It had to happen. And now it has. Women are finally rising up against the pitfalls of dating app culture, and fighting back. Since March 2022, Are We Dating the Same Guy? Facebook groups have sprung up in almost every major American city, from New York to Little Rock, as a way for women to call out bad digital dating experiences.
What started as small-scale communities are now spreading internationally and have grown to include hundreds of thousands of members. “Boys, frickin’ buckle up,” one TikTok user said in July. “If you mistreat a girl, or are doing some sketchy stuff, the time is over, ‘cause you’re getting caught.”
Since joining some of these groups earlier this year, what I’ve seen, above all, is women trying to protect each other, including from sexual assault. In one east coast US city, a woman posted about a date with a man during which he pinned her down and choked her without consent. Other users gently walked her through her responsibility to report him to the dating app in order to protect other women. She did, and then posted a screenshot saying that he had been banned (a welcome decision, but one that doesn’t prevent him just joining another dating app and doing it again).
Are We Dating the Same Guy? appears to have been started by three women, none of whom have sought the limelight (and none have immediately responded to requests for comment). Their identifying details on social media are scant, lending an air of mystery to the open-secret quality of this enterprise. One must be approved to join, and agree to a lengthy list of ground rules, which includes not sharing any recognisable information about users or their posts in public.
Cautious to protect members’ privacy, I hesitated about writing about the groups at all, until I saw a male standup comedian on TikTok making fun of them, characterising women’s complaints as frivolous. “‘Saw him in the park, weird posture’,” he joked, mocking users’ comments. “‘Yellowing teeth.’ He’d probably say you were a bitch.”
Are We Dating the Same Guy? groups are full of pushback against misogynistic attitudes, as well as practical advice from women about how to navigate today’s broken dating culture. They offer support for heartbreak after being ghosted, warnings about catfishers and men who have scammed them for money. Members give their takes on some of the plagues of modern dating, such as “situationships”, those relationships that exist in a limbo of non-commitment. “My advice is never settle for a situationship again,” one wrote. “Your heart will get hurt and it never ends well.”
The women are often very funny, sharing stories of bad dates and relationships gone wrong. Or they are sad, many of them, at how difficult it has become to find true intimacy. “Why is it so hard to meet a gentleman who truly loves you?” one asked. “Two words,” another responded. “Swipe culture.”
The ostensible reason for the group, as suggested by its title – calling out men for cheating or dating multiple women at the same time – is only part of what goes on. But it is a big part. Women who have matched with men will post their pictures to get the inside scoop on what they are really like, beyond their profiles.
Members will also post a picture of someone they’ve been dating for a while to find out if he’s seeing others. In one of the most dramatic threads I’ve seen, a married man with four children was exposed for dating women on the apps, after women who apparently knew his wife saw the thread and said they were going to alert her. Often, the women express their gratitude to each other for the information. “This group is a godsend,” someone said. “I’m so glad we have a community to help prevent us from being preyed on by opportunistic men.”
Are there downsides to all of this? A key issue is privacy – the men’s privacy – which the administrators of these groups seem to be battling to protect as best they can, frequently issuing reminders that users must be “extra extra strict” in enforcing rules about not saying anything “accusatory” that could lead to “possible defamation”. The groups are also accused of operating within an increasingly lawless, internet sleuthing culture, where social media users on TikTok and other platforms publicly shame men for alleged transgressions, acting as judge and jury, sometimes with real life consequences.
The groups also have a decidedly heteronormative focus, with the majority of users being women mainly discussing cisgendered men (despite no indication that the groups exclude discussion of LGBTQ+ people or relationships).
But they are also an example of women taking problematic systems into their own hands, to protect themselves from toxic behaviours that for decades have disproportionately impacted women. #MeToo’s promised reckoning has been subject to a predictable backlash. Moira Donegan, the journalist responsible for compiling what was dubbed the Shitty Media Men list in 2017, a viral Google spreadsheet listing alleged sexual harassers in the US media industry, is currently facing a libel lawsuit. Are We Dating the Same Guy? groups are the whisper network in step with the digital age.
In one study of women who had used a dating platform in the past 15 years, more than a third said they have been sexually assaulted by someone they met on an app. In an ideal world, Are We Dating the Same Guy? wouldn’t have to exist, because dating apps would protect their users more. They would vet their users, provide background checks and age checks and proof about whether or not someone is married.
These Facebook groups have emerged and caught fire in reaction to the widespread, unchecked abuses rife in dating app culture – from cheating to rape. My only regret is that their members don’t turn the same passion they have for outing male misconduct on the dating app industry itself. Women have more power in this than perhaps they realise: they can refuse to use dating apps at all.
