.
And, guess what? Nearly all the guys who contact me for advice are the same as I was; kind-hearted, lonely souls who just want to connect better with women.
Only a small percentage of men are humble enough to ignore this stigma and seek out help from dating experts. The rest will remain clueless and live dating lives of quiet desperation. If there’s one group that’s creepy, it’s surely the latter…
It’s in the interests of both genders for men to learn how to attract the opposite sex. So, how about we stop stigmatizing those trying to do that.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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