By now you are probably familiar with all kinds of internet scams. And I personally hope you know about them without being scammed.
Actually, I don’t care.
You know the scams I’m talking about. Some nerd from another culture hijacks one of your friend’s accounts or mimics one of your friend’s accounts and hits you up for money. Usually it has something to do with WhatsApp of which I am completely ignorant and plan to remain completely ignorant. Terrible grammar and a very loose understanding of U.S. slang are scam – markers.
I doubt whether these half-hearted petty thieves are even scolded by social media gatekeepers like Zuckerstruck or Muskatoon. Of course I am personally banned for 30 days for going against “Community Standards” by merely exercising my Constitutional Right to be a sarcastic gadfly. YES. Your right to be a sarcastic gadfly is guaranteed by the 21st Amendment! WAKE UP, PEOPLE!!!
One spectacular day not too long ago, I got a Facebook friend request from someone I didn’t recognize. Of course I just accepted the request because that is the kind of derring-do I regularly engage my fat, sclerotic, 58-year-old self in routinely.
“Judy’s” picture suggested she was a nice older lady. Like she kept a bowl of ancient, dusty, half-melted ribbon candy in an antique bowl in the sun on her credenza for her grandchildren. I also thought she looked like she had an enormous crush on Garrison Keilor and wept silently when NPR cancelled “A Prairie Home Companion.”
After accepting her friend request, I immediately got a Facebook Messenger Message Messaging me. I forget what I was working on at the time, but I immediately dropped it. I had a feeling this was going to be good.
(NOTE: The transcript below has been left intact- errors and all- unless editing was needed to improve readability. Most pictures were added after the fact for a cheap laugh, but not all. Those are noted ORIGINAL PHOTO)
Judy: Hi. How are you doing today An your last night
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
Judy: Don’t you hear what I said How are you doing an your night
Me: I’m doing great. I just finished a human sacrifice. You?
Judy: I am pretty good And so happy because God has been so good to me this year he has really done wonderful thing for me this year as well.
Me: Do you like pancakes?
Judy: No,
Me: YOU DON’T LIKE PANCAKES?!?!?!
Judy: God has helped me through IMF and poverty alleviation awarding money to some set of lucky winners that apply for it, its has really change my life for better.Did you heard about it?
Me: Yes. I’ve already done it and made $150,000 in pancakes. It’s wonderful.
Judy: Oh really, This specifically new program was established by the World Bank to helps people in the society to meet up their needs,And i got $100,000 delivered to me when i apply for the grant and you don’t have to pay it back I don’t know you have not heard about it, you can also apply too.
Me: Would you like to see a picture of my ass in the moonlight? It’s quite something (ORIGINAL PHOTO).
Judy: What’s the meaning of this?
Me: You are an attractive woman and I would like to ask you out on a date.
Judy: I don’t like it, what did I want to use it to do. Have you heard about France Duncan?
Me: Has he been blessed? I DO NOT like Blasphemers or letting them drink my precious bottom-shelf Scotch.
Judy: She is the one who help me to get the grant money. she is a good and honest person.i will give you her private text number so that you can apply as well.
Me: NOW I remember France Duncan. She was born without a chin, right?
Judy: The most amazing part of the program is that i never paid a dime to the agent to apply for the program And you are not to pay any taxes on the money you will only pay for the Delivery fees if you are Qualified.. i do pay and i got my win.
Me: I used this method so many times when I was in prison, that I now run the prison.
Judy: It’s real an legit would you like to apply so that i can give you there private text number
Me: I would have to wait until after Bonanzas All-You-Can-Eat Salad bar closes around 10pm tonight before I text. Also, my stepmom won’t let me text women because she says they’re evil.
Judy: Here is there text number (928) 589-5XXX she is a good and honest person. It is real legal and legit, I was scared and wondered if something that could be this true would be real when a friend told me about it, and I contacted the agent and qualified and got my Grant money delivered to me after I passed all the process
Me: Can you text her for me? My mom says she’s evil and I have both my arms caught in a thresher.
Judy: I can’t text him for you she’s a man not women. You text him your self. Text him that’s her private text number she’s an honest person (NOTE: I LOVE France’s quick, partial transformation from woman to man and the gender confusion in the sentence above!).
Me: OK. I will text just as soon as all the acid wears off and I ditch this stolen car. Do you have a cellphone I can use?
Judy: No Don i don’t have any extra cellphone with me, You just have to text him she will reply you
Me: OK. I will steal a cellphone
Judy: ???
Me: I texted France Duncan and this is the photo the person he sent back a very naughty photo!!! (ORIGINAL PHOTO)
SEE THE NAUGHTY PHOTOS FRANCE DUNCAN SENT ME AND READ THE REST OF OUR EXCHANGE HERE: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-september-2023-7226112
I present to you with trembling hands, our September newsletter, which is slightly less boring than televised tennis: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-september-2023-7226112
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